The Role of the Genetic Parents in Programming

In other articles, I have briefly discussed the role of the birth mother in programming, if prenatal programming is done by a group. But there are two other individuals who are also important to programming: the genetic father, and the genetic mother.

While often the genetic mother (who is a cult member) does not carry the child during pregnancy (this role is given to a “carrier” or “birth mother”), she will be an important part of both the prenatal and post-natal programming. During pregnancy, due to the generational inherited sin in their DNA, the genetic mother and father will be part of important programming sequences designed to foster both the acceptance and love (reward) and rejection and punishment that are foundational to programming. The unborn child and the newborn baby recognizes spiritually their genetic parents.

Once the child is born, the genetic parents are often present at the initial rituals done to “welcome” the infant into the world with a sacrifice. They may state how glad they are to finally see the infant; but they also make clear the spiritual and performance expectations for the infant from its first breath. The genetic father may place a demand upon the newborn to receive a demonic spirit, in return for life. Both genetic parents, as well as the primary trainers (the parents may also be trainers) will blame the infant for the death of the birth mother, causing confusion: the infant knows that the adults at the birth did the real murder, and the infant then comes to realize that the adults he or she depend upon for survival are not only dangerous, they are liars. In order to survive this unbearable reality, the newborn will often dissociate.

The genetic parents teach the infant a terrible reality: that survival requires pretending, listening to lies from the adults around the infant, and pretending to believe them. Part of the infant always knows the truth: that the things they are told to believe are not true. But the infant’s survival depends upon pleasing its parents and trainers, and so the infant will dissociate, and create parts designed to make the lies believable.

For example, in a typical setup during infancy, an infant will be told that one of the other infants is “bad” and “deserves to die”. The infants in the room are all aware of the real truth: this other baby was just being a normal baby, it did nothing worthy of death. Infants are incapable of adult thought and predetermined action, as imputed to the supposedly “evil” baby. But in order to survive, the infants all agree to believe this lie, and watch wide-eyed as one of the other infants is put to death in front of the others. The message to believed is given during this trauma: “bad” (disobedient) babies die, and “good” (obedient babies” live. This message is incorporated into traumatized parts.

When the genetic mother or father tell their child that he or she is loved, or good, or accepted, the child responds in a unique way. Biologically, the infant is wired to respond to these individuals, and spiritually, their spirit understands that these are the individuals whose DNA conceived them.  Messages of love and acceptance have even greater importance than from others, especially if the infant is allowed to interact with them to any great degree.

The genetic parents will most often be the individuals who give the child over to Satan or another spiritual entity that the cult group worships.  This follows a spiritual principle, in which the genetic parents have the greatest spiritual authority over the child, and their doing so gives the ceremony a greater spiritual impact, keeping the generational iniquity for the bloodline continuing.

It is often the genetic mother or father who first chains a child to an idol, or leaves the child alone in a room where a demonic entity is expected to enter, and “teach” the child. This spiritual giving the child up to the demonic becomes an important area to address, when becoming free of this type of control.

Becoming free of generational occultic abuse will include looking at the role that the genetic parents held, and breaking all soul ties, sexual ties, ritual ties, and others. It will involve breaking the curses, vows, covenants and agreements made by and with the genetic parents.  Finally, at some point, the survivor will need to be willing to forgive their genetic parents for the abuse, manipulation of attachment needs, and dysfunctional role modeling that occurred.  This forgiveness cannot be rushed, though, as the survivor needs time to examine both the love, and the hate, that they felt for these individuals. The need to dissociate between loving and hating the genetic parents (and other cult caretakers) in order to survive, is one of the foundations of early dissociation, and healing this will take time.

Spiritual Controllers

Note: this is based upon a short book I wrote a few years ago.

Master controllers for a Jesuit spiritual system will reflect the primary spiritual relationships in the child’s life.  Here, several are discussed.

Althea (the Tree of Life)

These will include the “unholy trinity” of the Father (Satan), the Son (the antichrist and the beast) and the Spirit (Althea, the tree of life).  The Fathers worship all three. In fact, the Arbor de Vitae monastery just north of Rome (the primary Jesuit monastery) is believed to be the dwelling place of Althea, the tree of life. This wicked creature lives in the basement of the monastery, and the young children (and adults) will often hear her moaning at night to be fed. And they do feed her, at regular intervals, with sacrifices of every human variety.

The Jesuit children are taught from infancy to participate in these rituals; as infants, the Fathers place their hands over a baby’s, and teach them to make the sacrifice. As the child gets older, they must take a more active role, or suffer severe punishment by Althea (which appears at times like a huge willow whose branches “whip” the child terribly).

No child ever wants to be called down for a spiritual whipping of this manner, and so they quickly learn how to feed the tree very efficiently. After a ritual, the tree will be quiet for days or weeks, but will always begin moaning again to be fed. The child grows up knowing that in order for there to be peace, they must give this entity what it asks for. The child will have been dedicated to Althea, will have a representation of her in their system, and must dismantle it, kick out the spiritual entity, and heal the human part.

Helping the Survivor

When the tree of life is pulled out (only after trauma processing, support, and the system is ready to do so!) the three roots (white, black and silver gray) must also be rooted out, since these represent early infant demonic traumas used in installing the roots of the tree of life and the q’ballah internally. This takes extensive prayer, seeking the Lord, and asking the Holy Spirit to help the survivor overcome the fear of uprooting these demonic strongholds.

The tree of life will often have grown to a large tree with 1,000 points of life, each representing a life taken (including those of infants), and the demonic that entered as a result, during the installation of the tree. These lives must be grieved for; the murders repented of, and forgiveness received, to break the hold of the tree of life on the survivor’s mind.

Some survivors will also have a mirror images of the tree of life, or a “tree of death” internally, that again is based upon the ritual murder of young infants, with the roots attached to the heart of the survivor (they are wrapped around the heart, and the survivor may believe that they will die if the tree is taken out).

The survivor will need to realize that the Lord is able to undo even this type of programming; can overcome the fear of uprooting the demonic. It can help the survivor if they are reminded that the fear they feel is the fear that the demonic feels at losing its “home” inside, and that they will actually feel more peace once the tree is rooted out. They can pray and ask the Lord to uproot it for them; this may be seen visually inside as Jesus reaching in and pulling it out, or as an increased peace as the rituals are repented of, and the person exercises authority.

The relief may be dramatic, or occur over several weeks. But the survivor will have more internal peace and healing once they choose to get rid of this voracious entity, and allow the Holy Spirit to fill them instead.

The Beast

The Beast has a room and a lair in the Vatican dedicated to him. This room supposedly dates from early Roman times, when sacrifices were conducted in the original cave located there that the Vatican was built over. This angry and vindictive spirit makes its presence known, and is eagerly sought out by the Fathers, since they believe he gives great power over enemies. The young child will be placed during the second year of life in a dark, cave-like lair underneath the altar in the Beast’s room. They will spend 24 hours in this lair, where the Beast visits with the child, makes suggestions, and eventually has the child give in to its requests (to kill another child put in with them).

This is extremely traumatizing to the young child, who feels intense guilt. The child will have internalized the Beast (see the above discussion on programming methods used). This internal Beast only knows and understands killing and destroying, and spiritual warfare and deliverance must be done to free the human part trapped by the spiritual part. The Beast also gives energy to the punishment systems described previously, and will demand absolute obedience to it and the Pantheon, until the individual learns their authority in Yeshua, and is able to break free.

Satan

Many times, it can take years of dedicated work to go beneath the tree and beast layers, and reach the true system controller: Satan.  From pre-birth and birth dedication, this is the being the Jesuits truly serve, in both his incarnations: as satan (cruel, vicious, demanding, destructive and lying) and Theo (kind, benevolent, manipulative, charming). The child will have been bonded to both, as described previously.

Satan’s Throne

During the toddler years, at times the child will be physically placed on satan’s throne. When supplicants crawl up the hall on ground glass, or nails, or hot rocks, satan will be sitting on the throne next to the child. He will ask the child what kind of judgment should be made; or what price should be paid for a request, and the child will answer. If satan is pleased with the answer, he and the child will simultaneously make the pronouncement. If the child is too kind-hearted, they will be punished severely until they learn the types of judgment that are acceptable.

This internalizes the satan identity for the core master controller, since the adults treat the child on satan’s throne as if he/she were satan himself, in every way. The child is actually temporarily possessed, in that part, by satan during the ceremonies and judgments. The evil behavior convinces the survivor that he/she is evil and anchors the belief in the part that they are actually satan.

Helping the survivor

 In later years, the adult will have to overcome very difficult memories of the lives taken or asked for when in that role, and the cruel decisions made. They will need to repent of these deeds, and ask the Lord for forgiveness (which He offers freely). It can help to remind the survivor that the Lord knew all about their past, even when they didn’t; that He is not surprised or repulsed by them or their past. When they came to Jesus, He knew all about each act they committed, and forgave them.

They will also need emotional support to process the pain of these memories, and to be treated as loveable, in spite of the horrific acts that they committed. This is a challenge, since many Christians want to “turn away” from those with a past such as this. But the survivor is looking to their therapist or support person to demonstrate the love of Christ to systems that may have no idea of what true Christianity is.

Once they “get it” and realize they are forgiven, these parts will quickly give up their old jobs and choose freedom, if they believe they have the physical safety to support healing.

The overarching purpose of ritual abuse and mind control: remaking man in Satan’s image

The staff at CARE will be publishing a new training manual for helping survivors of ritual abuse and mind control. The information in it is excellent, and below is a short excerpt from one of the chapters in the book (used with permission). Trigger warning: describes ritual abuse, mind control, cult control.

When encountering ritual abuse and mind control, people often ask, “Why? What’s the point of this? Why are they even doing this?” While different cults can state their ‘reasons’ for the abuse and other activities they engage in, such as  “To establish the new world order where mankind will finally enjoy peace”, “To free mankind from the limitations God placed on them”, “To shepherd mankind”, “To be the secret, wise leaders behind the current world leaders”, “To bring the return of the Nephilim,” “To make the children strong and fit to lead”, “To protect our nation”, “To worship and serve Satan who wants the advancement of mankind, unlike God who wants to limit mankind”, “To understand and go beyond the limits of the human mind”, “To gain power”, “To make money” and so on, I believe that to truly understand the why of ritual abuse and mind control, we have to examine the spiritual matters behind the discourses and practices of the cults. That is to say, we have to understand the intent and purpose of Satan and the other spiritual beings who continually seek to destroy mankind.

Ephesians 6:12 states: For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

The enemy is Satan, not the members of the cult, no matter how abusive, depraved or committed to a satanic or Luciferian agenda they may be. It is critical to keep this truth in mind. While we acknowledge that they are involved in grievous sin, acknowledge with both anger and grief the harm done to their victims, and support survivors in taking any necessary steps to find safety, we cannot have the attitude that cult members are our or the survivor’s enemy (even if you hear they are doing witchcraft against your church, leaving dead animals on your doorstep or other very disturbing things). In hearing the horrific, inhumane activities of the cult, one must not lose sight of the fact that enemy is not the human abusers (who have indeed sinned greatly and must repent of their sin against God and people), but the spiritual forces of evil.

God loves each member of the cult and longs for their repentance. He wants the church to love and help the worst occult abuser. He longs that they would receive His mercy rather than judgment, and that they find healing for the childhood wounds and strongholds that have them repeating the sins of their fathers. In fact, in examining the underlying reasons that any cult member continues in their activities, these reasons are usually rooted in unresolved early childhood terrors of pain, abandonment and death (See Section 2). No matter how high-ranking within their respective cult a person may be, at the most fundamental level there is a frightened, abused inner child; under all the high-sounding philosophy and propaganda of political and/or occult power and ascension, the person’s goal is survival.

Satan, on the other hand, the one described clearly in the Bible as our enemy who longs to devour, is committed to the destruction of mankind to spite both man and God. His ultimate purpose in ritual abuse and mind control can be summed up as follows: to ‘remake’ man and women in his image in order to completely control, use, then destroy them, and in doing so, wound God’s heart. Cults who worship and obey him, who execute the strategies he gives them for administering the cult and whatever affairs they are involved in, who listen to him for ideas on how to torture and ‘train’ their children, who act according to his lies that they will one day rule the earth with him and his son, who believe the lies that it is a good idea to have Nephilim walk the earth again, who believe the lies that they have occult ‘power’, and the lies that they have the right to ‘rule’ in a town, city, country, region or the world in this present day, are frankly very deceived.

The rest of this chapter discusses the attempts of Satan and the other spiritual forces of evil to remake mankind into Satan’s and other demonic images on the individual and collective level through ritual abuse and mind control.

1. Remaking of man and women on the individual level

Through trauma, conditioning and covenants from a person’s earliest years, Satan attempts to ‘remake’ a human being (who was designed in God’s image with a heart and conscience), into his own image: a person who thinks, feels, and acts like Satan would in every circumstance (See Sections 2, 3 and 4 for descriptions of this process). To be like Satan, a person will have to be able to lie without caring, steal without conscience, kill with no compunction and destroy for the sake of destruction. In hearing survivor accounts of cult activities, it would appear that ritual abuse and mind control are very capable of producing people who are disconnected from their own humanity and are willing to do anything Satanic, and even appear to enjoy it.  For instance, survivors have shared stories of being impregnated by their own fathers year after year, then being forced to kill and consume the infant upon birth as a sacrifice to Satan, and as they grew older, forcing their own children into similar activities. Survivors have shared other stories of torture, occult activity and murder, both as victims and as perpetrators, that go beyond the goriest horror movie, comic or novel.

A person who thinks, feels and acts like Satan will also hate God and be full of pride, wanting to be ‘like God’ and set his/her throne above God’s throne, whether literally or figuratively. Satan teaches cult children to hate and blame God for their abuse and any pain in the world, and to see God as being ultimately the one who causes mankind pain or as the one ‘holding mankind back’. He also teaches children in the cult (through their programmers) to believe that they can be like God, or ‘ascend’ through the various spiritual practices of the cult, in particular, through worship and obedience to him. Satan also teaches them to hate Christians, and to viciously turn on and persecute any cult member who truly chooses Christianity and to leave the cult, and to attack, discredit and discourage Christians who are helping cult survivors. Survivors have shared about acts of gratuitous blasphemy, as well as missions and assignments to damage Christian churches and organizations. This hate is also directed at any secular organization or individuals endeavoring to help survivors heal or that oppose the agendas of the groups in any way.

Satan is duplicitous, masquerading as an angel of light while being a bringer of darkness with the intent to destroy. Cult members are duplicitous, being satanic, Luciferian or ‘dark’ in one side of their minds, and being ‘Christian’ , ‘normal’ or ‘light’ in the other side of their minds. In one side, a cult member can act like a wolf to destroy others, and on the other side, be the gentlest man in the neighborhood who brings soup to the shut-in elderly. A cult member may ‘infiltrate’ a church masquerading as a gifted intercessor who loves the scriptures and just wants to serve the leadership, but secretly sow discord, jealously and suspicion among the fulltime and lay leadership over a period of years. A cult parent may chide the teacher at his child’s elementary school for unfairly accusing his child of disrespect and insist his child be moved to another class, but hand this same child over for sexual abuse during cult events. A cult teenager may attend the youth group at church to ‘learn more about God’, but have parts who have the assignment to befriend and lead the senior pastor’s children into sexual sin.

In his dealings with men, Satan ‘hijacks’ what God offers mankind – adoption into a ruling family with full sonship where they are loved, secure and have purpose. This is not because Satan admires God – but because Satan knows that these are the very things that the human heart was created to need and want! Therefore Satan imitates these very things to deceive and entice men: Satan offers ‘sonship’ to members of cults who practice ritual abuse and mind control. He leads them to believe that they know his will, a will that he deludes them into believing includes peace and prosperity, a good hope and a future for them. In imitation of how Jesus is seated at God’s right hand, Satan promises cult members that they will rule with him. As Jesus was loyal as a son to His Father’s house and lived to do His Father’s will, Satan expects cult members to be completely ‘loyal’ and live to do what he tells them to do. As the Bible describes one of our signs of sonship is God’s discipline of us and that Jesus himself was made perfect through suffering, so Satan leads cult members to believe that the pain and suffering they endure growing up in the cult is loving ‘discipline’ and ‘training’ to ‘make them strong’, and that any torture for disobedience or failure is ‘correction’ and ‘love’. Alongside this propaganda, survivors have shared being told to call Satan or other designated spirits ‘father’ or even ‘papa’ or ‘daddy’ in certain rituals or contexts, and Satan and other spirits calls them ‘my son’ or ‘my daughter’ in return. 

In short, a fully trained and successfully programmed cult member is like Satan: he or she is duplicitous, capable of acts of harm against others without any compassion or hearing from their consciences, hating and wanting to elevate himself or herself above God, is committed to fulfilling Satan’s will on earth and sees himself or herself as being ‘like Satan’ with all the rights and responsibilities; e.g., a son of Satan. This is the person that Satan is able to control, and what Satan knows will deeply grieve God’s heart. His purpose in ritual abuse and mind control is to ‘create’ this person: someone that he can use in any way he pleases with no resistance at all. This is the person Satan hopes has a mind so divided, conscience so seared and is so filled guilt, shame, bitterness, rebellion, grief, fear, pride, abandonment and hate that he or she would never humble themselves to return to God, or allow Him to extend mercy to them. In this way, Satan and other forces of evil hope that he would never lose his control over them, and that these men and women would be judged in the last days.

However, man and women were not made in Satan’s image:

Genesis 1:26 Then God said, “Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness, so that they may rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky, over the livestock and all the wild animals, and all over all the creatures that move along the ground.” So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.

We were made in God’s image. Even with our inclination to sin after Adam and Eve’s original disobedience[1], we still have a conscience (e.g.: Jonah 1:13-14; Romans 2: 14-15) with standards of right and wrong that reflect His image in us. God is loving and compassionate. No one has to tell or teach a little child to have compassion on someone who is being tortured; the little child will be horrified and try to stop the torture, unless they are too terrified or are tied up or caged. The youngest child will choke or gag on blood when it is offered straight, and knows instinctively that murder is wrong the moment he or she views one. These truths stand true, even in the occult bloodlines with unsurpassed generational sin: children have compassion when someone is being tortured, and are horrified by blood-drinking and murder[2]. A cult child’s participation in blood-drinking, murder and the torture of others, numbness or ‘eagerness’ towards these and other occult activities, comes only after much conditioning through extreme trauma and reward, and often, the use of drugs and technology.

God is our creator, and He created us in His image. Scripture clearly shows that this cannot be changed: for God’s gifts and His call are irrevocable (Romans 11:29). It is impossiblefor Satan to remove the image of God in man and replace it with his image, despite the hours upon hours, years and years, generation after generation in many cases, of torture, trauma and reward. What really happens, rather than Satan’s desired and purported remaking, is that he only convinces the person that it is so. It is through this conviction, rather than a genuine sonship with Satan, that the person is controlled.

As the person has been led to believe since early childhood that there is no other way to survive, the person ‘shuts off’ his or her own heart and ‘accepts’ Satan’s values and purposes as his or her own. The person is surrounded by his or her cult community and so has these satanic values and purposes constantly practiced and reinforced, in a world that largely ignores and denies the existence of ritual abuse and mind control and so offers little help or support for those who want to leave the cults and change their lives. However, when the person stops believing that there is no other way to survive than to comply with Satan’s will, and returns to God, God has absolutely no problem removing the personal and demonic distortions over that person’s true identity and restoring him or her to peace, joy and truth in all things. Again, the church must remember that the cult survivor and the perpetrators he or she describes are not the true enemy of the church or of God. Each cult member is a potential Paul of Tarsus. They must be viewed as they really are: the lost who need saving, and the prodigals who the Father longs for.


Healing in the Context of the Faith Journey

Over the years, I have come to realize  that healing for my parts and myself, is often very much related to healing in my walk with (the Christian) God. In other words, as my perception of God and His goodness is healed, and the lies I was told about who He is, or what He is like, are replaced with truth, my parts heal as a natural response.

This makes sense, since some of the deepest and most fundamental programming done early in my life was intended to damage my ability to know and love God. For instance, one of the first splits that occurred in the womb for me was based upon my frantic need to save my birth mother and myself. As she was being tortured, and begging me to “save” her from the abuse, by turning away from God and turning to Satan, I complied. I literally turned my back at that time on God , whose loving presence I was aware of, due to my anger at the abuse, which the trainers blamed on God, saying “If God cares for you, why is He allowing you and your mother to be hurt like this?”  These individuals conveniently forgot to give Satan any blame, other than blaming God for his creation.

Healing of this fundamental wound has meant being willing to turn back to God; to ask and receive His forgiveness for choosing to be my own savior, and spending a lifetime of making bad choices as a result.

I finally had to come to the point that I realized that I was helpless in the womb; I did NOT have the ability to “rescue” that the programmers (including my birth mother) told me I did. This helplessness, and realizing that there is only One who can truly help, was the one thing I did not want to ever look at, face, or feel ever again.

In His goodness, God did show His love, kindness and mercy to me time and time again. I spent a long time avoiding the real issue: can I really trust God? Not in the pat “Christianese” way, in which the correct answer is “of course”, because that’s what good Christians say, regardless of what they really feel.  Instead, I had to face all of the pain, helplessness, rage at God, and hatred of my own vulnerability to reach the point of saying “God, I need You. I am sorry I have tried to figure out how to do this for a lifetime on my own, without You; please forgive me for listening to Satan’s ideas of how to never be helpless again. “ Because Satan lied. He promised I would have power, and never be hurt like that again, or never feel pain like that again, and simply put, he lied.

Satan said I would be rescuing my birth mother and myself, by choosing him, and he lied. She ended up dying, and I ended up being controlled, for years.

I had to come to the point of realizing that every programmer, and every spirit other than the Christian one, had tricked, lied, deceived and betrayed me; and that I bought into these lies because I didn’t want to face the despair of realizing I had made the wrong choice – to turn away from God – very early in life.

What it took a lifetime to realize is that the Christian God forgave me for making this choice. He didn’t hate me, He loved me.  He understood the intense emotional and physical pressure I was under, and He truly forgives it all, from the first choice to turn away, to the latest struggle to want to rescue others I love.

Awhile back, the LORD showed me what healing looks like. I saw (the real) Jesus in a room, that was filled with shining dots of different colors, scattered like a cloud throughout the room. Gradually, the dots began coming closer to Jesus, and they also simultaneously began coming closer to each other, until directly in front of Him, they were close together and joined.

The LORD told me that this is what healing is like. As my parts and I look at the real Jesus, and draw closer to Him, we draw closer to each other (because He gives us the courage to share and communicate and really see each other’s realities, and to take the barriers between us down that the programming installed). Over time, we have been joining as we get closer to the real source of love and healing; while this has been gradual, He sees the finished person: all the aspects joined together in loving and worshipping Jesus.

Healing is a process

Was I Illuminati or Jesuit? Healing is a Process

Since I started my blog, I have received several emails asking why there appear to be several differences between the personal history related in my newer articles, and the ones I wrote several years ago (available at this site). This post will explain why.

Healing dissociation is a process. Often, memories come in ‘layers’ or ‘stages’, filling in previously missing gaps in the story, or shedding new light on an old story. In a way, it is like the process of completing a jigsaw puzzle: small portions of the puzzle are filled in initially, but the ability to view the “whole picture” only occurs as more pieces come together. It is a natural part of the process of healing from dissociation and mind control, to progressively learn more about one’s history and self, as one’s faith grows and different parts (including the host) increasingly experiences the blessings of internal cooperation and healing. In this post, I will describe two major ‘stages’ of discovering my life history: knowing that I was working for the Illuminati, and knowing that I was in the Jesuit order.

One of the most outstanding differences between my first set of svali posts (written roughly twenty years ago) and my posts from the last two years is this: I had written back then that I was a member of the Illuminati; in many of my more recent posts (2017-2019), I write that I was a member of the Jesuit order, and have described in no less detail various aspects of a childhood and adulthood in the order.

Both sets of posts describe my life history. They are not mutually exclusive experiences. I worked in the Illuminati in the US, and was also a part of the Jesuit order. When I first began my healing, my first layer of cult-related memories was of being an Illuminati programmer in the United States. I was in my American system of parts, and was mainly learning about the traumas and cult activities that I had been involved in within the US.  The process of addressing the dissociation and healing from the memories that were coming was very difficult. Having to decide what to do and how to move forward with God as I realized that I was not just ‘making it all up’ was very difficult. As difficult as it already was, I assumed (wrongly) without exploring further that the Illuminati memories already represented all of my cult-related life history. My posts from twenty years ago reflect this perspective.

While I did not realize at that point that significant portions of my personal history were still dissociated, I was aware that I had not fully healed yet. I had several responsibilities during that time (including raising my children after I received custody and working 2-3 jobs to make ends meet). During this time, I stopped writing my svali posts online for a period of time. Finally, in 2006, I  had the opportunity to spend two years fulltime on healing (I went completely offline at this time).

During this two years, I journaled intensely, often up to 8 hours a day. This was when more of my life history came forward, as parts deeper within began to share. I discovered that the work for the Illuminati in America was only part of my life, and I actually was part of the Jesuit order. I learned that I had not only been a programmer for the Illuminati, but had been one for the Jesuit order. I also discovered the cult had constructed identities and life histories, ‘presentations’, for other parts of me in other nations, with other names and families. I learned that my very name, family and life in America was also a ‘constructed identity’ by the cult and that I had been assigned to work with the Illuminati in the US for the Jesuits since I was a child. My American mother was one of my main trainers in America, I first met her as a very young child at the Jesuit training facility in Rome (She was not my only trainer, I had several others).  She, along with Dr. Timothy Brogan and others, had helped program my American system of parts to only remember life in America and to completely believe that she, my stepfather and my sister were my only family.

This new set of memories overseas was no less heartbreaking and shocking for me to uncover. Again, my sense of who I was and my history as I had understood it, was shaken. On many days, it felt like I had to process my life story all over. A couple of supportive friends who were crucial to my healing during that time, and what I had learned during the earlier phase of healing about God’s faithfulness, comfort, ability to bring truth, dealing with denial and so on truly helped me through this extremely painful phases of my journey. The fact that before 2006 – 2008 I did not remember this portion of my history does not invalidate what I wrote in my earlier articles; I just didn’t have this part of the story yet when I wrote them. Healing is a process, and memories may be held by several layers of parts. It does not invalidate the memories of one part, if they are unaware of the history of the others. The fuller picture unfolds as the person progresses in healing.

It has not been easy learning why I had not remembered my Jesuit memories earlier in my healing journey: I had deep attachments with the fathers who had raised (and programmed) me. While much of what I had with the fathers were in fact ‘trauma-bonds’ (they had traumatized then rescued me to create dependence), there was also love and affection – they had been my world, and I lived to please them since early childhood. As a very young child, I had promised them that I would never betray them. ‘Not betraying’ and remaining loyal to them meant that I could never remember the Order if I tried to heal, and that I would never address my deeper programming and break the mind control that they had installed. It had been ‘easier’ for me to address my Illuminati memories as I did not have the same depth of investment in protecting them or being loyal to them as I did the Jesuits. As a child and adult serving the Jesuits, my life in the Illuminati in the US was one of my ‘jobs’/‘assignments’, but the Jesuits were who I then felt were my ‘real’ family and home.

I started to know and process these memories as God helped me to realize to a deeper level that healing and rejecting the group’s programming to not remember was not a betrayal (that was a deception introduced when I was very young in order to control me), and that it did not mean that I did not care. Wanting my mind to be free did not mean that I was hurting the fathers. I started to learn more about my Jesuit history after growth in several areas of my life: knowing that God cared about people in the Order and wanted them to know the truth too; knowing that God loved me enough to hold me through the grief and anguish that would come as discovered my Jesuit memories; knowing that God could protect my heart, mind and body as I addressed the deeper programming and parts related to this aspect of my life history; knowing that God could help me to know truth and cut through all the confusion and pain. Basically, increased faith and understanding of God’s love and power enabled me to start remembering and processing my Jesuit memories; earlier in the journey, I did not have the capacity to do so. This stage of my healing came too as my system of parts grew utterly tired of being mind controlled to keep secrets, being only partially healed and vulnerable to the cult, and decided to ‘risk’ trusting God to heal.

My memories of having been programmed in a facility overseas, and being part of the Jesuit order with large parts of my life being in Vatican, have been consistent since 2007. I have been blessed with direct validation for some of my memories as well. I have also noted that my statistics for site visitors have often shown more visitors from Italy to my site, than any other country. There are several possible reasons for this: what I write may resonate with Italian survivors; there could be a deep desire to learn about dissociation and deprogramming within this country; or other reasons. I pray that my posts bless those who read them, including those in Italy.

I do hope that explaining the healing journey will be helpful in promoting understanding of the process a bit more.