Healing from Dissociation: Some Steps

Note: this is an excerpt from the New Training Manual for those who support survivors that will be published next year. Used with permission.

Healing from Dissociation: Some Steps in the Process

People don’t dissociate when they realize they no longer need it. The issues that cause dissociation to continue include emotional conflicts that the dissociation solves (such as how to continue to live with an abusive parent or spouse; or the desire to prevent torture or punishment of the self or loved ones by an abusive cult).

To heal, these conflicts will need to be resolved over time, as trust is built.  This normally happens within the context of a safe counseling relationship, supported by the survivor’s “community” or people who are safe and supportive that they interact with.

The goal in healing is to allow some attachment to individuals who do not hurt the survivor, while the tasks of building the skills for doing inside work and developing safe support are worked on. As the survivor builds trust and confidence, and feels safe, they will often share more of their internal reality with the counselor. This is a collaborative process: the client is encouraged to share without feeling judged or criticized.

As trust and safety are experienced, some of the deeper issues the survivor struggles with will often come forward. The survivor may fear attachment within a relationship, and may sabotage relationships that support healing (by acting hostile; withdrawing; forgetting appointments, or pushing “hot buttons” for supporters). As healing progresses, and internal parts come forward to “meet the counselor” or friends of the survivor, they may project feelings onto others that they themselves experience. Examples can be when one part of the survivor cares about and trusts the therapist, but another part comes out that is hostile, convinced the counselor is trying to “trick” them into trusting, or will eventually hurt the survivor. This is a form of re-experiencing in the present emotions and feelings that are caused by past events, and the survivor will need help in sorting out what is past, and what is present, reality in relationships.

If the client is seeking reparenting, they may discover that if they are in crisis, the counselor responds more quickly; and may develop constant “crises” in order to receive attention or support. If this occurs, the counselor can address this directly, provide compassionate feedback regarding the behavior, and develop a plan with appropriate boundaries that will meet the needs of both the survivor and the counselor.

Early Phase of Working with a Survivor

Many survivors will state that their goal is to “integrate” and “get better”; often as quickly as possible. What many counselors and survivors do not realize is that healing – and the process of integration – begins during the first session with a therapist or prayer minister and continues over time. It is a process, not a “point in time”.

Early in counseling, safety issues will always take first priority. Because many individuals with severe trauma and DID struggle with self harm issues and/or feeling suicidal, it is a good idea to ask directly: “Do you ever want to hurt yourself?” or “Do you ever feel suicidal?” during the initial history. If the individual indicates they struggle with these issues, a full suicide risk assessment should be done, and a plan to prevent acting on these impulses developed. This will include a list of who to call if they feel this way (including crisis help lines); and referral to a mental health professional if you do not have clinical training.

If the survivor has an eating disorder that has caused their weight to go dangerously low, there may need to be planning done, that includes hospitalization if the weight goes below a certain point. The survivor may need to attend alcoholics anonymous, narcotics anonymous, or in a program to help them give up addictive behaviors, if present.

The counselor should also assess whether abuse is still ongoing when an individual presents with DID. This includes asking whether their spouse ever physically beats, slaps, threatens, rapes or otherwise hurts them; or whether there are threats or physical abuse from family members if the individual is living at home. At times, the individual with DID may initially be unaware that they are currently being abused, and over time, this information will be shared as trust is built. It is important to do safety planning, and provide referrals as needed (such as to a women’s shelter, etc.), to provide physical safety for the individual.

Emotional safety is also important. The survivor may need to learn skills in setting healthy and appropriate boundaries in order to feel emotionally safe. This may range from helping someone recently divorced from an abusive spouse realize that they can arrange to have a friend with them when their spouse comes by to pick up a child in a joint custody arrangement, to helping a survivor decide how much contact, if any, they wish to have with an extremely abusive family of origin.

Beginning education about dissociation and DID, if these are present, should be done as well. Many times, individuals struggling with DID will believe that the symptoms they experience (such as hearing internal voices, losing time, or acting like completely different people) mean that they are “crazy” and they will be afraid. Helping the individual you are working with understand what causes dissociation, and that it is a treatable disorder with a good prognosis, will help relieve some of this anxiety. Take time to answer the questions and concerns that are often raised. 

Once safety is established, the survivor will need to learn some basic skills before they begin to work on trauma memories (ISSTD, 2011). These skills include:

Learning to identify the emotions they are experiencing. Many survivors have never learned to be aware of when they are feeling emotions, or how to label them. They often describe feeling “numb” or “a little funny”, but have never been able to share “I feel sad”; “I feel angry” “I feel helpless” with someone who is safe. Learning how to be in the body, and how to identify emotions, is an important skill that can be learned. Emoticon charts can be used for this purpose; or, asking the survivor to stop and try to identify what they are feeling from time to time. Over time, the survivor will use this skill to identify the emotions they felt during trauma as it is brought up into conscious awareness, for processing.

Starting to build communication inside between parts. Studies have shown that individuals with DID who do the best work with their dissociative states (Gabbard, 2014; Steele, Boon, Van der Hart, 2017;  Knipes, 2015). This is a process, with the individual first indicating when they are aware of a switch; or, they may try to depict parts using various methods such as drawing a house to represent them, and creating pictures of who lives in the house. Some survivors prefer to collage; or to use dolls to depict who is inside. Right brain activities, such as art, music or inside imagery can be used to help get to know “who is inside”. Some survivors imagine a conference table inside, and invite others to come and join them at the table, letting Jesus be in charge of the meeting.

Building communication can be encouraged through journaling exercises, with parts invited to share what they like and don’t like; or what they wish for, as well as their fears and concerns. Collages can be created on themes such as “what childhood was like”, or “my favorite things” with various inside parts encouraged to share their thoughts and feelings.

It is important that both the helper and the survivor do not “judge” these parts, regardless of the conflicts or issues they present. For example, it is not uncommon for survivors of sexual trafficking to have highly sexualized parts inside whose only reality before coming forward has been to invite sexual activity. While the individual needs to take responsibility for the actions of these parts (which are part of him or her), it is important to not apply labels such as “bad” “demon” or attempt to “get rid of the part making all the trouble”. Instead, it helps to adopt an attitude of caring curiosity, to help explore with the survivor how this part helped them cope with what was overwhelming to them. Once they realize they are not being condemned, or judged, and their concerns are listened to and addressed these parts will often quickly agree to help others inside, and can become an important part of the healing process.

Identity or Demon?

Survivors of ritual abuse will often have internal identities programmed since early childhood to believe they are “demons” (see chapter on programming for more information). This parts needs to be differentiated from actual demons (the parts will likely have a demonic attachment), and treated with compassion as a coping response to an extremely painful reality. Often, the “demons” are actually young, frightened children inside who have been given difficult jobs internally such as punishing parts who disobey, or frighting parts who talk to people outside the cult group. Attempting deliverance on alternate identity states will not work (the parts will simply not budge, laugh at the minister, or go deep inside, feeling wounded, hurt and angry, and deciding that Christians cannot help them. Helping the survivor help these parts, valuing how they helped them survive their past  instead of trying to get rid of them, will promote communication, healing and stability inside.

Over time, the survivor may begin to have parts co-present, with two or more parts presenting at the same time. This can help build further trust, as the parts learn to work together and share information. Eventually, co-consciousness will develop, with the barriers between parts blurring as increasing amounts of information are shared, and parts actually “share the same mind” as they become aware of what the other is thinking and feeling, and may even blend temporarily.

By increasing communication, and working with the counselor, the traumas and conflicts that created the dissociation will eventually resolve.  As the conflicts are resolved, instead of constant fighting between parts (as may be seen early in counseling), increased cooperation between inside parts occurs, with working together for common goals.

Helping the survivor learn skills to cope with distressing emotions is also important before approaching any trauma memories during a session. These skills can include:

  • Learning to feel “grounded” (or, present in currently reality) when panic, rage or other intense or painful emotions come forward. This can be accomplished using various techniques, such as using touch (feeling a soft blanket; holding ice for a few seconds in the hands, feeling the feet on the floor); smell (smelling a fragrance; or a sharp smell such as a lemon); sight (opening the eyes if they are closed; looking around the room and identifying two objects that are blue, or any color chosen; looking out the window and describing three things seen, etc.); hearing (listening to music; describing two sounds they can hear). The main thing is that the survivor becomes aware of the present. If they seem “tranced out”, you can softly touch them on the shoulder and speak their name (get permission beforehand to do this, and explain why you will be doing it). It is best to practice these techniques together, and then ask the individual to practice them at home during the week, especially if they feel triggered or experience emotions or flashbacks.
  • Mindfulness techniques: this is being aware of being present in the body, in the present moment. Doing this can be combined with thinking about a comforting or helpful scripture the survivor chooses, to help them stay in the current moment.
  • Deep breathing: when someone feels anxious, they often will breathe rapidly. Learning to take slow, deep breaths while being aware of the feeling of taking air in and out can help a person feel calmer. This can be combined with grounding thoughts such as “it isn’t happening now, it’s in the past” (if a flashback is occurring) or “I can make it; this feeling won’t last forever.”
  • Containment exercises: using visual imagery can help with containing emotions or memories that feel overwhelming, until they can be worked on together with a support person. This can include creating a box to place the feeling in temporarily, with the promise to open it later when someone else is present to help (this promise needs to be followed up on); or creating a room where memories and emotions can stay until they can be worked on in a safe setting.

During this early part of healing work, and throughout the healing journey, the survivor will be working on building trust with you and their support people. This includes learning how to have a healthy relationship, which is something the individual may have never experienced before. It is not uncommon for a survivor to enter into prayer ministry or counseling with behaviors learned over a lifetime to keep people away (which felt safer), and to struggle with self-sabotaging the efforts of others who care and want to help.

Learning healthy relational skills is learned by teaching (explaining what healthy boundaries are; or how to approach confrontation in a healthy way) and by modeling: the survivor will be watching you closely to see how you respond to different situations for cues on how “normal” people act, especially if they are aware that their family of origin was dysfunctional. As the survivor interacts with individuals who are not dissociative and who are safe, such as friends they develop who are not part of their past abuse, they will also have an opportunity to practice these skills. They will then begin bringing into sessions the conflicts, hopes and fears that these interactions bring up, which allows further opportunities to learn relational skills, and promote healing inside.

If the survivor is in a non-abuse marriage, and they report conflicts or the marriage is failing, you may want to refer them for marriage counseling. There are also resources available in print and online for the spouses of individuals with DID, that can help them better understand the issues. It is a good idea to have at least one or more sessions with the spouse present, when the survivor feels ready, to discuss their condition and what can be done to help support them, and to answer questions and concerns.

Part of learning relational skills will include the host/presentation learning to take responsibility as a whole for the actions of all parts. If the survivor is a parent, they will need to learn to act as an adult around their children; and learn appropriate boundaries for behaviors. This is usually accomplished over time as communication with parts is established, and negotiation with parts regarding behaviors can be done.

Dealing with Negative Self Thoughts

Most survivors of severe trauma struggle with negative messages about themselves: “I’m ugly” “I’m worthless” “I’m nothing but a whore” “Only Satan could love me, everyone else hates me” “I will never heal, I’ve been hurt too badly and there’s no hope”, etc. While healing of the issues and traumas will be how full resolution occurs, initially, the individual can practice self-compassion, or thinking positive thoughts and using images of self-compassion to help reduce the strength of these messages.

This can include “God loves me, and so does ________”, filling in the blanks with supportive people in the survivor’s life. Or, “Even if I don’t feel this way yet, I am valuable, I have skills and gifts that are unique to me” “I survived my past, and can now survive remembering it, because I have support now, I’m not alone” “Nothing is impossible with God”, etc.  It can help to develop a list of these messages that the survivor keeps taped to a bathroom or other mirror as a reminder. Imagery can include taking some time to hold oneself, giving the self an internal “hug” and saying “It’s okay, I love you” “You did the best you could under very difficult circumstances, and it was good enough” “Each day, I’m healing a bit more” or other messages meaningful to the survivor.

Primary Emotions that Drive programs

While various groups program in different ways, there are some universal principles regarding programming that most groups do utilize. This includes the use of emotions to drive programs, with the emotions held by very young parts.

These emotions can be categorized into both negative and positive emotions, and can include:

  • Guilt: this is developed within very young parts (fetal parts, for international groups) for a reason: if the person feels tremendous guilt, then they will believe that they “deserve” the abuse, or programming, and will be less likely to fight it. This guilt can be created in various ways, such as:
    • Hurting the birth mother, and having the birth mother blame the fetus (in fetal programming, the birth mother is the first “programmer” since the fetus will attune to her voice and emotional state)
    • Infant traumas that cause guilt, such as blaming the infant for the death of the birth mother; or for “killing” another baby, etc.

Because the infant will believe they have done “bad” things, they will begin to believe the script that they “deserve” to be punished, or that they are “evil”. This is the basis for self-punishment and reprogramming sequences (the reprogramming systems will often have a foundational belief that they are “keeping the evil” within at bay, or other reasons, for continuing to do their internal jobs).

  • Rage: Rage is used to drive self-punishment programs; self-sabotage; assassin programs, and others. The child is taught to “give away” the rage to these parts, who hold the rage and then deliver it to fuel the programs.
  • Terror: This emotion, which is often held by a direct core split (as the other emotions described here are, too), will include a primal terror of disobedience to either the trainers, or to a spiritual being (such as Satan). In the prenatal traumas, the fetus will be put through setups in which at first the birth mother, and eventually at some point, the fetus, is given a command which they disobey.  Once the disobedience occurs, the punishment is swift and brutal, and could include the birth mother and fetus being put to death temporarily, and then resuscitated if they vow to “never disobey”; or the fetus being taken out of the womb, exposed to bright lights, cold, and painful shocks or other traumas, and being told that they cannot go back into the womb unless they vow to never disobey; the fetus is told that the trauma outside the womb is “the terror of disobedience” in this cruel setup. Similar setups may occur during infancy or early childhood, depending upon the age the group creates the trauma, such as lowering the child into a deep well; hanging them from a bridge; or lowering them partway into a rat pit, or burying them alive,  to name a few examples.  

In order for the core to dismantle this fear of disobedience, the core and other parts will need to be able to process these early traumas that instilled this feeling of terror. This terror will often fuel retaliation programs if other parts attempt to stop running their programs (the retaliation parts will have a deep terror of the programs stopping, but may not consciously remember why, at first). These prime terrors regarding “disobedience” instilled will often create the conflicts about giving up programs seen in many survivors: while parts want the programs to stop, other parts may be terrified of what could happen if they do; or of facing these early traumas.

  • Despair: very early in life, including in the womb for groups that do prenatal programming, an initial core split that holds intense despair will be created. This split may hold despair due to:
    • Rejection by the birth mother, or another prime mother figure (e.g. being told they want the fetus to die; they want to abort the fetus, etc.)
    • Belief instilled that things will “never get better” and therefore attempting to fight the trainers is useless. This despair is carefully contained within these parts, whose job is in part to demotivate the individual from attempting to dismantle their programs, or to leave the group

When a survivor encounters core despair, it can feel overwhelming. This feeling often fuels internal suicide and omega programs, as well as “don’t bother to try healing, it will never work” programs. This is why having healthy support, and working on processing the feelings at a safe pace, are important.  It is important to balance internal work of this type with experiences that create healthier emotions and satisfaction.

  • Love: this emotion is manipulated, through the use of attachment needs in the fetus and/or infant. Often, trainers will tell the very young child “we are doing this because we love you” and other scripts designed to exact control. The fetus will be told “I love you” by the birth mother in order to enhance the bond, and increase control over the fetus (who will agree to the earliest programming in order to please the birth mother and win her love). There will often be “good babies” (who obey the birth mother and trainers) set in direct opposition to “bad babies” (who are rejected, and “deserve punishment” in these early scripts).  As the child grows, their need for love will be manipulated over and over again, to drive programs such as loyalty programs, recontact programs, and rescue programs (where the individual will attempt to “rescue” loved ones in the group who are threatened, by coming back, if they attempt to leave).

Love for God is also manipulated. The primary trainer will often play the part of “god” in the system, and will show either “love” or “anger” in order to get the infant to respond in the desired way. This includes periods of intentional bonding, during which the infant is held, nurtured, rocked, and played with, to promote loyalty to the trainer and a desire to please him or her.

  • Joy: The emotion of joy may be manipulated as well, as the “reward” side of the programs. When an individual is obeying their programming, they may be flooded with joy and a sense of well-being from these parts, which may include “celestial” or “ascended” parts that have experienced setups in the “celestial realms” in which good experiences occurred. Most punishment systems (such as “hell” systems, etc.) will be counterbalanced with reward systems that show (and feel) the “joys” of obedience. The reward systems will often be discovered much later than the punishment systems, for a reason: the systems often do not want to give up the “good” feelings held by reward systems; but want to be set free from the uncomfortable ones.
  • Peace: In a childhood filled with abuse, control and violence, the moments of peace and a sense of well-being are treasured. These feelings are often created through intentional setups that may include drugs and/or technology, as a reward to the systems for obedience. Loss of this peace is seen as a form of punishment, and is a motivator to continue running programs.

In the false Christian systems, “peace” such as this may also be used to manipulate the individual. If they are praying about a decision, the false Christian parts may cause a feeling of peace if the individual makes a decision that agrees with the cult agenda; and a sense of unease if they are disobeying it. It can take time to work through this type of program, and discern what is truly the Holy Spirit, versus what is programmed in.

These are some of the primary emotions used to drive programming in an individual. Often, parts will share first about how the programs are set up inside; it is often later in the healing journey when the emotions at the base of the programs that actually drive them, come forward. It is as important to process the feelings held by these parts, as to gain the cognitive memories, in order for full healing to occur. This is where providing a safe environment for emotional processing is critical to healing from intentional trauma.

Spiritual Controllers

Note: this is based upon a short book I wrote a few years ago.

Master controllers for a Jesuit spiritual system will reflect the primary spiritual relationships in the child’s life.  Here, several are discussed.

Althea (the Tree of Life)

These will include the “unholy trinity” of the Father (Satan), the Son (the antichrist and the beast) and the Spirit (Althea, the tree of life).  The Fathers worship all three. In fact, the Arbor de Vitae monastery just north of Rome (the primary Jesuit monastery) is believed to be the dwelling place of Althea, the tree of life. This wicked creature lives in the basement of the monastery, and the young children (and adults) will often hear her moaning at night to be fed. And they do feed her, at regular intervals, with sacrifices of every human variety.

The Jesuit children are taught from infancy to participate in these rituals; as infants, the Fathers place their hands over a baby’s, and teach them to make the sacrifice. As the child gets older, they must take a more active role, or suffer severe punishment by Althea (which appears at times like a huge willow whose branches “whip” the child terribly).

No child ever wants to be called down for a spiritual whipping of this manner, and so they quickly learn how to feed the tree very efficiently. After a ritual, the tree will be quiet for days or weeks, but will always begin moaning again to be fed. The child grows up knowing that in order for there to be peace, they must give this entity what it asks for. The child will have been dedicated to Althea, will have a representation of her in their system, and must dismantle it, kick out the spiritual entity, and heal the human part.

Helping the Survivor

When the tree of life is pulled out (only after trauma processing, support, and the system is ready to do so!) the three roots (white, black and silver gray) must also be rooted out, since these represent early infant demonic traumas used in installing the roots of the tree of life and the q’ballah internally. This takes extensive prayer, seeking the Lord, and asking the Holy Spirit to help the survivor overcome the fear of uprooting these demonic strongholds.

The tree of life will often have grown to a large tree with 1,000 points of life, each representing a life taken (including those of infants), and the demonic that entered as a result, during the installation of the tree. These lives must be grieved for; the murders repented of, and forgiveness received, to break the hold of the tree of life on the survivor’s mind.

Some survivors will also have a mirror images of the tree of life, or a “tree of death” internally, that again is based upon the ritual murder of young infants, with the roots attached to the heart of the survivor (they are wrapped around the heart, and the survivor may believe that they will die if the tree is taken out).

The survivor will need to realize that the Lord is able to undo even this type of programming; can overcome the fear of uprooting the demonic. It can help the survivor if they are reminded that the fear they feel is the fear that the demonic feels at losing its “home” inside, and that they will actually feel more peace once the tree is rooted out. They can pray and ask the Lord to uproot it for them; this may be seen visually inside as Jesus reaching in and pulling it out, or as an increased peace as the rituals are repented of, and the person exercises authority.

The relief may be dramatic, or occur over several weeks. But the survivor will have more internal peace and healing once they choose to get rid of this voracious entity, and allow the Holy Spirit to fill them instead.

The Beast

The Beast has a room and a lair in the Vatican dedicated to him. This room supposedly dates from early Roman times, when sacrifices were conducted in the original cave located there that the Vatican was built over. This angry and vindictive spirit makes its presence known, and is eagerly sought out by the Fathers, since they believe he gives great power over enemies. The young child will be placed during the second year of life in a dark, cave-like lair underneath the altar in the Beast’s room. They will spend 24 hours in this lair, where the Beast visits with the child, makes suggestions, and eventually has the child give in to its requests (to kill another child put in with them).

This is extremely traumatizing to the young child, who feels intense guilt. The child will have internalized the Beast (see the above discussion on programming methods used). This internal Beast only knows and understands killing and destroying, and spiritual warfare and deliverance must be done to free the human part trapped by the spiritual part. The Beast also gives energy to the punishment systems described previously, and will demand absolute obedience to it and the Pantheon, until the individual learns their authority in Yeshua, and is able to break free.

Satan

Many times, it can take years of dedicated work to go beneath the tree and beast layers, and reach the true system controller: Satan.  From pre-birth and birth dedication, this is the being the Jesuits truly serve, in both his incarnations: as satan (cruel, vicious, demanding, destructive and lying) and Theo (kind, benevolent, manipulative, charming). The child will have been bonded to both, as described previously.

Satan’s Throne

During the toddler years, at times the child will be physically placed on satan’s throne. When supplicants crawl up the hall on ground glass, or nails, or hot rocks, satan will be sitting on the throne next to the child. He will ask the child what kind of judgment should be made; or what price should be paid for a request, and the child will answer. If satan is pleased with the answer, he and the child will simultaneously make the pronouncement. If the child is too kind-hearted, they will be punished severely until they learn the types of judgment that are acceptable.

This internalizes the satan identity for the core master controller, since the adults treat the child on satan’s throne as if he/she were satan himself, in every way. The child is actually temporarily possessed, in that part, by satan during the ceremonies and judgments. The evil behavior convinces the survivor that he/she is evil and anchors the belief in the part that they are actually satan.

Helping the survivor

 In later years, the adult will have to overcome very difficult memories of the lives taken or asked for when in that role, and the cruel decisions made. They will need to repent of these deeds, and ask the Lord for forgiveness (which He offers freely). It can help to remind the survivor that the Lord knew all about their past, even when they didn’t; that He is not surprised or repulsed by them or their past. When they came to Jesus, He knew all about each act they committed, and forgave them.

They will also need emotional support to process the pain of these memories, and to be treated as loveable, in spite of the horrific acts that they committed. This is a challenge, since many Christians want to “turn away” from those with a past such as this. But the survivor is looking to their therapist or support person to demonstrate the love of Christ to systems that may have no idea of what true Christianity is.

Once they “get it” and realize they are forgiven, these parts will quickly give up their old jobs and choose freedom, if they believe they have the physical safety to support healing.

AddressingCommon Challenges to Healing Work

By Jo Getzinger

Note: the following material is from the upcoming New Training Manual for those who Help Survivors from CARE; used with permission

1. Demonic Control

Survivors of ritual abuse not only need to greatly increase their joy capacity in order to consciously handle their horrific stories held in the unconscious mind; they also often experience demonic control over the emotions, information and parts that contain those memories.  During ritual events, survivors are frequently forced to accept demonic spirits over parts.  Demonic spirits then dictate to those parts the amount of disclosure, if any, intensify traumatic emotions and they can flood memories and traumatic emotions if memories do begin to emerge in order to overwhelm the survivor.  Parts who have cooperated with agreements to commit sin in rituals (these parts are often coerced through threats or punishment and torture) are vulnerable to continued demonic control and punishment due to un-repented sin.  The sin gives ground to the demonic to continue to control these parts. 

Furthermore, parts are often reluctant to accept Jesus and His forgiveness because of the programming to believe He would never accept them; they could never be forgiven for the evil they participated in; and/or through cult trickery the parts are convinced that Jesus is duplicitous, evil, condemning and untrustworthy (parts have been introduced to false Jesus actors who are actually cult members dressed up like the historical Jesus and then participate in evil). Clarity regarding who Jesus really is is important for healing this wound.

Important truths for addressing demonic hindrance to memory work

– God is willing and able to forgive all sin committed by the survivor

– Vows, covenants and agreements made with the demonic, whether under duress or ‘freely given’, are NOT permanently binding and can be broken (the demonic do not truly keep their sides of the agreements anyway). They are also sin and should be repented of, renounced and revoked.

– These spirits are easily removed by the true Jesus as the survivor repents and gives Him permission to do so

2. Vows and Agreements

In cult rituals, survivors are often ordered to take vows and agreements against their healing.  Common agreements in the form of vows are “not to remember” the ritual or traumatic event.  This vow will commonly manifest in the presenter system or host system as saying, “I don’t know” to any question asked that pertains to the traumatic event.  The host is unconsciously repeating the very vow they originally agreed to take.  This becomes a continued agreement with the demonic to keep the information buried in the unconscious.  When the host utters the words “I don’t know”, she agrees to forget again and nothing is remembered.  Through the perceived experience of the host, these words anchor to nothing and she really feels like she does not know.  It is common to find parts in the system with the name and role “I don’t know”.  These are blockers to remembering and healing.  Until the host and presenter systems are ready to challenge vows like “I don’t know” and repent of agreements made with the demonic, memory work will likely be impeded. 

3. Internal Conflicts

In internal conflicts regarding memory work, there are parts who want the memory work to happen, and parts who do not. These conflicts are often invoked by concerns about the ‘cost’ or ‘consequences’ of the memory work: beliefs that memory work would lead to insanity, chaos, destruction or jailtime; beliefs that memory work would cause loved ones to be hurt by the cult; beliefs that God can’t really help with memory work so bad things will still happen, and so on.

Parts who are reluctant to trust the true Jesus have likely been taught to trust only themselves and their own self-strength and self-sufficiency and to do the cult’s bidding because it appear to be the path of least resistance.  These parts were subjected to dealing with the demonic and cult member’s torture, rewards and punishment system from the time they were young. This causes them to readily make deals with the demonic and cult members in order to survive and save love ones.  These loved ones (those who the parts are purposefully bonded to in the cult group) are also threatened by the cult and used by the cult to blackmail the survivor into vows and agreements against one’s own healing and doing evil deeds for the cult to buy time for self and others to survive.  They often believe they have no choice but to continue to cooperate by attending rituals in order to minimize punishment from demonic torture and increase rewards (perceived saving self and others from punishment while receiving other fleshly perks). 

The rituals always require a price to pay to demonstrate obedience and loyalty to the demonic and cult members.  While saving self and those they love from punishment, they are forced to participate in harm to those the cult has chosen as victims.  Frequently, those they love are also victimized but not as badly they are told as these loved ones would be treated if the parts decide to become disobedient to the cult.  The evil deeds the parts are forced to do to show their loyalty and accept vows “not to remember” in order to buy survival for themselves and loved ones becomes a demonically enforced amnesic barrier to the traumatic event.  This is coupled with the fear that the cult and the demonic will carry through with their threats that worse will happen to self or loved ones if the disobedience continues and more is remembered and reported to outsiders.  It is common for survivors to report seeing internal walls that keep the survivor from seeing what is behind the wall.  This can be a self-constructed wall patterned after a real wall where the original trauma took place.   This serves to remind the host that she cannot go past the wall or she will remember what she does not want to see.  There is often forced sacrificing in front of this wall to make a covenant not to remember anything beyond the wall or anything done in front of that wall to seal the memory in unconsciousness.

The internal conflict is the desire to remember and heal while also not wanting to remember because it is too awful to remember and something worse will happen if it is remembered.  Hopefully, the above example of this common internal conflict clarifies why these conflicts need time and work between the survivor and helper together.  THIS WORK CANNOT BE RUSHED.  If the helper gets pushy or impatient with these parts who feel as if theirs and their loved ones’ very survival is riding on discovering the truthful and correct answers to their dilemma, they will withdraw and continue to strike bargains with the demonic and cult members. 

The conflicted part’s questions must be answered to their satisfaction about the historical true and living Savior, Jesus.  There must be time given to them to test the truth of His Word by attempting to give Him some control to see if He is consistent and powerful enough to protect parts from demonic retaliation.  They must have time to begin a relationship with the true Jesus to experience His great love for them.  I have never seen the LORD introduce Himself to parts in an impatient, pushy way.  He is willing to wait patiently and will gently be a helper to them when they are ready to ask.  He is always “an ever present help in times of trouble” Psa. 46:1.  When parts are satisfied that they have their questions answered, the deceptive beliefs that were infused by the cult conquered, and the character of the true Jesus firmly understood and experienced, they will be ready to ask Him to forgive vows they made and evil deeds done.  They will be able to trust Him to protect themselves and loved ones from demonic and cult retaliation instead of continuing to bargain with terrorists for their lives. 

They will need to see from you, the helper, the modeling of LORD’s true character (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, thoughtfulness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self control).  Once they see that there are real Christians who do their best to live out the gospel, the host can learn to model the same to parts. They will be drawn to the LORD’s character and love because you and the host have been consistently demonstrating the loving-kindness of the LORD to them.  They will be more open to believing the LORD is different from the example they saw in the cult because of the example of your life and they will be open to experiencing His love directly from Him.  You and the host are often His bridge to these wounded and deceived parts who carry some of the greatest conflicts and obstacles to healing.  We will discuss more on various common internal conflicts in a later chapter.

The overarching purpose of ritual abuse and mind control: remaking man in Satan’s image

The staff at CARE will be publishing a new training manual for helping survivors of ritual abuse and mind control. The information in it is excellent, and below is a short excerpt from one of the chapters in the book (used with permission). Trigger warning: describes ritual abuse, mind control, cult control.

When encountering ritual abuse and mind control, people often ask, “Why? What’s the point of this? Why are they even doing this?” While different cults can state their ‘reasons’ for the abuse and other activities they engage in, such as  “To establish the new world order where mankind will finally enjoy peace”, “To free mankind from the limitations God placed on them”, “To shepherd mankind”, “To be the secret, wise leaders behind the current world leaders”, “To bring the return of the Nephilim,” “To make the children strong and fit to lead”, “To protect our nation”, “To worship and serve Satan who wants the advancement of mankind, unlike God who wants to limit mankind”, “To understand and go beyond the limits of the human mind”, “To gain power”, “To make money” and so on, I believe that to truly understand the why of ritual abuse and mind control, we have to examine the spiritual matters behind the discourses and practices of the cults. That is to say, we have to understand the intent and purpose of Satan and the other spiritual beings who continually seek to destroy mankind.

Ephesians 6:12 states: For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

The enemy is Satan, not the members of the cult, no matter how abusive, depraved or committed to a satanic or Luciferian agenda they may be. It is critical to keep this truth in mind. While we acknowledge that they are involved in grievous sin, acknowledge with both anger and grief the harm done to their victims, and support survivors in taking any necessary steps to find safety, we cannot have the attitude that cult members are our or the survivor’s enemy (even if you hear they are doing witchcraft against your church, leaving dead animals on your doorstep or other very disturbing things). In hearing the horrific, inhumane activities of the cult, one must not lose sight of the fact that enemy is not the human abusers (who have indeed sinned greatly and must repent of their sin against God and people), but the spiritual forces of evil.

God loves each member of the cult and longs for their repentance. He wants the church to love and help the worst occult abuser. He longs that they would receive His mercy rather than judgment, and that they find healing for the childhood wounds and strongholds that have them repeating the sins of their fathers. In fact, in examining the underlying reasons that any cult member continues in their activities, these reasons are usually rooted in unresolved early childhood terrors of pain, abandonment and death (See Section 2). No matter how high-ranking within their respective cult a person may be, at the most fundamental level there is a frightened, abused inner child; under all the high-sounding philosophy and propaganda of political and/or occult power and ascension, the person’s goal is survival.

Satan, on the other hand, the one described clearly in the Bible as our enemy who longs to devour, is committed to the destruction of mankind to spite both man and God. His ultimate purpose in ritual abuse and mind control can be summed up as follows: to ‘remake’ man and women in his image in order to completely control, use, then destroy them, and in doing so, wound God’s heart. Cults who worship and obey him, who execute the strategies he gives them for administering the cult and whatever affairs they are involved in, who listen to him for ideas on how to torture and ‘train’ their children, who act according to his lies that they will one day rule the earth with him and his son, who believe the lies that it is a good idea to have Nephilim walk the earth again, who believe the lies that they have occult ‘power’, and the lies that they have the right to ‘rule’ in a town, city, country, region or the world in this present day, are frankly very deceived.

The rest of this chapter discusses the attempts of Satan and the other spiritual forces of evil to remake mankind into Satan’s and other demonic images on the individual and collective level through ritual abuse and mind control.

1. Remaking of man and women on the individual level

Through trauma, conditioning and covenants from a person’s earliest years, Satan attempts to ‘remake’ a human being (who was designed in God’s image with a heart and conscience), into his own image: a person who thinks, feels, and acts like Satan would in every circumstance (See Sections 2, 3 and 4 for descriptions of this process). To be like Satan, a person will have to be able to lie without caring, steal without conscience, kill with no compunction and destroy for the sake of destruction. In hearing survivor accounts of cult activities, it would appear that ritual abuse and mind control are very capable of producing people who are disconnected from their own humanity and are willing to do anything Satanic, and even appear to enjoy it.  For instance, survivors have shared stories of being impregnated by their own fathers year after year, then being forced to kill and consume the infant upon birth as a sacrifice to Satan, and as they grew older, forcing their own children into similar activities. Survivors have shared other stories of torture, occult activity and murder, both as victims and as perpetrators, that go beyond the goriest horror movie, comic or novel.

A person who thinks, feels and acts like Satan will also hate God and be full of pride, wanting to be ‘like God’ and set his/her throne above God’s throne, whether literally or figuratively. Satan teaches cult children to hate and blame God for their abuse and any pain in the world, and to see God as being ultimately the one who causes mankind pain or as the one ‘holding mankind back’. He also teaches children in the cult (through their programmers) to believe that they can be like God, or ‘ascend’ through the various spiritual practices of the cult, in particular, through worship and obedience to him. Satan also teaches them to hate Christians, and to viciously turn on and persecute any cult member who truly chooses Christianity and to leave the cult, and to attack, discredit and discourage Christians who are helping cult survivors. Survivors have shared about acts of gratuitous blasphemy, as well as missions and assignments to damage Christian churches and organizations. This hate is also directed at any secular organization or individuals endeavoring to help survivors heal or that oppose the agendas of the groups in any way.

Satan is duplicitous, masquerading as an angel of light while being a bringer of darkness with the intent to destroy. Cult members are duplicitous, being satanic, Luciferian or ‘dark’ in one side of their minds, and being ‘Christian’ , ‘normal’ or ‘light’ in the other side of their minds. In one side, a cult member can act like a wolf to destroy others, and on the other side, be the gentlest man in the neighborhood who brings soup to the shut-in elderly. A cult member may ‘infiltrate’ a church masquerading as a gifted intercessor who loves the scriptures and just wants to serve the leadership, but secretly sow discord, jealously and suspicion among the fulltime and lay leadership over a period of years. A cult parent may chide the teacher at his child’s elementary school for unfairly accusing his child of disrespect and insist his child be moved to another class, but hand this same child over for sexual abuse during cult events. A cult teenager may attend the youth group at church to ‘learn more about God’, but have parts who have the assignment to befriend and lead the senior pastor’s children into sexual sin.

In his dealings with men, Satan ‘hijacks’ what God offers mankind – adoption into a ruling family with full sonship where they are loved, secure and have purpose. This is not because Satan admires God – but because Satan knows that these are the very things that the human heart was created to need and want! Therefore Satan imitates these very things to deceive and entice men: Satan offers ‘sonship’ to members of cults who practice ritual abuse and mind control. He leads them to believe that they know his will, a will that he deludes them into believing includes peace and prosperity, a good hope and a future for them. In imitation of how Jesus is seated at God’s right hand, Satan promises cult members that they will rule with him. As Jesus was loyal as a son to His Father’s house and lived to do His Father’s will, Satan expects cult members to be completely ‘loyal’ and live to do what he tells them to do. As the Bible describes one of our signs of sonship is God’s discipline of us and that Jesus himself was made perfect through suffering, so Satan leads cult members to believe that the pain and suffering they endure growing up in the cult is loving ‘discipline’ and ‘training’ to ‘make them strong’, and that any torture for disobedience or failure is ‘correction’ and ‘love’. Alongside this propaganda, survivors have shared being told to call Satan or other designated spirits ‘father’ or even ‘papa’ or ‘daddy’ in certain rituals or contexts, and Satan and other spirits calls them ‘my son’ or ‘my daughter’ in return. 

In short, a fully trained and successfully programmed cult member is like Satan: he or she is duplicitous, capable of acts of harm against others without any compassion or hearing from their consciences, hating and wanting to elevate himself or herself above God, is committed to fulfilling Satan’s will on earth and sees himself or herself as being ‘like Satan’ with all the rights and responsibilities; e.g., a son of Satan. This is the person that Satan is able to control, and what Satan knows will deeply grieve God’s heart. His purpose in ritual abuse and mind control is to ‘create’ this person: someone that he can use in any way he pleases with no resistance at all. This is the person Satan hopes has a mind so divided, conscience so seared and is so filled guilt, shame, bitterness, rebellion, grief, fear, pride, abandonment and hate that he or she would never humble themselves to return to God, or allow Him to extend mercy to them. In this way, Satan and other forces of evil hope that he would never lose his control over them, and that these men and women would be judged in the last days.

However, man and women were not made in Satan’s image:

Genesis 1:26 Then God said, “Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness, so that they may rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky, over the livestock and all the wild animals, and all over all the creatures that move along the ground.” So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.

We were made in God’s image. Even with our inclination to sin after Adam and Eve’s original disobedience[1], we still have a conscience (e.g.: Jonah 1:13-14; Romans 2: 14-15) with standards of right and wrong that reflect His image in us. God is loving and compassionate. No one has to tell or teach a little child to have compassion on someone who is being tortured; the little child will be horrified and try to stop the torture, unless they are too terrified or are tied up or caged. The youngest child will choke or gag on blood when it is offered straight, and knows instinctively that murder is wrong the moment he or she views one. These truths stand true, even in the occult bloodlines with unsurpassed generational sin: children have compassion when someone is being tortured, and are horrified by blood-drinking and murder[2]. A cult child’s participation in blood-drinking, murder and the torture of others, numbness or ‘eagerness’ towards these and other occult activities, comes only after much conditioning through extreme trauma and reward, and often, the use of drugs and technology.

God is our creator, and He created us in His image. Scripture clearly shows that this cannot be changed: for God’s gifts and His call are irrevocable (Romans 11:29). It is impossiblefor Satan to remove the image of God in man and replace it with his image, despite the hours upon hours, years and years, generation after generation in many cases, of torture, trauma and reward. What really happens, rather than Satan’s desired and purported remaking, is that he only convinces the person that it is so. It is through this conviction, rather than a genuine sonship with Satan, that the person is controlled.

As the person has been led to believe since early childhood that there is no other way to survive, the person ‘shuts off’ his or her own heart and ‘accepts’ Satan’s values and purposes as his or her own. The person is surrounded by his or her cult community and so has these satanic values and purposes constantly practiced and reinforced, in a world that largely ignores and denies the existence of ritual abuse and mind control and so offers little help or support for those who want to leave the cults and change their lives. However, when the person stops believing that there is no other way to survive than to comply with Satan’s will, and returns to God, God has absolutely no problem removing the personal and demonic distortions over that person’s true identity and restoring him or her to peace, joy and truth in all things. Again, the church must remember that the cult survivor and the perpetrators he or she describes are not the true enemy of the church or of God. Each cult member is a potential Paul of Tarsus. They must be viewed as they really are: the lost who need saving, and the prodigals who the Father longs for.


Healing in the Context of the Faith Journey

Over the years, I have come to realize  that healing for my parts and myself, is often very much related to healing in my walk with (the Christian) God. In other words, as my perception of God and His goodness is healed, and the lies I was told about who He is, or what He is like, are replaced with truth, my parts heal as a natural response.

This makes sense, since some of the deepest and most fundamental programming done early in my life was intended to damage my ability to know and love God. For instance, one of the first splits that occurred in the womb for me was based upon my frantic need to save my birth mother and myself. As she was being tortured, and begging me to “save” her from the abuse, by turning away from God and turning to Satan, I complied. I literally turned my back at that time on God , whose loving presence I was aware of, due to my anger at the abuse, which the trainers blamed on God, saying “If God cares for you, why is He allowing you and your mother to be hurt like this?”  These individuals conveniently forgot to give Satan any blame, other than blaming God for his creation.

Healing of this fundamental wound has meant being willing to turn back to God; to ask and receive His forgiveness for choosing to be my own savior, and spending a lifetime of making bad choices as a result.

I finally had to come to the point that I realized that I was helpless in the womb; I did NOT have the ability to “rescue” that the programmers (including my birth mother) told me I did. This helplessness, and realizing that there is only One who can truly help, was the one thing I did not want to ever look at, face, or feel ever again.

In His goodness, God did show His love, kindness and mercy to me time and time again. I spent a long time avoiding the real issue: can I really trust God? Not in the pat “Christianese” way, in which the correct answer is “of course”, because that’s what good Christians say, regardless of what they really feel.  Instead, I had to face all of the pain, helplessness, rage at God, and hatred of my own vulnerability to reach the point of saying “God, I need You. I am sorry I have tried to figure out how to do this for a lifetime on my own, without You; please forgive me for listening to Satan’s ideas of how to never be helpless again. “ Because Satan lied. He promised I would have power, and never be hurt like that again, or never feel pain like that again, and simply put, he lied.

Satan said I would be rescuing my birth mother and myself, by choosing him, and he lied. She ended up dying, and I ended up being controlled, for years.

I had to come to the point of realizing that every programmer, and every spirit other than the Christian one, had tricked, lied, deceived and betrayed me; and that I bought into these lies because I didn’t want to face the despair of realizing I had made the wrong choice – to turn away from God – very early in life.

What it took a lifetime to realize is that the Christian God forgave me for making this choice. He didn’t hate me, He loved me.  He understood the intense emotional and physical pressure I was under, and He truly forgives it all, from the first choice to turn away, to the latest struggle to want to rescue others I love.

Awhile back, the LORD showed me what healing looks like. I saw (the real) Jesus in a room, that was filled with shining dots of different colors, scattered like a cloud throughout the room. Gradually, the dots began coming closer to Jesus, and they also simultaneously began coming closer to each other, until directly in front of Him, they were close together and joined.

The LORD told me that this is what healing is like. As my parts and I look at the real Jesus, and draw closer to Him, we draw closer to each other (because He gives us the courage to share and communicate and really see each other’s realities, and to take the barriers between us down that the programming installed). Over time, we have been joining as we get closer to the real source of love and healing; while this has been gradual, He sees the finished person: all the aspects joined together in loving and worshipping Jesus.

Healing is a process

Was I Illuminati or Jesuit? Healing is a Process

Since I started my blog, I have received several emails asking why there appear to be several differences between the personal history related in my newer articles, and the ones I wrote several years ago (available at this site). This post will explain why.

Healing dissociation is a process. Often, memories come in ‘layers’ or ‘stages’, filling in previously missing gaps in the story, or shedding new light on an old story. In a way, it is like the process of completing a jigsaw puzzle: small portions of the puzzle are filled in initially, but the ability to view the “whole picture” only occurs as more pieces come together. It is a natural part of the process of healing from dissociation and mind control, to progressively learn more about one’s history and self, as one’s faith grows and different parts (including the host) increasingly experiences the blessings of internal cooperation and healing. In this post, I will describe two major ‘stages’ of discovering my life history: knowing that I was working for the Illuminati, and knowing that I was in the Jesuit order.

One of the most outstanding differences between my first set of svali posts (written roughly twenty years ago) and my posts from the last two years is this: I had written back then that I was a member of the Illuminati; in many of my more recent posts (2017-2019), I write that I was a member of the Jesuit order, and have described in no less detail various aspects of a childhood and adulthood in the order.

Both sets of posts describe my life history. They are not mutually exclusive experiences. I worked in the Illuminati in the US, and was also a part of the Jesuit order. When I first began my healing, my first layer of cult-related memories was of being an Illuminati programmer in the United States. I was in my American system of parts, and was mainly learning about the traumas and cult activities that I had been involved in within the US.  The process of addressing the dissociation and healing from the memories that were coming was very difficult. Having to decide what to do and how to move forward with God as I realized that I was not just ‘making it all up’ was very difficult. As difficult as it already was, I assumed (wrongly) without exploring further that the Illuminati memories already represented all of my cult-related life history. My posts from twenty years ago reflect this perspective.

While I did not realize at that point that significant portions of my personal history were still dissociated, I was aware that I had not fully healed yet. I had several responsibilities during that time (including raising my children after I received custody and working 2-3 jobs to make ends meet). During this time, I stopped writing my svali posts online for a period of time. Finally, in 2006, I  had the opportunity to spend two years fulltime on healing (I went completely offline at this time).

During this two years, I journaled intensely, often up to 8 hours a day. This was when more of my life history came forward, as parts deeper within began to share. I discovered that the work for the Illuminati in America was only part of my life, and I actually was part of the Jesuit order. I learned that I had not only been a programmer for the Illuminati, but had been one for the Jesuit order. I also discovered the cult had constructed identities and life histories, ‘presentations’, for other parts of me in other nations, with other names and families. I learned that my very name, family and life in America was also a ‘constructed identity’ by the cult and that I had been assigned to work with the Illuminati in the US for the Jesuits since I was a child. My American mother was one of my main trainers in America, I first met her as a very young child at the Jesuit training facility in Rome (She was not my only trainer, I had several others).  She, along with Dr. Timothy Brogan and others, had helped program my American system of parts to only remember life in America and to completely believe that she, my stepfather and my sister were my only family.

This new set of memories overseas was no less heartbreaking and shocking for me to uncover. Again, my sense of who I was and my history as I had understood it, was shaken. On many days, it felt like I had to process my life story all over. A couple of supportive friends who were crucial to my healing during that time, and what I had learned during the earlier phase of healing about God’s faithfulness, comfort, ability to bring truth, dealing with denial and so on truly helped me through this extremely painful phases of my journey. The fact that before 2006 – 2008 I did not remember this portion of my history does not invalidate what I wrote in my earlier articles; I just didn’t have this part of the story yet when I wrote them. Healing is a process, and memories may be held by several layers of parts. It does not invalidate the memories of one part, if they are unaware of the history of the others. The fuller picture unfolds as the person progresses in healing.

It has not been easy learning why I had not remembered my Jesuit memories earlier in my healing journey: I had deep attachments with the fathers who had raised (and programmed) me. While much of what I had with the fathers were in fact ‘trauma-bonds’ (they had traumatized then rescued me to create dependence), there was also love and affection – they had been my world, and I lived to please them since early childhood. As a very young child, I had promised them that I would never betray them. ‘Not betraying’ and remaining loyal to them meant that I could never remember the Order if I tried to heal, and that I would never address my deeper programming and break the mind control that they had installed. It had been ‘easier’ for me to address my Illuminati memories as I did not have the same depth of investment in protecting them or being loyal to them as I did the Jesuits. As a child and adult serving the Jesuits, my life in the Illuminati in the US was one of my ‘jobs’/‘assignments’, but the Jesuits were who I then felt were my ‘real’ family and home.

I started to know and process these memories as God helped me to realize to a deeper level that healing and rejecting the group’s programming to not remember was not a betrayal (that was a deception introduced when I was very young in order to control me), and that it did not mean that I did not care. Wanting my mind to be free did not mean that I was hurting the fathers. I started to learn more about my Jesuit history after growth in several areas of my life: knowing that God cared about people in the Order and wanted them to know the truth too; knowing that God loved me enough to hold me through the grief and anguish that would come as discovered my Jesuit memories; knowing that God could protect my heart, mind and body as I addressed the deeper programming and parts related to this aspect of my life history; knowing that God could help me to know truth and cut through all the confusion and pain. Basically, increased faith and understanding of God’s love and power enabled me to start remembering and processing my Jesuit memories; earlier in the journey, I did not have the capacity to do so. This stage of my healing came too as my system of parts grew utterly tired of being mind controlled to keep secrets, being only partially healed and vulnerable to the cult, and decided to ‘risk’ trusting God to heal.

My memories of having been programmed in a facility overseas, and being part of the Jesuit order with large parts of my life being in Vatican, have been consistent since 2007. I have been blessed with direct validation for some of my memories as well. I have also noted that my statistics for site visitors have often shown more visitors from Italy to my site, than any other country. There are several possible reasons for this: what I write may resonate with Italian survivors; there could be a deep desire to learn about dissociation and deprogramming within this country; or other reasons. I pray that my posts bless those who read them, including those in Italy.

I do hope that explaining the healing journey will be helpful in promoting understanding of the process a bit more.