Growing Up International Part Four: Ages Six to Twelve

I am writing these autobiographical articles to help others understand how some international occultic societies program their members. The information in the articles is specific to the group I was raised in, but many of the methods described are used by other groups.

Trigger Warning: this article contains graphic descriptions of trauma and programming setups

At age six, the members of the top class (‘top’ is decided by the trainers according to the child’s performance in the previous 5 years) within the Jesuits enter the Vatican school. Classes have both boys and girls – trainers assign children to classes not according to gender but by performance.  Other schools for training Jesuit children exist besides the Vatican one, and in all schools, the training will continue until graduation at age 12 -13 (when the individual becomes a full Father in a special ceremony). Military training continues until late teens, with yearly “boot camps” the members of the Jesuit army attend.  Over time, the number of students diminishes (due to deaths during military exercises, or during programming) and by the time the children are 12, fewer children remain than began classes at age 6.

The Vatican School

The Jesuits like to tell their children they are receiving the “best education in the world”. In some respects, it could be called “well rounded”, but it has terrible aspects as well.  A typical day would be as follows:

  • Wake up at 5 am. The school is divided by age into classes of 12 each, separated by age: the six-year-olds are in one class, the seven-year-olds in another, etc. Each class sleeps in rows of beds in the same room, with the class leader taking the position by the door (to answer if anyone comes, and protect the class from any possible threats). Normally, the leader’s “second” and “third” in command will sleep near him or her. I was the class leader for my class, so I slept closest to the door. The signal for waking up is a voice over speakers within the room saying “Today is an opportunity to do great things for the Order; you are blessed to have this chance”.
  • Quick cleanup at the communal bathroom (5-minute showers done together in a large area); dress quickly (easy, since the brown acolyte robes are hung up the day before; this is what the children wear until they receive a Father’s black robes at age 12 or 13, except when they are being hosted in outside families, when they wear “normal” clothes for that country). The children rush downstairs to the communal dining room, where a nutritious breakfast is served. They are allowed 8 minutes to eat (to this day, I eat extremely quickly and never understood why, until I remembered the short times allowed to eat). There may be assigned tasks before chapel that are relevant to the children’s training, such as checking supplies for the military exercises, or cleaning up the lab areas, including the areas where animals are kept, such as primates, for experiments and teaching.
  • After chores, the children go to chapel. This is a time of singing and devotion (to Satan). The children sing beautifully, sounding like a professional choir, but the lyrics are quite different from Christian hymns. The older children and teens at times create and write new songs, if they have musical talent.
  • After chapel, classes begin. The first classes are “gym” with physical training exercises, including martial arts, hand-to-hand combat, and learning to climb ropes, etc. After this, the morning classes are devoted to typical school subjects, only much more advanced since the children are genetically modified for strength and intelligence). Children have already learned to read, write, do math, think and ask questions in a logical manner and so on, before the age of 6, preparing them to begin the more advanced studies in the Vatican school. Classes consist of learning various languages, world and civilization history, politics, economics,  the history of various religions, advanced math, reading classics from every culture (in the original languages as the children get older).
  • At noon, there is a quick break and meal (15 minutes).
  • In the afternoon, there are “anatomy and physiology” classes where subjects (usually, homeless people or those purchased from refugee camps) are used to teach topics such as how to torture (including skinning alive; paralysis points, pain points, how to use knives and other instruments to inflict pain, including heated needles and rods). These classes also include demonstrations of various techniques for killing a human being, from suffocation, to poisons (the children are taught how to administer, and see the effects), to knives, and other methods. The children are given a living human being to “dissect” and learn anatomy from, since this knowledge is essential when torturing or programming others. In some of these classes, a live demonstration of the various areas of the brain is conducted, with one of the trainers using a probe to show the response to various areas being touched; and the children are taught to read brain monitors with real-time brain scans (much more advanced than the most advanced PET scans today), to read emotional and cognitive responses to stimuli. Practical “on-hands” classes in how to do programming are done in the afternoon as well.
  • There is a half hour break in mid-afternoon, when the children are free to play soccer in an outdoor courtyard, or other active games.
  • Around 5 pm is a short dinner break.
  • In the evening (and, at times, in the afternoons) are the mage and witchcraft classes. This is when the children are taught spells, rituals, how to sacrifice animals and humans (using techniques taught in the afternoon classes), and how to read and write the ancient magical manuscripts.
  • There is a short evening chapel afterwards, with a short talk about current world events and announcements of special events.
  • Bedtime comes at around 9 pm; although the children may be woken during the night during special holidays or seasons to participate in the associated rituals and/or festivities.

The above is a generic schedule. School runs year round, in 4-6 week intervals, with a short“ summer break” although training still continues. There is a short military camp at the end of each interval, and a special longer military camp. The children are also rotated through their host families, making coordinating scheduling quite complex (there are individuals who do this scheduling of children and host families to ensure that they are together at the same time). A typical child may spend a week in the UK with a host family, then complete 5 weeks of school; then, a brief military camp. After this, the child might be hosted in Germany for a week or two with their German family (mother, father, brothers, sisters), then return to the school for 4 weeks and military camp. After this, the child may spend 1 week in Russia, and 1 week in the US, then 1 week in Israel, then returns to Rome for more schooling.

While the child loves the host families in each presentation, they never fully bond to them; they know their real home is in Rome – with their brothers and sisters in their class, and with the Fathers they love.

The school years are very busy and full.  There is very little time for “recreation” or free time, other than the daily break in the middle of the afternoon.  In addition to the above schedule, the child will undergo regular programming, and will also be learning to program others (a training class which teaches the children how to install and reinforce programming is part of the core curriculum).  Under the supervision of the older trainers, the children are mentored until by age 12 they are full trainers, able to do all that the adults do in this area. Some children with specialized skills are given special mentorship, and become head trainers when they are older.

Leadership skills are honed. A class leader is chosen for their ability to inspire the love and loyalty of the other class members, their own strength and skills, and the ability to make decisions for the good of the entire class and think quickly. Each child in the class is ranked according to ability, and the leader will have a “second” (who takes over if the leader is ill) and a “third” who helps back them up. Learning to work together, help one another, and overcome obstacles together is an important part of the training. The children compete against one another in a friendly fashion, and the daily scores (individual and class) are posted on a digital bulletin board for comparison (test scores, athletic scores, awards, special achievements, etc.). The goal is to instill excellence, and the competition is fierce at times, but typically within bounds (cheating and sabotage is frowned upon).

As the child matures, they are mentored in going on missions (including assassinations, and intelligence gathering), and assessed for the ability to think quickly and strategically under pressure. They are also mentored spiritually, and learn increasingly complex mage and witchcraft/sorcery skills. The child is continually assessed for their areas of greatest ability and performance, and are often given advanced training in subjects or skills they excel in (such as martial arts, ancient languages, military strategy, politics, etc.)

The child learns to perform surgery, both normal surgery (for healing), and specialized surgery such as performing placental transplants (this technology has been available for years, and is now part of the prenatal programming done; the fetus is transplanted into another birth mother, and is told that the first one “did not want” the fetus; this creates a huge rejection wound and bonds the fetus even more strongly to its trainers and the demonic. The child also learns various neurosurgery skills, and may receive advanced training if they show ability.

During these years, the children go to other schools (often within a monastery) for a semester, and the children at the other schools will come and spend a semester at the Vatican school. This allows for greater cross-training, and helps the children learn how things are done at various places.

As the child becomes older, they become skilled agents in every area: gathering intelligence; following and getting rid of “targets” while staying invisible and untrackable; training others; advanced mages. By age 12 or 13, if they have survived the previous 6 years of training and missions, will have the equivalent of a medical degree, a law degree, an advanced degree in political science and languages, and are equipped to “fit in” within almost any culture and strata of society. They are advanced mages and sorcerers. The child is now ready to undergo the ceremony to become a full Father, and receive their black robes.

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God in the Labs

Trigger warning: discusses Christian faith and prenatal abuse

When Christians talk about the “enemy” and doing warfare, they are referring to Satan and demons.  What many Christians may not realize is that those involved in occultic groups do the same; but to them, the “enemy” is the Christian God, and the “warfare” is against encounters with God.

Over time, as I recovered my own memories, and broke vows and agreements made to never remember encounters with the Christian God (made by my cult parts), I started to remember things that made me realize that even in the darkest situations, God shows up.

An example: I have mentioned the prenatal labs, where the birth mothers and the fetuses are tortured, with the intent of programming the fetus in the womb to hate God. This is the time when the cult loyal parts that hate God with a vengeance are created and tortured to fuel this hate.

But what I also remembered is the fact that not infrequently, in response to the fetal cries to God (fetuses do this instinctively, especially during the first three months in the womb), an angel would appear to stop the trainers; to prevent further torture. I remember one encounter when I walked into the lab, and saw an angel bend over the abdomen of a pregnant mother, and kiss her swollen belly (and the baby within). The angel had an incredibly loving look on its face.  I stared; the angel gave me a look of great sorrow (as in “how could you do this?”) and left. I was a bit shaken, but these things happened from time to time.  I had a very hard heart towards God at this point, and chose to ignore what I had seen.

It is not at all uncommon in the first few months of a fetus’s life, for equipment “malfunctions” to occur (e.g. equipment used to cause torture suddenly stops working for no reason; it later passes all checks). These are considered normal oddities, because the programmers know and realize that the one they consider the “enemy” (the Christian God) is interfering because of the fetus’s cries of distress.

I now realize that God encounters such as these were not at all uncommon. Most trainers are taught to explain them away; to ignore them, and to harden their hearts and continue doing the work in spite of seeing  divine intervention.  The True God was giving a witness to His power and mercy in one of the darkest places of oppression possible, and I had no excuse for my choice at the time to turn away, other than my own lifetime of programming.

I now realize that the Christian God is good, He is merciful, and He answers the cries of those who cry out to Him.  He never forsakes or abandons those who ask His help. It was due in part to encounters such as the ones I described above that I began to question what I was doing, and to wonder who the real “enemy” was: the One trying to stop what I and the other programmers were doing, or the one who commanded us to hurt others (e.g., satan). I came to realize that I was on the wrong side, and chose to switch camps, and join the side characterized by love.

My prayer is that all who see heaven invade into the darkest places (and I do realize they are dark indeed), will choose to take the hand of the True God who loves His creation.

 

 

Dealing with Recanting Faith

(trigger warning: discusses Christian faith and graphic descriptions of abuse)

One of the most difficult issues I have personally dealt with in my healing journey has been remembering the times I recanted my faith. I want to share from my own experiences, in the hope that this may be helpful to others.

Not every group uses the methods I describe, and not every survivor will undergo this. But some groups do, and some survivors of occultic abuse will. The amount and degree of effort will vary. The group I was from – the Jesuits – is one of the most extreme.

When I was 14, I became a Christian – a real one – in my American presentation. My life was transformed completely. For 3 months (which is unusual, I believe God protected me) I experienced the joy, love, peace of knowing the real Jesus and His forgiveness. Because I was already in a leadership position in the order, this could not be tolerated (they were Satanists, after all), and so after this initial 3 months, I went through terrible experiences to cause me to give up my faith and recant (these experiences went on for 6 weeks, culminating in watching the deaths one by one on crosses of my Vatican class of 12, who I considered closer than any brothers or sisters in my presentations). After the sixth was tortured in front of me, I recanted. I gave up, and denied Christ to save them.

At that point, I created a split based upon the despair and utter horror, who became “Christian 2”, the new presenter. This part agreed never to pray to the real Jesus, and lived a form of Christianity without its power. To seal the programming, I was sent on several missions to infiltrate Christian ministries in Europe and Asia, and was forced to other deeds, such as cursing the Holy Spirit,  and telling an effigy of “Jesus” that I hated Him, and other things.

For years, I struggled in my faith, and wondered where all the love, joy and peace I had experienced when I first came to know Jesus went.  All I felt when I prayed was tremendous guilt, shame and fear, without knowing why. I wanted to be Christian, but found it impossible. But eventually, as I went to Church, prayed, read the Bible, against all odds, Christian 2 became a Christian. Other parts deeper in did as well. In 1995, when I left the order the first time and fled to Texas, I began working on deprogramming. For several years, I was on “sabbatical” while they tried to determine what to do to me (during this time, my American children came to live with me as well). Then, in 2003, I went through a terrible time of reprogramming, when I was forced to recant again. The cruelty of what was done cannot be described (loved ones tortured to death in front of me, etc.).  This time it lasted 3 months. At the end of this time, I was in despair, weary and could no longer hold onto my faith in God, and so I recanted again, and denied my faith (choosing Satan) to “save” the lives of those I loved.

I also at that time swore my love and loyalty to “he who has come” who was a young child, agreeing to be his servant.

Over the next few years, I struggled with intense panic, the belief that I was “doomed to hell” and loss of faith. Prayer was painful. But while they were able to program me against hearing Scripture, or prayer, and to promote a false Kristianity, they could not program out the Holy Spirit. Over the next few years, I continued to pray in spite of the pain, and in 2007 left the order.

As the memories of my own recanting several times came up, it was tremendously difficult emotionally, and caused a faith crisis. I wondered if I had “crossed the line” where God could never forgive me. I wondered if all the verses in Revelation (about taking the “mark of the beast”) applied to me. I was in despair, believing that God would never be able to forgive someone who had recanted and denied Him not just once, but several times, and who had kissed the ring of the one who will be his enemy on earth.

As I have prayed and talked these issues out with others, I have come to believe that the true God is merciful, and He sees the difference between a reaction that is created out of fatigue, trauma and being pushed beyond physical and emotional endurance, and a true freewill choice.  I am not a theologian or minister, and I freely admit that I do not have all the answers to the questions these events raise (one day, I will ask Him face to face). But I do believe that I am forgiven: that the true God has heard my heart’s cry for forgiveness for these acts.

One thing that has helped has been to read books by Christians, such as Richard Wurmbrandt (who was tortured and in jail for years for his faith). Wurmbrandt describes pastors and others who recanted their faith in jail, and later came back to their faith: this means that if a person at a later date is no longer being traumatized, they can ask and receive forgiveness.

Another story that helped me was reading a story told by the early Christian historians (I believe Eusebius), about the apostle John. Apparently, when John was in his later years, he commissioned a young Christian adolescent into the care of the church leader there. John had to leave, and did not return for several years. During this time, the young man fell away from his faith, becoming friends with local rough men. He became the leader of a gang of robbers, and even murdered men. Years later, John came back to this church, and asked the leader what had happened to the young man. Upon hearing what had happened, John risked his life by going to the den these violent young men lived at, asking for the leader by name. Upon seeing John, and hearing his words of love and forgiveness, the robber leader fell to his knees, asked forgiveness, and was restored to the church. He eventually became a church leader.

This young man wasn’t tortured beyond endurance; did not see loved ones die to make him leave the faith. Yet when he asked forgiveness, he was completely restored.

I believe that God, in His love and mercy and goodness, will do the same and more for ANYONE who asks, regardless of ANYTHING they have done (I am an example of this). I believe that the true God can and does forgive those who recant, including the terrible things they are often asked to do to “prove” their change of heart (such as killing Christians, leading pastors and church leaders sexually astray, etc.)

Basically, I believe that the true God is greater than any programming or setup that an individual can be put through. He is merciful beyond our wildest imaginings or hopes, loves us, and can restore even the most wounded. I am grateful for this love, and my hope is that sharing this will help others who may struggle with this or similar issues.

 

Dealing with Rewards Programming

While survivors often disclose and struggle with punishment and pain programs, there is another, opposite side to these programs that often are not verbalized until later in the healing process. This is rewards programming.

Using operant conditioning principles, cult programmers will almost always program in these two opposites: extreme punishment (for disobedience) and extreme rewards (for obedience). Reward can take some of the following forms:

  • Bliss programming: this can include an emotional state of extreme joy or bliss that is put in as a reward that parts feel when they “do their jobs”. It can be machined in (using technology), enhanced with euphoria-causing drugs, and demonically induced as well.
  • “Heaven” rewards: as noted in the previous article on spiritual programming, starting in the womb, infants and children are taken through re-enactments of visiting the “celestial realms” where they are greeted by “stars” (ascended beings), “angels” and others, who all describe the joys of obedience and being rewarded with ascension.
  • Pain stopping: when a punishment or reprogramming sequence is running internally, and the individual “gives in” or stops the behavior being punished, one reward is that the pain stops.
  • Fulfillment of Deepest Longings setups: in this setup, which is cruel, the individual is asked what their deepest dreams are (this starts in early childhood). Then, the programmers do enactments in the programming labs, or through VRs, in which this deepest dream is fulfilled. Parts are allowed to spend time with a loved one in the setting they most desire, such as being married to a beloved friend, being allowed to raise children together, and having their dream job. This is a reward for “good behavior” and the parts (often presenter parts) are allowed to enjoy this reward for several days or weeks a year in return for obedience. They are threatened with the death of these loved ones, and the destruction of their dreams, should they ever disobey. This is unconscious, and the individual will have no conscious awareness of the programming. Instead, they will have the unconscious belief that they can only be “truly happy” or have their deepest dreams fulfilled, if they stay in the group.
  • Food rewards: sweet snacks and treats are often rewards for very young parts, and for parts trained to believe they are animals.
  • Sexual rewards: individuals may be rewarded by being held, caressed, or given sexual favors, especially parts that equate sex with love.
  • Status and promotions: this is a strong reward for cult parts, who have endured unthinkable pain and hardship throughout the growing up years. These parts are always given some kind of promotion to provide meaning.  The higher the status, the less the abuse is the belief held by these parts (which is untrue; it only takes a different form).  The chance to gain revenge on abusers is often part of this “reward”, and those abused in childhood will at times turn on those who hurt them badly, if they gain higher status. There are often special awards and recognitions given out to children who perform well at ceremonies for this purpose, yearly or more often. In some facilities, the child’s rank and performance, as well as the team rank, are displayed on a public digital board as an incentive to compete and work harder, since the children want to have a high score – and receive the medal or award at the end of the year.
  • Money: when individuals work hard for their group, they may be given financial rewards that the presentation is completely unaware of, such as a villa in Rome or on the French coast, or presents of money placed in accounts. The groups often state they will “take care” of the individual during their old age, if they work hard for them.

These are a few of the rewards that international occultic groups offer individuals. This is the other part of the struggle to heal when an individual chooses to walk away. They must be willing to become aware of the rewards and acknowledge the pull that they have on themselves and parts, and work out ways to provide incentives that are not given by the group.

An important part of healing is learning to “self reward”: to find healthy ways to get the needs that were previously met by organizational “rewards” (also known as “bait”) met. The needs are legitimate, and the longing and pain of giving them up can be part of the conflict that makes healing more difficult.

Candy and treats can be bought, and given to inside parts as recognition that they are saying “no” to outside summons or signals to go back.  Parts can be taught about the real heaven, or alternative internal joyful imagery can be created to replace the former “celestial” reward. Parts can ask for hugs from safe people to help meet the need for physical affection.

It is important to process both the traumas that preceded the “bliss” or rewards as well; and to become aware of how the programming was installed. Parts who underwent this, and who are grieving over the loss of rewards (sex, status, power, money, dreams) will need to have their feelings acknowledged, as the individual helps them through this process.

Eventually, the individual will discover a greater reward than the groups that use mind control can ever offer: a life free from abuse, where their wants, needs and choices are honored. The reward of a life free from receiving love only at a great cost. Freedom of choice and freedom from manipulation become rewards themselves, that can help greatly in the healing journey.

 

 

The Greatest Healing Tool

In this blog post, I wanted to talk about the greatest healing intervention that a survivor can experience: love.  During my own healing journey, over the years, I have discovered that the most healing came not from what a person knew, but how much they cared.

I do believe it is good to be informed about how programming works.  It can be tremendously helpful for a survivor to feel validated as he or she remembers, that others have gone through the same. But survivors of mind control and ritual abuse have been hurt in a relationship – and healing will often come through a relationship that is non-abusive, and offers caring concern.

I have had several people support me through my own healing journey, to varying degrees. I have had therapists, who offered an hour a week (or, an occasional crisis session). While this was helpful, it wasn’t enough. I had a lifetime of attachment and bonding to people who since I was in the womb told me they loved and cared for me – and I had parts who believed this. It wasn’t until I met individuals willing to demonstrate real, nonabusive caring, that I had a new paradigm to work from: not everyone is hurtful, and not everyone wants to use me to get something.

Genuine caring does this. When I say “love” in the supportive relationship, I am not talking about romantic love, or sexual love (the survivor has already experienced plenty of this). I am talking about a relationship where the survivor is listened to, respected, and their reality validated, or at least the question of whether memories are “true” is put on the shelf until more information is processed, and parts share more.  This kind of relationship, which can come from a friend, or someone willing to walk alongside the survivor, is in my opinion the most important tool for healing, even more important than understanding programming.

The people who cared about me enabled me to break my bonds with my abusers. These individuals helped me learn new ways of relating. They listened to grouchy parts (who were quite unhappy with my choice to leave the group); loyal parts (who came out sinister, angry or silent and tried to sabotage relationships), and false Christian parts (who wanted to turn everything into a simple “praise the LORD, let’s not look at the past). They showed these parts compassion, and so I learned to show myself compassion. They believed I could heal – and helped overcome the terrible despair that would hit at times (the “maybe I was hurt too much to ever get better” type).

One of the most important tasks for a survivor who is healing is to try and build support, and caring friends.  It can take time. Sometimes, there is no one available (I have gone through those periods, too, and it’s tough); but the true God is always available; the true Jesus is there, and will hear prayers that God will provide friends.  It doesn’t take a lot of friends; most of the time, I have only had one or two in my life; but they are a true blessing, and such an important part of the journey.

I am learning to be a friend to others now.  This is the result of caring: the survivor as they heal will want to help others too. This is a process, since real caring isn’t what I know, or what my past was. It is learning to listen to others, hear what they are saying about how they feel, and being there.  My prayer is that the LORD will raise up many who will be willing to help survivors heal, and be part of the blessing of seeing someone heal.

 

 

 

What My Healing Journey Has Been Like

I thought it might be helpful to share a bit about what healing has looked like, for the past few years, as I have worked on memories. I realize that the articles I have posted (in hopes of helping therapists and those who support survivors understand more about programming done, and the issues that survivors face) sound very organized, calm and logical. This is in large part because they have been written after some of the hardest part of a very difficult journey has been completed.

In 2007, I had gone through a very difficult time in my life. I was in a very abusive marriage, and had moved back to Texas after leaving the state for a year. A former friend saw me, was concerned about how I looked, and asked me “Are you okay?” I asked her if we could talk; and shared with her my concerns about my safety and my life in my current situation. She then told me that I could come and stay with her.
I went home; packed up my clothes (my husband was working), grabbed my dog, and fled. I literally had one bag of clothes, and almost nothing else. My friend, who had another friend living with her as well, became part of a difficult and highly emotional journey for me.

Journaling, collaging and self therapy

I began journaling daily, for hours. Parts were sharing their thoughts, concerns and fears on page after page, which included drawings of internal parts with “thought balloons” like cartoons, where they shared their thoughts with me. As the parts shared what they looked like, and their terror/panic/anger and shame, a picture started taking shape; one that horrified me as I saw what had really been going on, and the history of my life.
I filled three boxes full of journals over the course of the next two years. I created numerous collages, as parts put on paper their histories. At one point, I bought a cheap set of dolls of different ages, and hand-sewed costumes that included white lab coats, dark robes and other costumes, as younger parts did “play therapy” and showed me with the dolls what had happened to them.

The emotions

Some days, I would shake with fear, as parts shared about the programming traumas they had undergone. Other days, I would cry for hours, as I recalled losses; and as parts grieved what they had done in their past. I remember feeling suicidal as retaliation programming would be set off after parts disclosed high security memories, wondering if I would make it through the day. I decided to take life one hour, or even one minute at a time, and to choose to believe I would make it.

The despair would hit, and I would want to curl up into a ball and never get up. And still the memories came, and the journals filled up. I learned to find things that brought me joy, such as listening to songs my littles like (“Nala the Chihuahua” was a top favorite, as well as the gummy bear song in French, and the theme song from “The Titanic” in German). I would color, and finger paint, and play with clay. I took walks every day (with a friend, for safety). I found out to my amazement that I could dance; some ways that were joyful and fun; other ways that saddened me. I sang and played guitar, and made up songs to encourage my parts. I gave inside parts medals of commendation for courage and bravery, as they shared their stories, and helped others in the sharing. I played with my dog and hugged her.

I learned about the families I had grown up with in other countries, and felt disoriented and dislocated, as I realized that the life history I had always believed was a cult fabrication. I then felt deep anger at myself, for having “bought the lie” and at my perpetrators for controlling my life to this degree.

I dealt with rage, taking a sledge hammer and breaking rocks (which helped my friend, who was building a rock foundation and fence on part of her property). I was depressed and felt horrendous betrayal as I remembered my children accessing me, and taking me to be hurt; and realizing that it would not be safe to have contact with them.

The Toughest Times

Some days, I wondered if I would ever heal. I wondered if anyone heals. I wanted to know somebody who HAD healed, who could tell me it was possible to do it.

I got angry at God, yelling at Him, and telling Him I wanted nothing to do with a God who created a world where the types of abuse I was remembering were possible. I then felt His love and concern, and patience, in spite of my pain and hurt.

It was a difficult, hard and lonely process. My friends were supportive, but they had no background to understand the types of programming I was dealing with. I remembered being put in negative sound rooms, and isolation tanks; going through tech torture using Tesla waves, harmonics and machine brain entrainment, and while they cared, they could not really relate.

I missed my loved ones in the group, terribly, and cried as I worked at breaking the bonds. I drew pictures of them. I made pictures of perpetrators, and cut them up with scissors in rage; then would remember that I had also deeply loved these same people. I battled the inside shame and grief of realizing I attached to the very people whose abuse I despised.

I found parts inside who were just like them, both the good and the bad; and struggled to see both sides of them at once. I created an internal healing team of the healthiest parts inside whose job was to hold, love and nurture the young parts who felt scared about all we were remembering; and to help them through the anguish of missing the people they were bonded to.

I didn’t know anyone else who had gone through this, because I didn’t have any contact with any other survivors during this time. But I did have one thing I am very thankful for: when I asked my friend if I could ever heal, ever make it, during the worst times, this friend said “Yes”. When I said “I don’t know anyone else who has been through this type of stuff who has completely healed” my friend said “then you be the first. Show your kids and the people you miss that people really do get out – and stay out.”

I divorced my husband. I made new friends (and was very selective about who they were). I literally started my whole life over, at a time when most people my age were watching their children graduate from college.

It has been a difficult and emotional journey over the years. But it is so worth it. I now know my life history; the gaps are filled in. I remember my loved ones, with a mixture of joy for the love I knew, and sadness over the abuse we all endured, and perpetrated. I enjoy living a life now where people are no longer hurt; where “performance” is not the measure of a person’s worth. I am learning to forgive myself for the things I did that were wrong; and to forgive others who taught me to do those things.

This blog is in a sense part of my restitution, just as my earlier articles were. If sharing my journey is helpful to even one other in their journey, it will be well worth it.

Working with internal pantheons

Note: this article describes how one group programs internal systems and is not meant to comprehensively describe programming in all groups; survivors from other groups may have internal leadership structures that very from this.

In the occultic group I was raised in, leadership in various systems was ranked in various ways. One ruling group in each presentation was a pantheon, or “council of the gods” that oversaw various functions and roles within the system.

For the white, or presentation systems, this pantheon was a Greek pantheon, with numerous gods from Greek mythology represented; in the black, or cult presentation, a Roman pantheon oversaw executive functions. For instance, in this system:

  • Jupiter(Zeus) oversaw the meting out of punishment and rewards and oversaw overall system integrity
  • Hera oversaw witchcraft
  • Poseidon oversaw amnesia (with a spear that would spear fetal and infant parts if the amnesia broke)
  • Aphrodite (Venus) oversaw sexual programs
  • Minerva oversaw internal “justice” and gave counsel to parts and system controllers on how to best act within situations to avoid punishment
  • Nemesis oversaw vengeance and psychic killing, with the help of Thantos and Phobos (terror programs)
  • Chaos brought internal confusion to prevent the degradation of programs, and external confusion to help promote agendas during missions
  • Morpheus oversaw dream programs (installed in delta state), including those sequences used for reprogramming at night
  • Hypnos oversaw suggestibility and believing everything the cult programmers told parts
  • Prometheus (Vulcan) oversaw punishment protocols that linked back to the core
  • Saturn oversaw reprogramming systems
  • Pan oversaw keeping the internal children happy and engaged in Neverland, to prevent their coming out unexpectedly or without authorization

Beneath each of these parts were various controllers who reported to them. These parts lived within internal “temples” dedicated to each, where internal daily sacrifices were conducted (on a rotating basis, starting at 2 am), to keep the spiritual power that drove the programming at a high level.

The pantheons were programmed to believe that they were a wise leadership council whose responsibility was to lead the systems into ascension, and to prevent the degradation of programming (and so, prevent resulting punishment).  These parts were internalized first prenatally, with actors talking to the birth mother and fetus, and sharing who they were. During infancy, the programming was installed further, with the programmers dressing in a costume representing the part coming to the infant’s bedside, talking kindly to the infant and sharing who they were, and what they did. They would each bond to the part that had been created (through severe trauma), and would tie a golden cord between themselves and the infant, saying “you are me, and I am you”, as they spoke the scripts accorded to the part.

Behind these pantheons is a third pantheon, consisting of the “ancients” and “those who existed before time”.  These “beings of light” were part of the core system, and were first installed prenatally by shining a bright light on the abdomen of the birth mother. The fetus then heard the words “I am a god, and have come to bring you light and enlightenment” and other scripts. This “council of light” internalized was very unemotional, was programmed to believe that it represented “universal consciousness” and would “bring the child into her destiny.”  These light beings spoke “prophecies” over the fetus, and later, over the infant, and over time, were internalized.

They sounded quite benevolent, logical and empathetic.  They were considered “guides” that the child was to listen to and receive direction from; and they consistently rewarded obedience to the Order (called the path to ascension) and punished instantly any disobedience to group directives (considered the path to descension, which would end in “utter darkness”).

Over early childhood, the programs for all three pantheons were installed more robustly, with re-enactments of Greek, Roman and ancient festivals, and with being dressed in the appropriate robes or dresses depending upon the role being played. By late childhood, I was able to play the role for other infants in the facility, and help with their programming, just as I had been programmed. When in the role, the internal part would rotate out, and I actually believed I was that god; it was no “act” but instead, allowing an external dramatization of the internal reality.

Healing of the pantheons has involved getting to know the histories of each one, including the traumas that created them, and how they were programmed. It has meant accepting each, valuing the gifts and abilities they bring to the system, and helping them to see that the old roles are no longer needed; but there are new and better options for them.  Each one has had specific conflicts and concerns about giving up their old roles, and healing has meant allowing them to journal, create art, and verbally process their feelings and memories.  It can take time to choose to give up or change an important job or role inside, and it is important to offer safe alternatives.

It has meant trying to accept without judgment or criticism what the parts have shared, especially when it conflicts with what the presentation system believes.  With time and healing, these parts have added great stability to help to the whole.

Healing has involved healing the infants that these parts came from.  Often, high controllers such as these will have a small infant attached to or near them (who during reprogramming, are retraumatized with the original traumas by VR to keep the programming intact).  Developing trust with these parts, helping these infants come into present reality, and finding internal safe parts willing to help hold and nurture these infants, has helped to promote intra-system cooperation and mutual caring.