Healing in the Context of the Faith Journey

Over the years, I have come to realize  that healing for my parts and myself, is often very much related to healing in my walk with (the Christian) God. In other words, as my perception of God and His goodness is healed, and the lies I was told about who He is, or what He is like, are replaced with truth, my parts heal as a natural response.

This makes sense, since some of the deepest and most fundamental programming done early in my life was intended to damage my ability to know and love God. For instance, one of the first splits that occurred in the womb for me was based upon my frantic need to save my birth mother and myself. As she was being tortured, and begging me to “save” her from the abuse, by turning away from God and turning to Satan, I complied. I literally turned my back at that time on God , whose loving presence I was aware of, due to my anger at the abuse, which the trainers blamed on God, saying “If God cares for you, why is He allowing you and your mother to be hurt like this?”  These individuals conveniently forgot to give Satan any blame, other than blaming God for his creation.

Healing of this fundamental wound has meant being willing to turn back to God; to ask and receive His forgiveness for choosing to be my own savior, and spending a lifetime of making bad choices as a result.

I finally had to come to the point that I realized that I was helpless in the womb; I did NOT have the ability to “rescue” that the programmers (including my birth mother) told me I did. This helplessness, and realizing that there is only One who can truly help, was the one thing I did not want to ever look at, face, or feel ever again.

In His goodness, God did show His love, kindness and mercy to me time and time again. I spent a long time avoiding the real issue: can I really trust God? Not in the pat “Christianese” way, in which the correct answer is “of course”, because that’s what good Christians say, regardless of what they really feel.  Instead, I had to face all of the pain, helplessness, rage at God, and hatred of my own vulnerability to reach the point of saying “God, I need You. I am sorry I have tried to figure out how to do this for a lifetime on my own, without You; please forgive me for listening to Satan’s ideas of how to never be helpless again. “ Because Satan lied. He promised I would have power, and never be hurt like that again, or never feel pain like that again, and simply put, he lied.

Satan said I would be rescuing my birth mother and myself, by choosing him, and he lied. She ended up dying, and I ended up being controlled, for years.

I had to come to the point of realizing that every programmer, and every spirit other than the Christian one, had tricked, lied, deceived and betrayed me; and that I bought into these lies because I didn’t want to face the despair of realizing I had made the wrong choice – to turn away from God – very early in life.

What it took a lifetime to realize is that the Christian God forgave me for making this choice. He didn’t hate me, He loved me.  He understood the intense emotional and physical pressure I was under, and He truly forgives it all, from the first choice to turn away, to the latest struggle to want to rescue others I love.

Awhile back, the LORD showed me what healing looks like. I saw (the real) Jesus in a room, that was filled with shining dots of different colors, scattered like a cloud throughout the room. Gradually, the dots began coming closer to Jesus, and they also simultaneously began coming closer to each other, until directly in front of Him, they were close together and joined.

The LORD told me that this is what healing is like. As my parts and I look at the real Jesus, and draw closer to Him, we draw closer to each other (because He gives us the courage to share and communicate and really see each other’s realities, and to take the barriers between us down that the programming installed). Over time, we have been joining as we get closer to the real source of love and healing; while this has been gradual, He sees the finished person: all the aspects joined together in loving and worshipping Jesus.

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Healing is a process

Was I Illuminati or Jesuit? Healing is a Process

Since I started my blog, I have received several emails asking why there appear to be several differences between the personal history related in my newer articles, and the ones I wrote several years ago (available at this site). This post will explain why.

Healing dissociation is a process. Often, memories come in ‘layers’ or ‘stages’, filling in previously missing gaps in the story, or shedding new light on an old story. In a way, it is like the process of completing a jigsaw puzzle: small portions of the puzzle are filled in initially, but the ability to view the “whole picture” only occurs as more pieces come together. It is a natural part of the process of healing from dissociation and mind control, to progressively learn more about one’s history and self, as one’s faith grows and different parts (including the host) increasingly experiences the blessings of internal cooperation and healing. In this post, I will describe two major ‘stages’ of discovering my life history: knowing that I was working for the Illuminati, and knowing that I was in the Jesuit order.

One of the most outstanding differences between my first set of svali posts (written roughly twenty years ago) and my posts from the last two years is this: I had written back then that I was a member of the Illuminati; in many of my more recent posts (2017-2019), I write that I was a member of the Jesuit order, and have described in no less detail various aspects of a childhood and adulthood in the order.

Both sets of posts describe my life history. They are not mutually exclusive experiences. I worked in the Illuminati in the US, and was also a part of the Jesuit order. When I first began my healing, my first layer of cult-related memories was of being an Illuminati programmer in the United States. I was in my American system of parts, and was mainly learning about the traumas and cult activities that I had been involved in within the US.  The process of addressing the dissociation and healing from the memories that were coming was very difficult. Having to decide what to do and how to move forward with God as I realized that I was not just ‘making it all up’ was very difficult. As difficult as it already was, I assumed (wrongly) without exploring further that the Illuminati memories already represented all of my cult-related life history. My posts from twenty years ago reflect this perspective.

While I did not realize at that point that significant portions of my personal history were still dissociated, I was aware that I had not fully healed yet. I had several responsibilities during that time (including raising my children after I received custody and working 2-3 jobs to make ends meet). During this time, I stopped writing my svali posts online for a period of time. Finally, in 2006, I  had the opportunity to spend two years fulltime on healing (I went completely offline at this time).

During this two years, I journaled intensely, often up to 8 hours a day. This was when more of my life history came forward, as parts deeper within began to share. I discovered that the work for the Illuminati in America was only part of my life, and I actually was part of the Jesuit order. I learned that I had not only been a programmer for the Illuminati, but had been one for the Jesuit order. I also discovered the cult had constructed identities and life histories, ‘presentations’, for other parts of me in other nations, with other names and families. I learned that my very name, family and life in America was also a ‘constructed identity’ by the cult and that I had been assigned to work with the Illuminati in the US for the Jesuits since I was a child. My American mother was one of my main trainers in America, I first met her as a very young child at the Jesuit training facility in Rome (She was not my only trainer, I had several others).  She, along with Dr. Timothy Brogan and others, had helped program my American system of parts to only remember life in America and to completely believe that she, my stepfather and my sister were my only family.

This new set of memories overseas was no less heartbreaking and shocking for me to uncover. Again, my sense of who I was and my history as I had understood it, was shaken. On many days, it felt like I had to process my life story all over. A couple of supportive friends who were crucial to my healing during that time, and what I had learned during the earlier phase of healing about God’s faithfulness, comfort, ability to bring truth, dealing with denial and so on truly helped me through this extremely painful phases of my journey. The fact that before 2006 – 2008 I did not remember this portion of my history does not invalidate what I wrote in my earlier articles; I just didn’t have this part of the story yet when I wrote them. Healing is a process, and memories may be held by several layers of parts. It does not invalidate the memories of one part, if they are unaware of the history of the others. The fuller picture unfolds as the person progresses in healing.

It has not been easy learning why I had not remembered my Jesuit memories earlier in my healing journey: I had deep attachments with the fathers who had raised (and programmed) me. While much of what I had with the fathers were in fact ‘trauma-bonds’ (they had traumatized then rescued me to create dependence), there was also love and affection – they had been my world, and I lived to please them since early childhood. As a very young child, I had promised them that I would never betray them. ‘Not betraying’ and remaining loyal to them meant that I could never remember the Order if I tried to heal, and that I would never address my deeper programming and break the mind control that they had installed. It had been ‘easier’ for me to address my Illuminati memories as I did not have the same depth of investment in protecting them or being loyal to them as I did the Jesuits. As a child and adult serving the Jesuits, my life in the Illuminati in the US was one of my ‘jobs’/‘assignments’, but the Jesuits were who I then felt were my ‘real’ family and home.

I started to know and process these memories as God helped me to realize to a deeper level that healing and rejecting the group’s programming to not remember was not a betrayal (that was a deception introduced when I was very young in order to control me), and that it did not mean that I did not care. Wanting my mind to be free did not mean that I was hurting the fathers. I started to learn more about my Jesuit history after growth in several areas of my life: knowing that God cared about people in the Order and wanted them to know the truth too; knowing that God loved me enough to hold me through the grief and anguish that would come as discovered my Jesuit memories; knowing that God could protect my heart, mind and body as I addressed the deeper programming and parts related to this aspect of my life history; knowing that God could help me to know truth and cut through all the confusion and pain. Basically, increased faith and understanding of God’s love and power enabled me to start remembering and processing my Jesuit memories; earlier in the journey, I did not have the capacity to do so. This stage of my healing came too as my system of parts grew utterly tired of being mind controlled to keep secrets, being only partially healed and vulnerable to the cult, and decided to ‘risk’ trusting God to heal.

My memories of having been programmed in a facility overseas, and being part of the Jesuit order with large parts of my life being in Vatican, have been consistent since 2007. I have been blessed with direct validation for some of my memories as well. I have also noted that my statistics for site visitors have often shown more visitors from Italy to my site, than any other country. There are several possible reasons for this: what I write may resonate with Italian survivors; there could be a deep desire to learn about dissociation and deprogramming within this country; or other reasons. I pray that my posts bless those who read them, including those in Italy.

I do hope that explaining the healing journey will be helpful in promoting understanding of the process a bit more.

Chart for Working on Internal Programs

Recently a survivor whose work I respect shared with me a chart they developed when working on dismantling their internal programming. With this individual’s permission (they wish to remain anonymous) I am sharing this chart on my blog. It makes a nice way to organize some of the internal work that is done when taking down internal programming.

Chart for profiling programs – the  main purpose of  this chart is to track what is coming  conscious, and to make a tangible record that the person is progressing in working with parts and the important bits of his/her history that are impacting the individual today.

Normally, a person will not be able to fill this in all at once; the information often comes in bits and pieces. At times, it may be hard, especially at first, to know which “category” to file something under.

Description of program:
Instructions (do/think/feel what, in what combination)  
Reasons program was ‘accepted ’ (such as threat to self, threat to a loved one, love bond to individual asking, etc.)  
Parts involved  
Main emotions involved  
Programming scenarios

(trauma and reward aspects)

 
Reasons program is still intact (this may include beliefs regarding what will happen if the program stops working)  
Other programs that get triggered when I work on this/Other programs associated with this program  
Observations when working on this program (physical sensations, thoughts, emotional responses,

impulses, etc).

Input from God, supporters, parts:
Positive changes, truths that parts want to see with regard to the instructions, emotions, beliefs, etc. as they heal:

 

Presenter Systems/Host Systems Programming

 Note: this describes some aspects of how presentation programming is done in some groups; this will vary greatly between organizations. It is  meant as an introduction to the topic, and is not  a complete description of all methods used, or all programs installed. 

The parts of an individual that often initially present in therapy or counseling have been variously labeled by therapists as the “presentation”, the “apparently normal part or ANP” or the “host”.  These are the parts that were created (with extensive help, if mind control is involved) to cover the fact that the individual has experienced traumatic, chronic abuse throughout childhood. In this book, we will call them “presenters” or “host system”.

An individual with mind control will be unable to do their assigned jobs well if it is obvious that they are traumatized, programmed and dissociated. This is one reason that a presenter or host system will be programmed in starting in the prenatal stage of life, and will be continuously reprogrammed throughout life: the presenters hide the reality of the individual’s real life history and skills not only from others, but from themselves.  They are considered a “cover”, under which the individual can look and act like one person, and act “normal”.  They are often considered the sheep that hide the “wolf” inside by groups that program them.

One myth is that the host, or presentation, has undergone less abuse than the other systems inside, and was split off to “protect” themselves from knowing how bad things were. This may be true for an individual who has not undergone mind control, in which case, the “core” and the “host” may be one and the same. But groups that use mind control will normally bury and hide the core behind layers of programming, and the parts that come out and live day to day life when outside of a cult facility may have undergone programming that is just as extensive, or even more so, than the assassins, warlocks and other parts that do not come out when interacting with non-cult members. The host or presentation in a mind controlled individual will often be one that has experienced some of the worst abuse within the system, and as a result, has made specific agreements to never disclose the abuse, and to perform in specific ways.

One example of this is programming of the presentation to embrace false, or “white” Christianity, instead of true Christianity. To prevent the individual from accepting true Christianity, the presentations may be put through various setups in which a false “Jesus” abuses them; where false church services are done, and the people in the setup all abuse the child while using typical Christian phrases such as “praise the Lord!” “Let me pray for you”, etc.  In other setups, the false “Jesus” is very loving and kind, embraces the child, comforts the child, and makes the child promise to always follow him, and to never allow the “other” (the real) Jesus near. Because the child bonds to the false “loving” Jesus, they agree. Because this Jesus is loving and kind, the individual may believe that he is the “real” one, until work on the anti-christian and false Christian programming in the host system is done. This false Jesus is much harder to detect than the angry, punishing one, and the individual will need to pray for the true God to show the difference. The end result is a presentation entering counseling that looks and sounds Christian, but with belief in a God and Jesus who are either powerless to save and heal, or who oppose true Christianity.

The host/presentation system entering into therapy with a background of mind control will often have extensive programming to have doubt, unbelief and denial raise up if the individual begins to recover memories of their abuse or rewards by the group that programmed them. If a memory comes forward, the person may have parts programmed to doubt their validity, and to doubt whether they can ever heal, or that God can ever heal them. In another layer, denial may come forward, causing the survivor to say that  the memories aren’t true, they are unbelievable, they must be made up, etc. The survivor will also deny God’s goodness, and will recover first memories that seem to confirm that God never showed up during their abuse; they will be programmed to deny and disbelieve the times that He did answer prayer.

There will often be parts in the presentation, connected to parts in every system, that also carry unbelief: even in the face of a miraculous answer to prayer, they will persist in having difficulty in believing that God answered them, or that He loves them. These parts have made prior agreements to always doubt, deny, or disbelieve the goodness and love of God, and the agreements and the traumas that caused the agreements to be made will need to be addressed.

The host system/ presentation is often one of the most cult loyal systems, due to its extensive programming. In order to do missions successfully, these parts must be able to switch in and out as needed to provide a cover. The amnesia to cult activity that survivors often report is due to an agreement by both the presenters and the parts that actively participate in rituals (which also include the presenters) to never remember and/or disclose this activity, not only to others, but to themselves. If a memory of participating in a ritual begins to come forward, the presentation will be programmed to deny what they are remembering, to disbelieve it, and to cast doubt on it. They may be flooded with “overwhelm”, crying and saying “I can’t stand to know this”, “this could never have happened to me”, “I will lose my faith if I believe this happened” and other reactions that prevent processing and healing of the traumas.

Accessing by a group using mind control will not occur in most cases without agreements by parts that this will occur. While survivors may report “abductions” and being dragged unwillingly to rituals, this is rarely the case in groups that use mind control. Instead, the presentation/Christian host has been programmed to agree to be accessed, and to believe that they can never prevent it or say “no” when a summons or signal (such as a knock at the door) comes. The parts that have been traumatized into making these agreements will need to break the agreements, and process their traumas, and also come to realize that they really do have a choice. It can help them to realize that people really do say “no” to access, and it works; they can be safe.

The presentation/host will often have extensive programming designed to keep amnesia going, especially regarding any evidence of ongoing cult activity (this will be discussed in more detail later in the chapter).  These parts have been programmed to ensure that the amnesia between parts inside continues, and involve agreements to never remember both by the presentation parts, and the parts that hold the memories.

An important part of presentation programming involves the use of buffers. Buffers may be located within a specific brainwave state (frequently, this is epsilon). The purpose of buffers is to create a stoical, unfeeling numbness that helps to hide the extensive trauma and feeling states further in. Buffers are charged with preventing the feelings involved with trauma (including recent activity such as being reprogrammed the night before, or attending a ritual two days ago) from intruding into the conscious awareness of the presentation. They act as emotionless guards, and do their jobs literally on pain of death, of self or of loved ones. Buffers have undergone extensive trauma to reach this state of feeling nothing, described by some as “blankness” or a state of “nothingness”.

The presentations will often be seated within various brainwave states. These include:

  • alpha (color-coded red): this is a relaxed state, and often includes parts with sexual programming
  • beta (color-coded blue): this is a slightly more alert wave state, and is where military and assassin programming may be located
  • gamma (color-coded green): this is a high-energy wavestate, and may be where loyalty to cult programming and to the group is located.
  • epsilon (color-coded grey-white): this is often where pain programming and buffer systems (split from the parts that learned to hold pain) is located.
  • theta (color-coded black): This is a low-energy brainwave state, and psychic ability is often seated in this state
  • delta (color codes may vary, with silver blue common): this is the brainwave state that came first, and which the other parts of the presentation are split from. Delta system is the controller for the other presentation parts and brainwave states, and will often hold memory files (coded based upon security level, and access to them guarded by delta) as well as internal programming and punishment files for the presentations.

 

 

God in the Labs

Trigger warning: discusses Christian faith and prenatal abuse

When Christians talk about the “enemy” and doing warfare, they are referring to Satan and demons.  What many Christians may not realize is that those involved in occultic groups do the same; but to them, the “enemy” is the Christian God, and the “warfare” is against encounters with God.

Over time, as I recovered my own memories, and broke vows and agreements made to never remember encounters with the Christian God (made by my cult parts), I started to remember things that made me realize that even in the darkest situations, God shows up.

An example: I have mentioned the prenatal labs, where the birth mothers and the fetuses are tortured, with the intent of programming the fetus in the womb to hate God. This is the time when the cult loyal parts that hate God with a vengeance are created and tortured to fuel this hate.

But what I also remembered is the fact that not infrequently, in response to the fetal cries to God (fetuses do this instinctively, especially during the first three months in the womb), an angel would appear to stop the trainers; to prevent further torture. I remember one encounter when I walked into the lab, and saw an angel bend over the abdomen of a pregnant mother, and kiss her swollen belly (and the baby within). The angel had an incredibly loving look on its face.  I stared; the angel gave me a look of great sorrow (as in “how could you do this?”) and left. I was a bit shaken, but these things happened from time to time.  I had a very hard heart towards God at this point, and chose to ignore what I had seen.

It is not at all uncommon in the first few months of a fetus’s life, for equipment “malfunctions” to occur (e.g. equipment used to cause torture suddenly stops working for no reason; it later passes all checks). These are considered normal oddities, because the programmers know and realize that the one they consider the “enemy” (the Christian God) is interfering because of the fetus’s cries of distress.

I now realize that God encounters such as these were not at all uncommon. Most trainers are taught to explain them away; to ignore them, and to harden their hearts and continue doing the work in spite of seeing  divine intervention.  The True God was giving a witness to His power and mercy in one of the darkest places of oppression possible, and I had no excuse for my choice at the time to turn away, other than my own lifetime of programming.

I now realize that the Christian God is good, He is merciful, and He answers the cries of those who cry out to Him.  He never forsakes or abandons those who ask His help. It was due in part to encounters such as the ones I described above that I began to question what I was doing, and to wonder who the real “enemy” was: the One trying to stop what I and the other programmers were doing, or the one who commanded us to hurt others (e.g., satan). I came to realize that I was on the wrong side, and chose to switch camps, and join the side characterized by love.

My prayer is that all who see heaven invade into the darkest places (and I do realize they are dark indeed), will choose to take the hand of the True God who loves His creation.

 

 

The Greatest Healing Tool

In this blog post, I wanted to talk about the greatest healing intervention that a survivor can experience: love.  During my own healing journey, over the years, I have discovered that the most healing came not from what a person knew, but how much they cared.

I do believe it is good to be informed about how programming works.  It can be tremendously helpful for a survivor to feel validated as he or she remembers, that others have gone through the same. But survivors of mind control and ritual abuse have been hurt in a relationship – and healing will often come through a relationship that is non-abusive, and offers caring concern.

I have had several people support me through my own healing journey, to varying degrees. I have had therapists, who offered an hour a week (or, an occasional crisis session). While this was helpful, it wasn’t enough. I had a lifetime of attachment and bonding to people who since I was in the womb told me they loved and cared for me – and I had parts who believed this. It wasn’t until I met individuals willing to demonstrate real, nonabusive caring, that I had a new paradigm to work from: not everyone is hurtful, and not everyone wants to use me to get something.

Genuine caring does this. When I say “love” in the supportive relationship, I am not talking about romantic love, or sexual love (the survivor has already experienced plenty of this). I am talking about a relationship where the survivor is listened to, respected, and their reality validated, or at least the question of whether memories are “true” is put on the shelf until more information is processed, and parts share more.  This kind of relationship, which can come from a friend, or someone willing to walk alongside the survivor, is in my opinion the most important tool for healing, even more important than understanding programming.

The people who cared about me enabled me to break my bonds with my abusers. These individuals helped me learn new ways of relating. They listened to grouchy parts (who were quite unhappy with my choice to leave the group); loyal parts (who came out sinister, angry or silent and tried to sabotage relationships), and false Christian parts (who wanted to turn everything into a simple “praise the LORD, let’s not look at the past). They showed these parts compassion, and so I learned to show myself compassion. They believed I could heal – and helped overcome the terrible despair that would hit at times (the “maybe I was hurt too much to ever get better” type).

One of the most important tasks for a survivor who is healing is to try and build support, and caring friends.  It can take time. Sometimes, there is no one available (I have gone through those periods, too, and it’s tough); but the true God is always available; the true Jesus is there, and will hear prayers that God will provide friends.  It doesn’t take a lot of friends; most of the time, I have only had one or two in my life; but they are a true blessing, and such an important part of the journey.

I am learning to be a friend to others now.  This is the result of caring: the survivor as they heal will want to help others too. This is a process, since real caring isn’t what I know, or what my past was. It is learning to listen to others, hear what they are saying about how they feel, and being there.  My prayer is that the LORD will raise up many who will be willing to help survivors heal, and be part of the blessing of seeing someone heal.

 

 

 

What My Healing Journey Has Been Like

I thought it might be helpful to share a bit about what healing has looked like, for the past few years, as I have worked on memories. I realize that the articles I have posted (in hopes of helping therapists and those who support survivors understand more about programming done, and the issues that survivors face) sound very organized, calm and logical. This is in large part because they have been written after some of the hardest part of a very difficult journey has been completed.

In 2007, I had gone through a very difficult time in my life. I was in a very abusive marriage, and had moved back to Texas after leaving the state for a year. A former friend saw me, was concerned about how I looked, and asked me “Are you okay?” I asked her if we could talk; and shared with her my concerns about my safety and my life in my current situation. She then told me that I could come and stay with her.
I went home; packed up my clothes (my husband was working), grabbed my dog, and fled. I literally had one bag of clothes, and almost nothing else. My friend, who had another friend living with her as well, became part of a difficult and highly emotional journey for me.

Journaling, collaging and self therapy

I began journaling daily, for hours. Parts were sharing their thoughts, concerns and fears on page after page, which included drawings of internal parts with “thought balloons” like cartoons, where they shared their thoughts with me. As the parts shared what they looked like, and their terror/panic/anger and shame, a picture started taking shape; one that horrified me as I saw what had really been going on, and the history of my life.
I filled three boxes full of journals over the course of the next two years. I created numerous collages, as parts put on paper their histories. At one point, I bought a cheap set of dolls of different ages, and hand-sewed costumes that included white lab coats, dark robes and other costumes, as younger parts did “play therapy” and showed me with the dolls what had happened to them.

The emotions

Some days, I would shake with fear, as parts shared about the programming traumas they had undergone. Other days, I would cry for hours, as I recalled losses; and as parts grieved what they had done in their past. I remember feeling suicidal as retaliation programming would be set off after parts disclosed high security memories, wondering if I would make it through the day. I decided to take life one hour, or even one minute at a time, and to choose to believe I would make it.

The despair would hit, and I would want to curl up into a ball and never get up. And still the memories came, and the journals filled up. I learned to find things that brought me joy, such as listening to songs my littles like (“Nala the Chihuahua” was a top favorite, as well as the gummy bear song in French, and the theme song from “The Titanic” in German). I would color, and finger paint, and play with clay. I took walks every day (with a friend, for safety). I found out to my amazement that I could dance; some ways that were joyful and fun; other ways that saddened me. I sang and played guitar, and made up songs to encourage my parts. I gave inside parts medals of commendation for courage and bravery, as they shared their stories, and helped others in the sharing. I played with my dog and hugged her.

I learned about the families I had grown up with in other countries, and felt disoriented and dislocated, as I realized that the life history I had always believed was a cult fabrication. I then felt deep anger at myself, for having “bought the lie” and at my perpetrators for controlling my life to this degree.

I dealt with rage, taking a sledge hammer and breaking rocks (which helped my friend, who was building a rock foundation and fence on part of her property). I was depressed and felt horrendous betrayal as I remembered my children accessing me, and taking me to be hurt; and realizing that it would not be safe to have contact with them.

The Toughest Times

Some days, I wondered if I would ever heal. I wondered if anyone heals. I wanted to know somebody who HAD healed, who could tell me it was possible to do it.

I got angry at God, yelling at Him, and telling Him I wanted nothing to do with a God who created a world where the types of abuse I was remembering were possible. I then felt His love and concern, and patience, in spite of my pain and hurt.

It was a difficult, hard and lonely process. My friends were supportive, but they had no background to understand the types of programming I was dealing with. I remembered being put in negative sound rooms, and isolation tanks; going through tech torture using Tesla waves, harmonics and machine brain entrainment, and while they cared, they could not really relate.

I missed my loved ones in the group, terribly, and cried as I worked at breaking the bonds. I drew pictures of them. I made pictures of perpetrators, and cut them up with scissors in rage; then would remember that I had also deeply loved these same people. I battled the inside shame and grief of realizing I attached to the very people whose abuse I despised.

I found parts inside who were just like them, both the good and the bad; and struggled to see both sides of them at once. I created an internal healing team of the healthiest parts inside whose job was to hold, love and nurture the young parts who felt scared about all we were remembering; and to help them through the anguish of missing the people they were bonded to.

I didn’t know anyone else who had gone through this, because I didn’t have any contact with any other survivors during this time. But I did have one thing I am very thankful for: when I asked my friend if I could ever heal, ever make it, during the worst times, this friend said “Yes”. When I said “I don’t know anyone else who has been through this type of stuff who has completely healed” my friend said “then you be the first. Show your kids and the people you miss that people really do get out – and stay out.”

I divorced my husband. I made new friends (and was very selective about who they were). I literally started my whole life over, at a time when most people my age were watching their children graduate from college.

It has been a difficult and emotional journey over the years. But it is so worth it. I now know my life history; the gaps are filled in. I remember my loved ones, with a mixture of joy for the love I knew, and sadness over the abuse we all endured, and perpetrated. I enjoy living a life now where people are no longer hurt; where “performance” is not the measure of a person’s worth. I am learning to forgive myself for the things I did that were wrong; and to forgive others who taught me to do those things.

This blog is in a sense part of my restitution, just as my earlier articles were. If sharing my journey is helpful to even one other in their journey, it will be well worth it.