What My Healing Journey Has Been Like

I thought it might be helpful to share a bit about what healing has looked like, for the past few years, as I have worked on memories. I realize that the articles I have posted (in hopes of helping therapists and those who support survivors understand more about programming done, and the issues that survivors face) sound very organized, calm and logical. This is in large part because they have been written after some of the hardest part of a very difficult journey has been completed.

In 2007, I had gone through a very difficult time in my life. I was in a very abusive marriage, and had moved back to Texas after leaving the state for a year. A former friend saw me, was concerned about how I looked, and asked me “Are you okay?” I asked her if we could talk; and shared with her my concerns about my safety and my life in my current situation. She then told me that I could come and stay with her.
I went home; packed up my clothes (my husband was working), grabbed my dog, and fled. I literally had one bag of clothes, and almost nothing else. My friend, who had another friend living with her as well, became part of a difficult and highly emotional journey for me.

Journaling, collaging and self therapy

I began journaling daily, for hours. Parts were sharing their thoughts, concerns and fears on page after page, which included drawings of internal parts with “thought balloons” like cartoons, where they shared their thoughts with me. As the parts shared what they looked like, and their terror/panic/anger and shame, a picture started taking shape; one that horrified me as I saw what had really been going on, and the history of my life.
I filled three boxes full of journals over the course of the next two years. I created numerous collages, as parts put on paper their histories. At one point, I bought a cheap set of dolls of different ages, and hand-sewed costumes that included white lab coats, dark robes and other costumes, as younger parts did “play therapy” and showed me with the dolls what had happened to them.

The emotions

Some days, I would shake with fear, as parts shared about the programming traumas they had undergone. Other days, I would cry for hours, as I recalled losses; and as parts grieved what they had done in their past. I remember feeling suicidal as retaliation programming would be set off after parts disclosed high security memories, wondering if I would make it through the day. I decided to take life one hour, or even one minute at a time, and to choose to believe I would make it.

The despair would hit, and I would want to curl up into a ball and never get up. And still the memories came, and the journals filled up. I learned to find things that brought me joy, such as listening to songs my littles like (“Nala the Chihuahua” was a top favorite, as well as the gummy bear song in French, and the theme song from “The Titanic” in German). I would color, and finger paint, and play with clay. I took walks every day (with a friend, for safety). I found out to my amazement that I could dance; some ways that were joyful and fun; other ways that saddened me. I sang and played guitar, and made up songs to encourage my parts. I gave inside parts medals of commendation for courage and bravery, as they shared their stories, and helped others in the sharing. I played with my dog and hugged her.

I learned about the families I had grown up with in other countries, and felt disoriented and dislocated, as I realized that the life history I had always believed was a cult fabrication. I then felt deep anger at myself, for having “bought the lie” and at my perpetrators for controlling my life to this degree.

I dealt with rage, taking a sledge hammer and breaking rocks (which helped my friend, who was building a rock foundation and fence on part of her property). I was depressed and felt horrendous betrayal as I remembered my children accessing me, and taking me to be hurt; and realizing that it would not be safe to have contact with them.

The Toughest Times

Some days, I wondered if I would ever heal. I wondered if anyone heals. I wanted to know somebody who HAD healed, who could tell me it was possible to do it.

I got angry at God, yelling at Him, and telling Him I wanted nothing to do with a God who created a world where the types of abuse I was remembering were possible. I then felt His love and concern, and patience, in spite of my pain and hurt.

It was a difficult, hard and lonely process. My friends were supportive, but they had no background to understand the types of programming I was dealing with. I remembered being put in negative sound rooms, and isolation tanks; going through tech torture using Tesla waves, harmonics and machine brain entrainment, and while they cared, they could not really relate.

I missed my loved ones in the group, terribly, and cried as I worked at breaking the bonds. I drew pictures of them. I made pictures of perpetrators, and cut them up with scissors in rage; then would remember that I had also deeply loved these same people. I battled the inside shame and grief of realizing I attached to the very people whose abuse I despised.

I found parts inside who were just like them, both the good and the bad; and struggled to see both sides of them at once. I created an internal healing team of the healthiest parts inside whose job was to hold, love and nurture the young parts who felt scared about all we were remembering; and to help them through the anguish of missing the people they were bonded to.

I didn’t know anyone else who had gone through this, because I didn’t have any contact with any other survivors during this time. But I did have one thing I am very thankful for: when I asked my friend if I could ever heal, ever make it, during the worst times, this friend said “Yes”. When I said “I don’t know anyone else who has been through this type of stuff who has completely healed” my friend said “then you be the first. Show your kids and the people you miss that people really do get out – and stay out.”

I divorced my husband. I made new friends (and was very selective about who they were). I literally started my whole life over, at a time when most people my age were watching their children graduate from college.

It has been a difficult and emotional journey over the years. But it is so worth it. I now know my life history; the gaps are filled in. I remember my loved ones, with a mixture of joy for the love I knew, and sadness over the abuse we all endured, and perpetrated. I enjoy living a life now where people are no longer hurt; where “performance” is not the measure of a person’s worth. I am learning to forgive myself for the things I did that were wrong; and to forgive others who taught me to do those things.

This blog is in a sense part of my restitution, just as my earlier articles were. If sharing my journey is helpful to even one other in their journey, it will be well worth it.


Working with internal pantheons

Note: this article describes how one group programs internal systems and is not meant to comprehensively describe programming in all groups; survivors from other groups may have internal leadership structures that very from this.

In the occultic group I was raised in, leadership in various systems was ranked in various ways. One ruling group in each presentation was a pantheon, or “council of the gods” that oversaw various functions and roles within the system.

For the white, or presentation systems, this pantheon was a Greek pantheon, with numerous gods from Greek mythology represented; in the black, or cult presentation, a Roman pantheon oversaw executive functions. For instance, in this system:

  • Jupiter(Zeus) oversaw the meting out of punishment and rewards and oversaw overall system integrity
  • Hera oversaw witchcraft
  • Poseidon oversaw amnesia (with a spear that would spear fetal and infant parts if the amnesia broke)
  • Aphrodite (Venus) oversaw sexual programs
  • Minerva oversaw internal “justice” and gave counsel to parts and system controllers on how to best act within situations to avoid punishment
  • Nemesis oversaw vengeance and psychic killing, with the help of Thantos and Phobos (terror programs)
  • Chaos brought internal confusion to prevent the degradation of programs, and external confusion to help promote agendas during missions
  • Morpheus oversaw dream programs (installed in delta state), including those sequences used for reprogramming at night
  • Hypnos oversaw suggestibility and believing everything the cult programmers told parts
  • Prometheus (Vulcan) oversaw punishment protocols that linked back to the core
  • Saturn oversaw reprogramming systems
  • Pan oversaw keeping the internal children happy and engaged in Neverland, to prevent their coming out unexpectedly or without authorization

Beneath each of these parts were various controllers who reported to them. These parts lived within internal “temples” dedicated to each, where internal daily sacrifices were conducted (on a rotating basis, starting at 2 am), to keep the spiritual power that drove the programming at a high level.

The pantheons were programmed to believe that they were a wise leadership council whose responsibility was to lead the systems into ascension, and to prevent the degradation of programming (and so, prevent resulting punishment).  These parts were internalized first prenatally, with actors talking to the birth mother and fetus, and sharing who they were. During infancy, the programming was installed further, with the programmers dressing in a costume representing the part coming to the infant’s bedside, talking kindly to the infant and sharing who they were, and what they did. They would each bond to the part that had been created (through severe trauma), and would tie a golden cord between themselves and the infant, saying “you are me, and I am you”, as they spoke the scripts accorded to the part.

Behind these pantheons is a third pantheon, consisting of the “ancients” and “those who existed before time”.  These “beings of light” were part of the core system, and were first installed prenatally by shining a bright light on the abdomen of the birth mother. The fetus then heard the words “I am a god, and have come to bring you light and enlightenment” and other scripts. This “council of light” internalized was very unemotional, was programmed to believe that it represented “universal consciousness” and would “bring the child into her destiny.”  These light beings spoke “prophecies” over the fetus, and later, over the infant, and over time, were internalized.

They sounded quite benevolent, logical and empathetic.  They were considered “guides” that the child was to listen to and receive direction from; and they consistently rewarded obedience to the Order (called the path to ascension) and punished instantly any disobedience to group directives (considered the path to descension, which would end in “utter darkness”).

Over early childhood, the programs for all three pantheons were installed more robustly, with re-enactments of Greek, Roman and ancient festivals, and with being dressed in the appropriate robes or dresses depending upon the role being played. By late childhood, I was able to play the role for other infants in the facility, and help with their programming, just as I had been programmed. When in the role, the internal part would rotate out, and I actually believed I was that god; it was no “act” but instead, allowing an external dramatization of the internal reality.

Healing of the pantheons has involved getting to know the histories of each one, including the traumas that created them, and how they were programmed. It has meant accepting each, valuing the gifts and abilities they bring to the system, and helping them to see that the old roles are no longer needed; but there are new and better options for them.  Each one has had specific conflicts and concerns about giving up their old roles, and healing has meant allowing them to journal, create art, and verbally process their feelings and memories.  It can take time to choose to give up or change an important job or role inside, and it is important to offer safe alternatives.

It has meant trying to accept without judgment or criticism what the parts have shared, especially when it conflicts with what the presentation system believes.  With time and healing, these parts have added great stability to help to the whole.

Healing has involved healing the infants that these parts came from.  Often, high controllers such as these will have a small infant attached to or near them (who during reprogramming, are retraumatized with the original traumas by VR to keep the programming intact).  Developing trust with these parts, helping these infants come into present reality, and finding internal safe parts willing to help hold and nurture these infants, has helped to promote intra-system cooperation and mutual caring.




Why Getting Memories Back Can Be Difficult

Often, when a survivor of ritual abuse and mind control begins to recover memories, there is significant discomfort, whether fear, physical pain, or other symptoms, that goes beyond the normal emotions involved in grieving and processing memories for those without programming.  I have heard survivors make comments such as “I feel awful because I am working on some difficult memories”, or “I am feeling terrified, I feel as if I will go crazy if I remember this” or even “the terror is unbelievable; I’m not sure I will survive remembering.”

It is not the memories themselves that cause these types of feelings, but the programming to not remember, which the survivor agreed to in their past, that is responsible.  A non-programmed memory will cause a natural amount of sadness, grieving, fear that resolves fairly quickly once the memory is brought into conscious awareness and the emotions are processed.  A programmed memory may be surrounded by barricades inside designed to prevent the survivor accessing the memory, or even wanting to remember; and if the survivor does remember, they may re-experience not only the memory, but the feelings associated with the programming to prevent remembering.

Why do cult and other groups that use mind control do this? One important reason is that if the survivor gets back their personal history, and remembers who they were and what they did, this could alarm the group they left for several reasons:

  • They may be considered a “security risk”, e.g., someone who could disclose information the group wants kept confidential.  This is why many mind control survivors will be programmed with various “security levels” for information inside, with the least important information to the group the most easily accessible by the survivor; while highly confidential information is kept in deeper layers with more retaliation programming involved if the person remembers and/or discloses to those outside the group.
  • If the individual remembers their own programming, they can break it, and will no longer want to do their old (programmed) jobs for the group.  Programming will not run successfully if the individual remembers how it was put in, and sees the setups, VRs, and lies; this is one reason why internal programmer parts (who know how things work and are done) are kept extremely isolated and barricaded from the parts who simply do their “jobs” inside, or from the young parts who believe that they were “loved” by their abusers.
  • Recovering their personal life history gives the individual an internal locus of control; once they can see the “big picture” they no longer need to depend on outsiders to tell them what reality is, or what parts of it to believe.

To prevent the above, most groups that do mind control will put in various forms of programming that punish the person if they remember events they were not “told” to remember, or who  break their amnesia.

Retaliation Programming

Most systems will have various forms of retaliation programming installed. In its simplest forms, if the individual begins to recover memories, or have bleedthrough of events, there will be parts programmed to immediately punish – severely  – with physical or emotional pain. This pain will often be linked to traumas (torture) done when the programming was installed.  Retaliation programming is based upon the punishing (retaliatory) parts believing that if the person remembers, bad things will happen. The scenarios can vary, and include: getting hurt; someone they love getting hurt; people will die; I will get overwhelmed with feelings; I and my systems will get flooded and “go nuts” or “be destroyed” and other scripts.

One form of retaliatory programming is internal parts that look like loved ones (in the group) getting punished if the individual remembers their past. This can occur because the individual has made agreements to forget (to be amnesic), or their loved ones will get hurt or killed. If a memory comes forward, the survivor may not remember the agreement, and instead, will fear terror, or reluctance to remember, and wonder why it is so difficult for parts to share information. Once they underlying traumas are resolved, the individual will be able to remember and not undergo retaliation.

Barricades and Barriers

Groups that use mind control will often create various barricades and barriers to remembering.  Common barriers can include:

  • Earth, wind, fire and water: the elements may be used to create barriers between systems and between parts; these elements are used in very painful traumas, and information can only be passed between systems by going through them, unless an authorization code is given (then, a bridge or communicator will be able to cross and parts will not be harmed). Taking down these barriers may include remembering the traumas used to install them, including any rituals that involved the elements, and helping parts to come into current (safe) reality that live within the barriers.
  • Walls: most groups will create walls between systems, and between front and back (presentation and cult host) parts. These walls will be put in place with terrible traumas that can include seeing a loved one killed, and used in the brick and mortar (with the warning that others will die if the wall is ever taken down or breached without permission);  or loved ones and the survivor being tortured on top of the wall, or even being “buried alive” beneath it (the person is rescued with their promise to never cross the wall).  Over the years, re-traumatization and reprogramming will be done, with other traumas (such as battering infants against a wall) to keep it in place.
  • Extreme Emotions: some barriers between systems and parts are created using extreme emotions that have been stored from years of trauma. These can include hopeless despair (if the person remembers, they will feel hopeless despair and/or suicidal); rage (including killing rage); terror; and extreme abandonment.  In some systems, these emotions are given to “guardians” in deeper levels who hold the feelings, which then drive this type of programming.  Once the survivor is able to get in touch with the parts that hold the feelings, and process the traumas, there will be less emotional retaliation for remembering. In many survivors, anti-healing and anti-memory programs can include the threat of the emotions being unleashed, and the survivor being overwhelmed. It can help to remind the survivor that these threats were made in the past, in a programming lab or other unsafe situation, and that remembering in a safe place with a safe person is very different.

As the various parts heal, and realize that they no longer need to obey their programming to not remember, the memories will often start coming more quickly, and with less fear or retaliation.  The survivor will start to remember and recover their own personal history. As this occurs, they may experience deep anger and rage at the manipulation by others that they are now realizing; deep grief over the abuse, as well as a deep sense of finding themselves and discovering who they truly are.  The latter is what truly makes the healing journey worth it.


Interview with Jo Getzinger of CARE, INC. Part 1: For Those Helping Survivors

Jo Getzinger, MSW is the President of CARE, Inc., a nonprofit organization dedicated to helping survivors of ritual abuse, complex trauma and human trafficking, and to helping educate those who support survivors.  She has more than 30 years of experience in working with complex trauma and graciously granted an interview.

svali: Jo, could you share some initial thoughts on healing?

Jo: When society typically thinks of healing, they look at things like functionality. Some survivors have had a hard time functioning in life, or managing a job; and initially, they will work on these issues. But I can think of many individuals who have worked on these issues, and are able to hold a job, but aren’t very healed, because what can occur is pseudo-maturity: they look functional, but the problems aren’t resolved and show up in their intimate and family relationships.

In order for there to be healing, there needs to be good intact relationships for the survivor. When an individual is able to maintain good relationships, and maintain a coherent identity, that’s what we consider a healed survivor.  Many individuals have had much better success at this over time as we have focused on the relational and belonging needs of survivors.

svali: What are some things you think might be helpful for therapists and those who are new to working with survivors?

Jo: First, I would like to address the question regarding how long the healing journey takes, since this is asked so frequently. It can take years for someone with complex trauma, particularly ritual abuse, to heal.  These individuals often have abuse backgrounds that involve family dysfunction and outside perpetrators as well, with a childhood history of a great amount of abuse, characterized by broken relationships. It takes a while to actually heal from this amount of trauma, because the answer is that healing actually occurs through relationship. Because it takes time for the survivor to build trust, healing won’t be a “quick fix”.  It can’t just be goal oriented with tasks assigned; helping involves a relational healing journey between the therapist and the individual.

svali: What I hear you saying is that when working with survivors, be prepared for the journey, and not just a few quick sessions or a couple of prayers?

Jo: Yes.  I think it’s important that the helper is able to look at their own wounds; everyone is wounded from some trauma in their life at some point.  It’s important that therapists have a good handle on their own issues, and that they are healed to the extent they are able to “go the distance” with the survivor. Survivors have wounded backgrounds, and all types of problems will surface over the course of the healing journey. When working with someone who is so wounded, anything in your own life that needs attention and to be worked on will be pointed out by survivors.  For instance, if you struggle with shame yourself and you are working with someone who struggles with shame, or any of the other difficult emotions, the survivor will find that emotion and bring it up in you, often through testing the relationship. If you don’t know how to handle emotions in a healthy way for yourself, it’s going to be difficult to help them resolve those feelings.

svali: Sometimes, supporters raise the question of not being a trained person, and the concern that they might do harm due to not knowing what to do?

Jo:  That’s why I believe it’s important that the group of supporters that develops around the survivor works with the therapist, who must take the time to train the support system. Creating a support team was one of the single most helpful things that we began to do here at CARE. In the past when I tried to do this type of work with only one hour a week in an office setting, it simply wasn’t enough.  The hourly session was kind of a contrived relationship, not something that helped the survivor live in a practical way outside the office so they could actually experience safety, or the modeling of good relationships. In the traditional office model, it was impossible for them to develop a give and receive relationship in a way that modeled healthy and safe attachments.

svali: It sounds like you are describing the fact that not only survivors need support and teaching in the therapeutic relationship, but supporters , or the support team also need help learning what’s helpful and what’s not helpful.

Jo: that’s right. Because if helpers don’t have any training, as they try to help, they are going to be tested in the relationship. Typically, helpers aren’t used to being tested or dealing with the fear that is introduced into the relationship by the survivor. If you think about it, a survivor has often lived with a lot of hurt and betrayal, abuse and pain, where nothing is ever safe; that’s all they have experienced in life. Suddenly someone comes along and says “I want you to trust me, and I’m going to love you,” and survivors can’t receive from the helper, because they’ve only experienced pain in relationships, and they’re fearful. They will have to test the supporter. Testing is a process of making a relationship. The motivation behind the testing are concerns like these:  “If I don’t do things perfectly, or if I blow it, or if I show fear, or anger, will you still care for me?”  Survivors will try to push the supporter away because of thoughts like this: “I’m afraid that if I let you get close to me, you’ll do something to hurt me, or drop me.” It‘s a normal process of push away and pull close, until that person learns that the other is going to remain consisten and constant through the testing process.

svali: What has personally helped you in your over 30 years of helping survivors?

Jo:  I would say my faith is the most important, because that’s what’s kept me going during the times when it felt like nothing was going well; when I got tested and when I got the push/pull from survivors. It was especially difficult when it felt like there wasn’t a lot of support from others. As my own healing and maturity issues came up in my face,  it’s really the faith I had and the LORD’s encouragement to keep going, and that He was working out things in me that helped most. After 30 years I can look back and say that I gained a lot personally from the work, with a lot of refining and burning off the “dross” in me. This is true for anyone who continues in this important work. It’s a matter of being willing to persevere and trust that no matter what happens, God is going to work it out for good; that He will do this in me, and in the survivor.

svali:  I’ve heard some supporters and churches mention their fear of warfare (spiritual attack) when they work with survivors.  Anything you found helpful?

Jo:  Well, from my own experience I have encountered warfare when working with survivors. This is an issue because there are spiritual strongholds that the survivor will bring with them because of the type of abuse they’ve been in, and part of healing is working out these issues. When I encountered this, what I found is that God had to get bigger in my life. The bigger He became, the less fearful I became of any warfare that would come at me.  The scripture that has really guided me in this process is that “suffering produces perseverance, perseverance produces  good character,  and character produces hope, and hope does not disappoint,” and I have really experienced that as true. God really does take everything evil and turns it around for good, so we don’t have to fear; and even when I don’t know why warfare is occurring or what might be the result of this warfare, I trust that He will bring the breakthrough and He always does.

svali: What are the characteristics of a good prayer minister or therapist in the context of working with ritual abuse/mind control survivors?

Jo: I think the characteristic of a good therapist or prayer minister is someone who is able to love; again, the Christian principle that “love never fails.”  You can be intelligent, or skilled, but if you don’t have love, you are basically a clanging cymbal (1 Cor. 13).  I think the most important thing is that the person you are working with senses that you do deeply care about them.  Even if you’re a brand new therapist, and you don’t know very much, “Love covers a multitude of sins”.  If the person knows that you care about them, they will understand that the therapist can make mistakes, and if you’re willing to be humble and apologize, and listen to that person, then they will understand that you are doing your best; especially if you remain teachable.

svali: Wait, you’re saying teachable, that the therapist can learn from the survivor? That’s a shift from the normal therapeutic paradigm.

Jo:  If you can remain humble and teachable, and a good listener, you will be able to hear what the person needs. I think that faith is important, too. If the survivor sees that you have a strong faith, they will be attracted to who your God is, because your faith will be tested in this relationship. If your God is big, they will see that, and that is what they need to have hope for themselves.

It can’t just be the therapist that brings strength and support to the survivor; it has to be the One they are introduced to by the therapist. You become a bridge for that client to God, and the client’s relationship with God can be repaired as well. This is especially true if the survivor’s background is ritual  ritual abuse: ritual abuse targets the survivor’s relationship with God, and often severely damages it.  Who they believe God is, because of the distortions created through the abuse, and who God really is, is an important thing to help the survivor examine.  The survivor can begin to repair their experience of God by the example of a good and true Christian life modeled by the helper.

Often, one of the basic questions asked by a survivor of ritual abuse is “Where was God when these things happened to me?”  This is one of the foundational problems created by the abuse: the idea that God didn’t care, or that He wasn’t powerful enough to help the survivor. If the helper can model faith while they’re relationally tested and can be patient and compassionate as the survivor experiences emotions such as hopelessness; and if  the helper can remain strong and trusting in God no matter what things look like, then the survivor can begin to see that there is something more, that might have been missed, about who God is. Survivors can begin to see that God can come through for them, too. Since the helper isn’t giving up on the survivor, maybe God hasn’t given up either.

svali: can you share more about what a healthy relationship with a therapist or supporter would look like?

Jo: It is someone who deeply cares about the survivor and puts the survivor’s needs first. The helper must maintain the ability to manage their own needs and set consistent, healthy boundaries. Survivor’s bonding experiences in the past came from abusive relationships, it’s a trauma bond, and the perpetrator makes it all about what they need; and all bonds that are formed are through manipulation. Trauma bonds do involve love, but most often the perpetrators  themselves are not free to demonstrate any kind of real love without manipulation and abuse involved in the bond.

svali; What I am hearing you say is that an important part of a good therapeutic relationship is offering a healthy alternative to a trauma bond to the person.

Jo: yes.  And a healthy bond would involve the client understanding that I am there for them; and that I am there to help them.  I am not interested in a manipulative, self-seeking relationship, but in one that really puts the person’s needs first, takes care of them first. That provides safety for them to actually heal.


Part two of this interview will discuss questions that survivors often ask

Exposing the International Sex Trade

Trigger warning: graphic description of the international child and infant sex trafficking market

These are recovered memories shared by inside parts, and while I believe them to be true and accurate, others may consider this account fictional. I will let readers decide.

All international occultic societies engage in pedophilia and human trafficking to some degree.  In this post, I will expose one of the biggest money-makers for the order I was raised in: the infant and child sex trade.

The center of the “industry” as it is known to brokers (those who buy and sell infants, children and teens for various uses) is in south Amsterdam, known to those in the industry as “sin city”.  Sin city contains the brothels and sex houses known to the public, but it has a seamy understand that is less known: the trafficking in children and infants.

One of the families I was hosted with as a child was located in South Amsterdam for this very purpose. I was raised with my “Uncle Lou” and “Aunt Sally” there.  They each had their idiosyncrasies: I remember that Aunt Sally constantly cleaned and scrubbed the house until it was spotlessly sterile, as if doing penance for her lifestyle. Uncle Lou, when angry with me, used to threaten to ship me to Eastern Russia, terrorizing me by telling me I would be raped to death, since I was a pretty child.

Uncle Lou was a broker in the sex industry, and as a child, he taught me everything about how it worked.  I remember being taken in a truck to Eastern Europe (I was only 8 at the time), to “help” as the workers went to orphanages, and found infants and children deemed suitable. The workers dressed in nice Western suits, and let the orphanage directors know that the children would be placed in “loving families” in the West; they also gave a generous donation to the orphanage.  I was cynically sure, even at that young age, that the directors of the orphanages suspected that these pretty children were not destined to be adopted out.

The infants were cared for in the truck by peasant women hired for this purpose, to give the infants bottles (with medication, to make them sleep more), to change them, and ensure that the cargo would make it to Amsterdam healthy. These women knew that they were to never talk about what they did, on threat of their entire families being killed. I helped give bottles to the babies, and held or comforted upset toddlers and children, as the truck was filled up during the long journey across Eastern Europe. Other times, the truck made the trip to China, or Russia, but the purpose was the same: to find as many beautiful children and infants as possible, to feed the appetites of the wealthy.

Once the truck was full, it would head back. The infants and children, by now drugged, slept quietly behind a special partition. The border guards were well paid to never inspect the cargo, and it made its way back to sin city. Once the truck came, it was unloaded; the children were given shots, vitamins and inspected carefully. This was when the sorting occurred.

Some children (infants) were destined to undergo specialized sexual training before being placed on auction (twins were especially valued for this purpose, and got a higher price on the black market).  Others, a bit older, were placed on a special diet for strength and health, and were destined to go to the special sex parties that the wealthy in Europe enjoyed; or for use in infant porn. The youngest children were often sent directly to a proceurateur (individual whose job was to procure children and infants for the wealthy), who then prepared them with perfumes, oil baths, etc. prior to a sex party. These children were considered “expendable”, and were often killed by the teens or adults who went to the party, once they were sexually abused. At times, the multiple rapes themselves killed the child; other times, the adults killed the child as part of their sexual perversion (e.g. as part of a “snuff” sequence).

I remember the first sex party that I attended, at age 2. My twin sister and I wore diamond dog collars, and nothing else, and the individual who took us in to the party wore a tuxedo (this was the father we loved).  We both had special temporary tattoos on our backs and neck that identified us as being private property, and not to be killed (but this did not cause our anxiety to go down, as we watched child after child snuffed that night).  Fortunately, in the morning, we were both still alive; the partiers respected the special tattoos.

The purpose of being at the party? To observe the adults, and report any information possible on those who attended, to the Fathers who had sent us there for this purpose. Most adults in that time did not suspect that a young child could be used in this way, or knew that a two-year old can accurately report adult conversations and activities.

I had been to these parties for years, and knew the private practices of the Rothschilds, Battenbergs and others, which were quite perverse.  I recalled at times fearing being suffocated due to an intoxicated adult passing out on top of me when I was very young; or fearing that the special temporary tattoos would accidentally get rubbed off during the night’s activities.  At age 8, I felt sorry for the infants and young children that the procurateurs for these families and others grabbed, knowing all too well the fate that awaited them.

Once the shipment arrived, word went out, and the buyers for the larger private brothels would come.  The Amsterdam child brokers have a list which is updated every month, with the current market price for infants, toddlers, children and preteens; these prices vary by race, training (e.g. whether the child can perform an unusual sexual feat, or has been specially “stretched” since birth to accommodate an adult penis, etc.), whether they are a twin, and other factors. The buyers and the brokers both know the going “list” price, which is set at the private coffeehouses where the brokers gather and discuss prices; I often served these brokers coffee and ran to get them cigars as a young child in my Dutch presentation.  After a period of negotiation, the buyers for the brothels (some international) pay and take the children. Some shipments also contain children earmarked for various occultic groups, for use in rituals or other events.

Some children go to the auction houses. The largest is located on the outskirts of Paris, and is a popular destination for the wealthy. After an extravagant dinner served at 11 pm, at which the wealthy wear designer originals and deck themselves with jewels, there is a brief entertainment (such as an orchestra, or singing, etc.) At 1 am, the auction starts, with children exhibited and bid upon. This goes on hour after hour, as the wealthy bid on the children that will accompany them to the next “sex party”, or on ones to be given as “gifts” to return a favor.  Some are taken home that night; one that sadly they will likely not live through.

The “industry” brings in billions of dollars a year. An infant in the late 1960’s would sell for thousands of dollars; a child, from 1000 to 10,000 (for an especially pretty child or one with special training); they would certainly sell for more now. One truckload of children back then would bring in hundreds of thousands of dollars. The brokers keep careful track of the money earned, and have specialized accountants for this purpose.

One of my main jobs in my early teens was to help keep the books for some of the larger brokers. I did this for a reason unknown to these individuals: to ensure that the brokers were being “honest” and not embezzling, since the profits from the industry went to the V.  The V. had numerous agents around the city who were well aware of how much money was being earned through sales to procurateurs, private brothels, auction houses and others. A strict accounting was done, because to the V., it was ultimately all about money; the children were not valued at all, but simply seen as a money-making commodity.

The top brokers are well aware of the oversight over the trade of an individual from the V., to whom they must pay a “tithe” or “tax” as it is sarcastically referred to. This individual has a huge mansion with walled gardens, and often puts on fabulous sex parties for private guests.

The amount of human pain, misery and death that this industry creates is terrible. The children are not commodities, and the auction houses are centers of corruption, lust and greed.

Earlier in my healing journey, I fantasized about burning down the auction house in Paris (when the children were all gone). I hated it and all it represented.  As a teen, I was forced to be a procurateur for a time for the head of the German Illuminati, due to my connections to the industry. I hated having to look for children to feed the appetites of these individuals, and today am ashamed of what I did.

To cope with the shame and guilt, in my Dutch presentation, I had several addictions (sexual ones). At the time, the feeling was “since I must be part of this all, I may as well join in.” It took time and significant inside work to undo the addictions, since at one time, I was the individual who oversaw the “industry” in Amsterdam in the mansion, hosting the parties.  I helped to funnel the money from south Amsterdam to others. I am truly sorry for all that I did at this time in my life, and I pray that this terrible buying and selling of children will stop.






Growing Up International Part Three: Ages Three to Six

I am writing these autobiographical articles to help others understand how international occultic societies program their members. The information in the articles is specific to the group I was raised in, but many of the methods described are used by other groups.

Trigger Warning: this article contains graphic descriptions of trauma and programming setups

At age three, the others in my group and I graduated from the white tunics we wore, to longer brown tunics (what acolytes in the order wear). This showed we were no longer infants and toddlers, and our training would progress with greater expectations.

The Monastery

At this time, I began to spend regular time at a monastery north of Rome that is very old and ancient, and not part of the “public” tours.  The monastery is completely walled in with high walls. Inside, it was beautiful, with a walled in garden and bench on one side; a circular fountain in front of the main doorway inside, and flowers. The grounds were kept immaculately.

I was there to learn numerous things, including discipline (I learned to scrub the stone floors on my hands and knees without complaining; every once in a while, I would finish scrubbing, and to teach me humility, a father would come and urinate on the floor, and tell me to do it again. Normally, though, the tasks were completed and I could go to class.

At this time, I went into classes for part of each day (the preschoolers are genetically enhanced and highly intelligent, and go for four hours a day), where I learned languages, oral history, and how to read and write (I could do so by age three and a half, in several languages).  I was also learning martial arts (one of my favorite classes at the time), and military skills, including how to take apart and put together a gun, how to shoot a target; how to defend myself against an attack dog; the use of various poisons, basic field first aid, how to climb over barriers, running, how to follow someone without being noticed, and other skills.

Amnesia and “Don’t Talk” programming

I was also undergoing extensive amnesia programming at this time.  In one setup, a father would come into the room, talk to someone else, and I was given a forget code by the father as he left. Later, I would be asked what I remembered. If I remembered anything at all, the father (who was someone I loved) was brought in and tortured in front of me (to show the “effect” of “remembering” on others).  In one setup, I was switched through several parts in succession while doing a small “mission”; later each part was quizzed regarding whether they remembered any part of the sequence that they shouldn’t. One time, they did; then the Father I loved held a gun to my head, and told me, “If you keep remembering, I will have to shoot you; we can’t afford a security risk like this, much as it would hurt me to do this.” I had seen a child shot for remembering too much (too much bleedthrough), so I knew the threat was real.  The next time, I had complete amnesia when taken through sequences. My parts had gotten the message.

There were other amnesia setups, such as the “Remember the Flowers” setup (where the pool in the garden was filled with the partially submerged bodies of children and adults who I “remembered”, some were doubles of myself and my classmates, as well as fathers I loved; the pool was also filled with water lilies). Each child represented a “flower” and the warning was to not remember, or they would be killed.

Because age 3 is a time when the child is very creative, many internal structures put in previously were heavily reinforced.  These included internal trees (Tree of Life, Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, and Cruz, or the Cross of false martyrdom); the Garden of Eden, including the snake, Adam, Eve and Lillith (the first mother of all witchcraft, also called “Adam’s second wife” by the programmers).

Spiritual Programming

At this time, the spiritual programming was also heavily reinforced for various systems.  These included:

  • Babylonian programming: deities, rituals and learning how to do sacrifices to the deities was done. These included Ashtoth, Bel, Ashtaroth, Molech and others. In one programming ritual, the child has hundreds of golden needles with wires inserted, and is hung from this series of wires in a very painful sun ritual (to Bel).
  • Egyptian programming: deities and parts were reinforced, and sacrifices to Ra, Horus, Set and others was taught. For each of these “classes” the oral history of the cultures was also given.  Internal pyramids with altars were installed, and chambers where the various parts lived internally were created. I was left in a re-creation of an ancient Egyptian chamber, chained to an altar; it was a rough night indeed, as I was terrorized by actors portraying “demons” and “Egyptian gods”.  This trauma reinforced the programming, and was meant to make it very difficult to remember.
  • Ancient Ones programming: these were very old earth deities, with many appearing as giants in groves overseen by “ancient ones” with white hair and mage or high witchcraft/warlock skills.
  • Q’bala programming: this was also installed to a greater degree during this time, with the three trees tied to the delta computer logic system.
  • Druid programming: This programming was conducted in ancient groves, and included learning the appropriate sacrifices, how to set the stones in a magic circle, and being tied to a very large and old oak tree for the night.

Throughout these years, I was also taught how to perform rituals and sacrifices, learning how to dissect first a corpse, and later a living human being (homeless people were used in the school for these purposes).  By the time I was six, I had dissected and learned how to carve a cadaver and living person expertly, how to peel skin (a torture technique), and other “skills”.  I knew all of the major organs, circulatory and nervous system structures, and nerve points. I was becoming very skilled at torture. At first, as a young child, I would turn white, or even vomit, but soon learned that this was not tolerated, and learned to dissociate my feelings.

Programming Training

All children in the group I was raised in have at least basic competency as a trainer or programmer.  This training also continued in the “lab” time, and included instructional classes where my classmates and I were allowed to watch the older trainers and ask questions. We were also taught skills on homeless people and others considered less valuable, learning how to install programming; read brain scans and monitor responses.  By age six, I had significant basic competency as a trainer, and could install many basic programs successfully.

Learning to Hate Traitors and Anti-Interrogation (setups)

Because loyalty was so basic to the order, my classmates and I were taught to heavily fear and hate traitors through setups that included:

  • “traitors” breaking into the monastery and attempting to rape my classmates and I and set fire to the room. We fought them off, but they began overpowering us, until the Fathers came and drove them away
  • Running away setup: all children become angry with the fathers during their training, and are allowed to “run away” with a setup . I “ran away” in anger, trying to escape my abuse at the monastery, and was picked up by friendly people who offered to take me to “safety”. I agreed, and they drove me to another town. That night, and for the next three days, I was abused non-stop in terrible ways, until I managed to “escape” while they were sleeping, and was found and taken home to the monastery by the Fathers, who said they had been “sick with worry” about me. They would then ask me what my punishment should be for worrying them this way; once decided, the father would then go through half of the punishment for me (to show their “love). This setup was designed to teach me that the outside world was much worse than what I was undergoing, and to teach me to mistrust and hate “outsiders.”
  • During military setups, during which we camped out after marching all day, at times I would be “abducted” by an “enemy” (non-member of the order) who would spend time interrogating me. As a preschooler, this involved simple levels of torture, and refusal to answer questions. Later,  I would manage to “escape” and the Fathers would rescue me, take me back to the monastery, and praise me for my “bravery” under torture, etc.

Learning to “rescue” others

Learning to rescue loved ones is a critical skill and belief system taught, since so much programming involves rescue of not only the self, but loved ones, from trauma, torture or death.  These setups often involved doing something considered very “disobedient” (al l children do from time to time; the anger and rage from the constant abuse leaks out, and they defy orders or do things to act out their pain; this is expected and planned for). Upon defying an order, I was ordered to be flogged with a whip that had small bits of bone attached (a flagellum, a favorite punishment of the Jesuits).  I realized that the amount of whipping ordered would likely cost my life (I had defied very badly). But then, the Father I loved most stepped in, and said “I will take the punishment for you.” I was stunned. He was flogged until his skin was stripped and bleeding, looking at me the whole time with a loving face. I cried and screamed, and this reinforced for me the belief that if you love someone, you will take their pain for them.

Over the years, I learned to do this myself, in setup after setup, until the ultimate ones in which the Father I loved most asked “I know it will hurt badly, but are you willing to die for me?” I was four, and I said “Yes”.  I allowed him to put me to death, then resurrect me with resuscitation equipment and spiritual means. He then said “Now we are tied by death and life.” I literally trusted him with my life. The main thing is that out of my great love (for this individual who manipulated me) I willingly agreed to the death and resuscitation.  This is foundational for programming, because the individual must agree before it can be truly successful.

Green House (MI6)

At age 3 ½, I was taken to Green House (named after Col. Green of MI6) for the first time, with my classmates, for training. Green House is rented out to various groups for training at times, with the purpose of my undergoing the Green House training to be an agent.  At this time, my delta computer system programming was also layered upon the base programs set up in the womb and during infancy, using the sophisticated computerized technology there.  I was literally hooked up to a computer, and for days, taught to simulate everything it did internally.  My delta parts learned to talk with a computerized flat affect, and to perform internal system checks, to store information in various security layers, etc. I also improved my skills with a gun, a knife and other abilities.

Introduction to the Vatican School

At age six, I was already a competent trainer (programmer), with the ability to program others with basic programs.  I knew human anatomy inside out, was skilled at torturing others in numerous ways, was learning various rituals, and had already performed several assassination missions (the first one completed at age 4; I was deadly as a child, which the order counted on, since no one would suspect a child that young).  I had been hosted in several countries around the world for three years now and was building up my covers in those countries. I was now ready to enter the Vatican school.

Programming to Block Healing

Trigger warning: this article contains graphic information regarding programming and trauma and could be triggering to cult/mind control survivors


When a survivor of mind control enters therapy, their trainers will be notified (often by the survivor themselves, since they frequently “report in”), and specific programming to block therapy with their current therapist will begin to be put into place. This will be layered in addition to the generic “no heal” programming that all survivors have installed that prevents unauthorized system access, or any communication between presentation (front) parts and the cult host or systems.


Therapy blockers are highly programmed to completely resist therapy, will often have programming specific to the therapist the survivor is currently seeing, and are extremely bonded to their trainers. They are highly motivated to prevent healing due to the fear of trauma (abuse) to the survivor, and the even greater fear of losing contact with their loved one (the trainer the individual was bonded to).



Generic No Heal Programming


When the survivor is an infant, and throughout childhood, they will be put through mock “therapy” sessions and deliverance sessions in which the “therapist” (a cult actor) kindly asks the child to share information and encourages them to disclose their abuse. Later in the setup, the child is then tortured for talking and disclosing, is raped by the mock therapist, and is “hospitalized” (see the section on Crazy Alice programming) to punish them for “making up” memories that “couldn’t possibly be true”. In order to heal, the survivor must choose to push past this programming to enter therapy at all, unless they have been sent on a mission for this purpose (some survivors are sent to infiltrate the practices of therapists who are effective and learn about how they work, in order to help the cult understand how to block therapy with the therapist).


In addition to the above, the survivor will see setups in which for every disclosure they make, a loved one is tortured horrifically, sending the message: “if you talk, your loved ones will be hurt.” This basically shuts down healing for many.


Specific Therapy Blocking Programming


Each therapist has an individual style of working with people, and this may be used against the survivor. Because most survivors are still cult active when they enter therapy, during “tune ups” (reprogramming sessions), the cult will attempt to make the survivor fear disclosure in therapy by doing the following:

  • Create a VR of the therapist abusing the client following personal disclosure (shocks, rapes, etc.)
  • Have an actor that looks similar to the therapist, trained to use the therapist’s favorite phrases to encourage therapy, who does mock therapy with the survivor. Each phrase used (over and over) is combined with shock, rape or other torture to the survivor, so when they hear it, they will recoil in pain and disgust.
  • Create a VR of the therapy room, and then have the “therapist” avatar perform rituals there, to convince the survivor that the therapist is “one of us” and therefore not safe to disclose to.


A survivor often must overcome an enormous amount of programming to trust a therapist at all, especially since during the time they still have contact with the cult, they and their loved ones will be tortured every time they attempt to heal during reprogramming sessions.


If the survivor does choose to trust the therapist, they need to be aware that some people (but thankfully not all) drawn to providing therapy or support for DID, trauma, and ritual abuse are programmed cult members who job is to access survivors seeking to get out. It is not unusual for the “supporter” to later discover that he/she is actually DID and programmed as well, as time goes on. It can be difficult to determine at first whether the blocks to therapy are coming because of programmed setups such as those described above, or because the survivor (legitimately, at times) does not feel safe with the therapist.


This is why choosing a therapist is a matter for prayer, discernment and seeking input from a safe person (if the therapist knows one) regarding who to see.


Because of the above programming, survivors will often attempt to block therapy using different methods. These fears are genuine, and should not be minimized; instead, the survivor needs support and prayer from individuals they trust, as they work through the issues.


Typical Therapy Blocking Programs


When a therapist works with a survivor, they will see a lot of ambivalence: the survivor wants to heal, but part(s) of the survivor is avoiding the healing quite energetically. This can cause a lot of frustration in both the survivor, and the therapist, who over time may begin to wonder “Why don’t you just heal?” The survivor may experience tremendous internal conflicts between their entire worldview and experience, and the information that a therapist challenges this worldview with.  In addition, the survivor will be emotionally invested in saving loved ones, who they believe are being tortured each time they break programming.


This ambivalence and internal conflict can cause the survivor to display any or all of the following programmed responses in therapy:


  • Cycling through parts over and over (rolodexing): this is  a symptom of extreme system distress and conflict, as parts of the survivor are attempting to heal and incorporate new information, while other parts are terrified that the programming is breaking. This rapid switching is a sign that internal controllers are trying to stop doing their jobs (including hiding internal pain), and that they are “failing” at doing their old job; as a result, they are feeling terror and are attempting to send out part after part to present in rapid succession. Rolodexing can also be a punishment program that causes the survivor to look completely dysfunctional, and be used to reinforce the belief (which is a lie) that the survivor is “going insane”, etc. Rolodexing will stop once the “hot topic” in therapy is dropped; this can be an opportunity to journal and work on the topic, since it is obviously important to healing or the system would not respond in this way.


  • Only one memory comes up: some survivors go through weeks, months and even years processing only one or two memories that cycle through again and again, even though they recognize they were raised in a cult group. This is a way of blocking therapy, since the survivor never gets past that one memory to do other work inside.


  • House that Jack Built: This is a specific form of blocking, in which the survivor cycles through bits and pieces of one memory, and each time, must repeat the same sequence in order before they can add new information to the memory. The survivor will appear to need to completely recount the previous information given before they can look at any new information regarding the memory, which can be wearing on both the survivor and therapist.


  • False Christian work: If the survivor is working with a Christian therapist or deliverance ministry, they will pull out their false “god” “jesus” and “holy spirit” to “help” with the healing. They may be praying wholeheartedly, praying warfare prayers, doing daily Bible study, agreeing with the therapist, and reporting visions of “jesus” intervening inside and how “close” they feel to “god” during therapy. The problem is that they are not praying to the real Christian God who has the authority to heal, deliver and bring breakthrough, and this survivor will often leave therapy frustrated, wondering why God doesn’t answer in spite of all the praying they are doing. This is heavily linked to anti-Christian programming (please see article on this topic).


  • False integrations: If the survivor is on a mission to bond with the therapist, learn their techniques, and later report to the cult the therapy methods used, they will want the therapist to feel good about seeing them. This is often accomplished through false integrations (the survivor is completely unaware that it is a program), in which dozens, hundreds or more of parts are “miraculously joined together” without any trauma (or memories), and the survivor expresses deep gratitude about the “tremendous healing” they have received. This type of work can also be a response to a huge need to please a prayer or deliverance minister who pressures the survivor to integrate before they are ready. While God can and does accomplish the miraculous, most true integrations bring back life history, both good and bad, and resolve core conflicts and false beliefs that fueled the dissociation.


  • Therapy sabotage: with this programming, the survivor will be late to appointments, may miss scheduled appointments, may “forget” to pay for therapy, does not do therapeutic homework, and verbalizes wanting to drop out. A subset of this program is distancing the therapist/supporter through methods such as pulling out sexual parts who attempt to “seduce” the therapist; pulling out hostile/rude/unpleasant parts who pick fights, assault the therapist, or tear the therapist down verbally, and even threaten to sue the therapist if they become desperate.


  • Shutdown programming: At times, a survivor who is still in contact with the cult will be given a shutdown/stop healing command. When this is running, the survivor will experience the following:


    1. Is completely unable to communicate with parts inside
    2. Is unable to journal, collage or do artwork
    3. Feels intense anxiety at the thought of doing internal work
    4. Wants to be “normal” and “forget about healing”, wants a “real life” and chooses to leave therapy, sometimes permanently (note: this is different from taking a short break from therapy or healing, which is normal at times)


This form of programming is frustrating for both the survivor and therapist, since it seems to be a waste of therapy time working with someone who cannot communicate with parts and does not even seem motivated to do any internal work at all. To resolve this, the survivor needs to look at where access occurred, how the shutdown command was given (including subliminals or texts online or by phone), and what threats were used to accomplish the shutdown (frequently, this will be a double bind being threatened).


  • Pulling out false issues to work on (cover issues): It is common for survivors, especially early in their healing, to work on cover programming to prevent their going deeper into their system. The survivor may only remember their American host family; or believe that they were only sexually abused, or abused by an organized cult group for a few years, then “let go when they moved away from home” or “married someone outside the group” (which almost never happens in reality).


Until the survivor goes past the cover, and is able to work with the true programming and beliefs that run the system, healing will be sporadic and difficult, and they will be vulnerable to reaccess. The survivor must be willing do internal work, including journaling and asking the LORD to uncover the truth, regardless of what it is. They must be willing to go “all out” for the LORD, and trust their loved ones in the group to His care, as they go past guardians, system blocks, demonic blocks and learn what is actually inside.


  • Doubt: Belief that the survivor will never heal: This is programming designed to knock out the effectiveness of work done by the survivor and therapist/supporter. This programming will be installed with setups in which the child is told to “heal” or “break the programming” under command – and then experiences horrendous pain and terror (through VR or tech torture). The child in numerous setups is told to “integrate” and again, pain, terror and hopelessness is installed. This is layered in many times over the years. When the survivor does try to heal in therapy, they will often re-experience these feelings of pain, hopelessness and futility regarding healing, or even the possibility of God answering their prayers to heal.


The survivor will also have been shown videos of individuals in lab settings attempting to break the programming that was installed in them – and the people viewed in the setups go “insane”, or “die”. They will be shown the readouts for the slow, agonizing death, to instill the belief that the programming can never be broken. In actuality, if that was really true, the programmers would not have to install this false belief. It can help the survivor to understand that their situation is different: unlike the individuals they watched trying to break programming in a facility dedicated to demons, the survivor has a God that loves them and can heal anything, safety, and support that the people they watched did not have.


  • Emotional flooding that does not promote healing: Some survivors will present in therapy appearing to be willing to heal, but the instant that any memory comes forward, they will burst into tears and appear to “melt down” for what can amount to the entire therapy session, wailing over their guilt and self-condemnation. While emotions will come with the recall of traumatic memories (and should), seeing hours of therapy “hijacked” by a part crying every time the survivor comes to therapy could be a sign that this is running.


The supporter or therapist may want to gently confront or challenge this part regarding their job within the system, and see if the survivor is willing to work past this program. The survivor will need to become aware if it is running, and break any agreements to have this part step forward if anything is disclosed. The traumas that created this response in what is often a very young part will also need to be resolved.


  • Child presentation: Normally, the infants and children in a mind-controlled system are heavily protected and guarded, and do not come out in therapy until trust and safety have been established over time. A completely young presentation is highly abnormal, and can be the result of several things:
    1. Programming breakdown: some survivors literally “burn out”, especially if they have been heavily used in the field on missions, and too much “wipe out” and other amnesia programming of presenters afterwards can cause a situation in which the adults are too tired/traumatized to present, and children come forward
    2. Mission programming: some survivors are programmed to present with children in order to seem “harmless” and “cute” as they infiltrate a church or therapy organization. This is a programmed in presentation, with great trauma.
    3. Secondary reward: some systems have been heavily rewarded by abusers for “staying young” and childlike, especially if the main abuser was a pedophile. The survivor may have starved themselves as a child/teen in order to prevent the appearance of breasts and delay the onset of menses, and to keep their childlike physical appearance. This is often a system highly dependent upon others, and they may look to therapists and supporters to “caretake” them as an adult.


  • Constant crises with no resolution (burn out the support): This is difficult programming to endure for the survivor, because the survivor has no idea that this is happening. All they know is that they are in deep distress, and want to pick up the phone and call the only person that can help them (the therapist or support person). There will be crises during the healing journey; but a life of constantly cycling into crisis week after week could be an indication that something is wrong. This type of programming is designed to “burn out” the supporter, who becomes exhausted helping someone who never seems to heal.


  • Denial: Every survivor will have some form of denial programming, and parts inside will hold this job. Denial parts are among the most cult loyal, and deeply fear the torture or death of loved ones (including trainers) in the cult. Denial parts will often verbalize the following:
    1. It wasn’t that bad
    2. I’m exaggerating things
    3. I’m making this up; I have a creative, sick imagination
    4. I’m not dissociative
    5. I’m just seeking attention
    6. This is all for secondary gain; I’ve been playing with your head
    7. I’m a liar


This part will have been heavily programmed since the survivor was in the womb to say these things – and believe them. They are part of the primary amnesia triad for presentations (denial, doubt and despair) that keep the survivor from truly believing their own memories.


Healing of denial means finding why these parts (often represented in numerous systems, including next to the core) are so invested in doing their job, i.e. who they are protecting, and why. They will be heavily bonded to a primary bond, and thus will be unwilling (or unable, due to amnesia agreements) to disclose who they are protecting until safety and trust are established with the therapist, and with the true God.


  • “I don’t know”: It is normal for an individual to not know what is going on inside at times, or to be unable to answer questions they or a therapist asks parts from time to time. But there may also be parts created who literally “know nothing” who are brought forward in response to asking any information that might be helpful to healing, or breaking programming. These parts normally will have no history, and be unaware of anything at all. Controllers may bring them out in order to prevent healing work during a therapy session; or to prevent journaling and finding answers.


These parts will have been created with trauma, and will have made agreements to not know anything, and to forget any important information. They may be formed during childhood during anti-interrogation training, since these parts are not lying: they literally do not know anything, and so cannot reveal high-security information.


Healing will involve working through the traumas with a trustworthy individual, and helping these parts realize that the system is not being threatened, and there is no longer any punishment for sharing information inside. This can take time, and these parts will usually gradually stop doing their jobs quite as energetically once they realize that the individual is safe, and that the sharing of information inside promotes safety.