In this blog post, I wanted to talk about the greatest healing intervention that a survivor can experience: love. During my own healing journey, over the years, I have discovered that the most healing came not from what a person knew, but how much they cared.
I do believe it is good to be informed about how programming works. It can be tremendously helpful for a survivor to feel validated as he or she remembers, that others have gone through the same. But survivors of mind control and ritual abuse have been hurt in a relationship – and healing will often come through a relationship that is non-abusive, and offers caring concern.
I have had several people support me through my own healing journey, to varying degrees. I have had therapists, who offered an hour a week (or, an occasional crisis session). While this was helpful, it wasn’t enough. I had a lifetime of attachment and bonding to people who since I was in the womb told me they loved and cared for me – and I had parts who believed this. It wasn’t until I met individuals willing to demonstrate real, nonabusive caring, that I had a new paradigm to work from: not everyone is hurtful, and not everyone wants to use me to get something.
Genuine caring does this. When I say “love” in the supportive relationship, I am not talking about romantic love, or sexual love (the survivor has already experienced plenty of this). I am talking about a relationship where the survivor is listened to, respected, and their reality validated, or at least the question of whether memories are “true” is put on the shelf until more information is processed, and parts share more. This kind of relationship, which can come from a friend, or someone willing to walk alongside the survivor, is in my opinion the most important tool for healing, even more important than understanding programming.
The people who cared about me enabled me to break my bonds with my abusers. These individuals helped me learn new ways of relating. They listened to grouchy parts (who were quite unhappy with my choice to leave the group); loyal parts (who came out sinister, angry or silent and tried to sabotage relationships), and false Christian parts (who wanted to turn everything into a simple “praise the LORD, let’s not look at the past). They showed these parts compassion, and so I learned to show myself compassion. They believed I could heal – and helped overcome the terrible despair that would hit at times (the “maybe I was hurt too much to ever get better” type).
One of the most important tasks for a survivor who is healing is to try and build support, and caring friends. It can take time. Sometimes, there is no one available (I have gone through those periods, too, and it’s tough); but the true God is always available; the true Jesus is there, and will hear prayers that God will provide friends. It doesn’t take a lot of friends; most of the time, I have only had one or two in my life; but they are a true blessing, and such an important part of the journey.
I am learning to be a friend to others now. This is the result of caring: the survivor as they heal will want to help others too. This is a process, since real caring isn’t what I know, or what my past was. It is learning to listen to others, hear what they are saying about how they feel, and being there. My prayer is that the LORD will raise up many who will be willing to help survivors heal, and be part of the blessing of seeing someone heal.