Healing is a process

Was I Illuminati or Jesuit? Healing is a Process

Since I started my blog, I have received several emails asking why there appear to be several differences between the personal history related in my newer articles, and the ones I wrote several years ago (available at this site). This post will explain why.

Healing dissociation is a process. Often, memories come in ‘layers’ or ‘stages’, filling in previously missing gaps in the story, or shedding new light on an old story. In a way, it is like the process of completing a jigsaw puzzle: small portions of the puzzle are filled in initially, but the ability to view the “whole picture” only occurs as more pieces come together. It is a natural part of the process of healing from dissociation and mind control, to progressively learn more about one’s history and self, as one’s faith grows and different parts (including the host) increasingly experiences the blessings of internal cooperation and healing. In this post, I will describe two major ‘stages’ of discovering my life history: knowing that I was working for the Illuminati, and knowing that I was in the Jesuit order.

One of the most outstanding differences between my first set of svali posts (written roughly twenty years ago) and my posts from the last two years is this: I had written back then that I was a member of the Illuminati; in many of my more recent posts (2017-2019), I write that I was a member of the Jesuit order, and have described in no less detail various aspects of a childhood and adulthood in the order.

Both sets of posts describe my life history. They are not mutually exclusive experiences. I worked in the Illuminati in the US, and was also a part of the Jesuit order. When I first began my healing, my first layer of cult-related memories was of being an Illuminati programmer in the United States. I was in my American system of parts, and was mainly learning about the traumas and cult activities that I had been involved in within the US.  The process of addressing the dissociation and healing from the memories that were coming was very difficult. Having to decide what to do and how to move forward with God as I realized that I was not just ‘making it all up’ was very difficult. As difficult as it already was, I assumed (wrongly) without exploring further that the Illuminati memories already represented all of my cult-related life history. My posts from twenty years ago reflect this perspective.

While I did not realize at that point that significant portions of my personal history were still dissociated, I was aware that I had not fully healed yet. I had several responsibilities during that time (including raising my children after I received custody and working 2-3 jobs to make ends meet). During this time, I stopped writing my svali posts online for a period of time. Finally, in 2006, I  had the opportunity to spend two years fulltime on healing (I went completely offline at this time).

During this two years, I journaled intensely, often up to 8 hours a day. This was when more of my life history came forward, as parts deeper within began to share. I discovered that the work for the Illuminati in America was only part of my life, and I actually was part of the Jesuit order. I learned that I had not only been a programmer for the Illuminati, but had been one for the Jesuit order. I also discovered the cult had constructed identities and life histories, ‘presentations’, for other parts of me in other nations, with other names and families. I learned that my very name, family and life in America was also a ‘constructed identity’ by the cult and that I had been assigned to work with the Illuminati in the US for the Jesuits since I was a child. My American mother was one of my main trainers in America, I first met her as a very young child at the Jesuit training facility in Rome (She was not my only trainer, I had several others).  She, along with Dr. Timothy Brogan and others, had helped program my American system of parts to only remember life in America and to completely believe that she, my stepfather and my sister were my only family.

This new set of memories overseas was no less heartbreaking and shocking for me to uncover. Again, my sense of who I was and my history as I had understood it, was shaken. On many days, it felt like I had to process my life story all over. A couple of supportive friends who were crucial to my healing during that time, and what I had learned during the earlier phase of healing about God’s faithfulness, comfort, ability to bring truth, dealing with denial and so on truly helped me through this extremely painful phases of my journey. The fact that before 2006 – 2008 I did not remember this portion of my history does not invalidate what I wrote in my earlier articles; I just didn’t have this part of the story yet when I wrote them. Healing is a process, and memories may be held by several layers of parts. It does not invalidate the memories of one part, if they are unaware of the history of the others. The fuller picture unfolds as the person progresses in healing.

It has not been easy learning why I had not remembered my Jesuit memories earlier in my healing journey: I had deep attachments with the fathers who had raised (and programmed) me. While much of what I had with the fathers were in fact ‘trauma-bonds’ (they had traumatized then rescued me to create dependence), there was also love and affection – they had been my world, and I lived to please them since early childhood. As a very young child, I had promised them that I would never betray them. ‘Not betraying’ and remaining loyal to them meant that I could never remember the Order if I tried to heal, and that I would never address my deeper programming and break the mind control that they had installed. It had been ‘easier’ for me to address my Illuminati memories as I did not have the same depth of investment in protecting them or being loyal to them as I did the Jesuits. As a child and adult serving the Jesuits, my life in the Illuminati in the US was one of my ‘jobs’/‘assignments’, but the Jesuits were who I then felt were my ‘real’ family and home.

I started to know and process these memories as God helped me to realize to a deeper level that healing and rejecting the group’s programming to not remember was not a betrayal (that was a deception introduced when I was very young in order to control me), and that it did not mean that I did not care. Wanting my mind to be free did not mean that I was hurting the fathers. I started to learn more about my Jesuit history after growth in several areas of my life: knowing that God cared about people in the Order and wanted them to know the truth too; knowing that God loved me enough to hold me through the grief and anguish that would come as discovered my Jesuit memories; knowing that God could protect my heart, mind and body as I addressed the deeper programming and parts related to this aspect of my life history; knowing that God could help me to know truth and cut through all the confusion and pain. Basically, increased faith and understanding of God’s love and power enabled me to start remembering and processing my Jesuit memories; earlier in the journey, I did not have the capacity to do so. This stage of my healing came too as my system of parts grew utterly tired of being mind controlled to keep secrets, being only partially healed and vulnerable to the cult, and decided to ‘risk’ trusting God to heal.

My memories of having been programmed in a facility overseas, and being part of the Jesuit order with large parts of my life being in Vatican, have been consistent since 2007. I have been blessed with direct validation for some of my memories as well. I have also noted that my statistics for site visitors have often shown more visitors from Italy to my site, than any other country. There are several possible reasons for this: what I write may resonate with Italian survivors; there could be a deep desire to learn about dissociation and deprogramming within this country; or other reasons. I pray that my posts bless those who read them, including those in Italy.

I do hope that explaining the healing journey will be helpful in promoting understanding of the process a bit more.

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Chart for Working on Internal Programs

Recently a survivor whose work I respect shared with me a chart they developed when working on dismantling their internal programming. With this individual’s permission (they wish to remain anonymous) I am sharing this chart on my blog. It makes a nice way to organize some of the internal work that is done when taking down internal programming.

Chart for profiling programs – the  main purpose of  this chart is to track what is coming  conscious, and to make a tangible record that the person is progressing in working with parts and the important bits of his/her history that are impacting the individual today.

Normally, a person will not be able to fill this in all at once; the information often comes in bits and pieces. At times, it may be hard, especially at first, to know which “category” to file something under.

Description of program:
Instructions (do/think/feel what, in what combination)  
Reasons program was ‘accepted ’ (such as threat to self, threat to a loved one, love bond to individual asking, etc.)  
Parts involved  
Main emotions involved  
Programming scenarios

(trauma and reward aspects)

 
Reasons program is still intact (this may include beliefs regarding what will happen if the program stops working)  
Other programs that get triggered when I work on this/Other programs associated with this program  
Observations when working on this program (physical sensations, thoughts, emotional responses,

impulses, etc).

Input from God, supporters, parts:
Positive changes, truths that parts want to see with regard to the instructions, emotions, beliefs, etc. as they heal:

 

Presenter Systems/Host Systems Programming

 Note: this describes some aspects of how presentation programming is done in some groups; this will vary greatly between organizations. It is  meant as an introduction to the topic, and is not  a complete description of all methods used, or all programs installed. 

The parts of an individual that often initially present in therapy or counseling have been variously labeled by therapists as the “presentation”, the “apparently normal part or ANP” or the “host”.  These are the parts that were created (with extensive help, if mind control is involved) to cover the fact that the individual has experienced traumatic, chronic abuse throughout childhood. In this book, we will call them “presenters” or “host system”.

An individual with mind control will be unable to do their assigned jobs well if it is obvious that they are traumatized, programmed and dissociated. This is one reason that a presenter or host system will be programmed in starting in the prenatal stage of life, and will be continuously reprogrammed throughout life: the presenters hide the reality of the individual’s real life history and skills not only from others, but from themselves.  They are considered a “cover”, under which the individual can look and act like one person, and act “normal”.  They are often considered the sheep that hide the “wolf” inside by groups that program them.

One myth is that the host, or presentation, has undergone less abuse than the other systems inside, and was split off to “protect” themselves from knowing how bad things were. This may be true for an individual who has not undergone mind control, in which case, the “core” and the “host” may be one and the same. But groups that use mind control will normally bury and hide the core behind layers of programming, and the parts that come out and live day to day life when outside of a cult facility may have undergone programming that is just as extensive, or even more so, than the assassins, warlocks and other parts that do not come out when interacting with non-cult members. The host or presentation in a mind controlled individual will often be one that has experienced some of the worst abuse within the system, and as a result, has made specific agreements to never disclose the abuse, and to perform in specific ways.

One example of this is programming of the presentation to embrace false, or “white” Christianity, instead of true Christianity. To prevent the individual from accepting true Christianity, the presentations may be put through various setups in which a false “Jesus” abuses them; where false church services are done, and the people in the setup all abuse the child while using typical Christian phrases such as “praise the Lord!” “Let me pray for you”, etc.  In other setups, the false “Jesus” is very loving and kind, embraces the child, comforts the child, and makes the child promise to always follow him, and to never allow the “other” (the real) Jesus near. Because the child bonds to the false “loving” Jesus, they agree. Because this Jesus is loving and kind, the individual may believe that he is the “real” one, until work on the anti-christian and false Christian programming in the host system is done. This false Jesus is much harder to detect than the angry, punishing one, and the individual will need to pray for the true God to show the difference. The end result is a presentation entering counseling that looks and sounds Christian, but with belief in a God and Jesus who are either powerless to save and heal, or who oppose true Christianity.

The host/presentation system entering into therapy with a background of mind control will often have extensive programming to have doubt, unbelief and denial raise up if the individual begins to recover memories of their abuse or rewards by the group that programmed them. If a memory comes forward, the person may have parts programmed to doubt their validity, and to doubt whether they can ever heal, or that God can ever heal them. In another layer, denial may come forward, causing the survivor to say that  the memories aren’t true, they are unbelievable, they must be made up, etc. The survivor will also deny God’s goodness, and will recover first memories that seem to confirm that God never showed up during their abuse; they will be programmed to deny and disbelieve the times that He did answer prayer.

There will often be parts in the presentation, connected to parts in every system, that also carry unbelief: even in the face of a miraculous answer to prayer, they will persist in having difficulty in believing that God answered them, or that He loves them. These parts have made prior agreements to always doubt, deny, or disbelieve the goodness and love of God, and the agreements and the traumas that caused the agreements to be made will need to be addressed.

The host system/ presentation is often one of the most cult loyal systems, due to its extensive programming. In order to do missions successfully, these parts must be able to switch in and out as needed to provide a cover. The amnesia to cult activity that survivors often report is due to an agreement by both the presenters and the parts that actively participate in rituals (which also include the presenters) to never remember and/or disclose this activity, not only to others, but to themselves. If a memory of participating in a ritual begins to come forward, the presentation will be programmed to deny what they are remembering, to disbelieve it, and to cast doubt on it. They may be flooded with “overwhelm”, crying and saying “I can’t stand to know this”, “this could never have happened to me”, “I will lose my faith if I believe this happened” and other reactions that prevent processing and healing of the traumas.

Accessing by a group using mind control will not occur in most cases without agreements by parts that this will occur. While survivors may report “abductions” and being dragged unwillingly to rituals, this is rarely the case in groups that use mind control. Instead, the presentation/Christian host has been programmed to agree to be accessed, and to believe that they can never prevent it or say “no” when a summons or signal (such as a knock at the door) comes. The parts that have been traumatized into making these agreements will need to break the agreements, and process their traumas, and also come to realize that they really do have a choice. It can help them to realize that people really do say “no” to access, and it works; they can be safe.

The presentation/host will often have extensive programming designed to keep amnesia going, especially regarding any evidence of ongoing cult activity (this will be discussed in more detail later in the chapter).  These parts have been programmed to ensure that the amnesia between parts inside continues, and involve agreements to never remember both by the presentation parts, and the parts that hold the memories.

An important part of presentation programming involves the use of buffers. Buffers may be located within a specific brainwave state (frequently, this is epsilon). The purpose of buffers is to create a stoical, unfeeling numbness that helps to hide the extensive trauma and feeling states further in. Buffers are charged with preventing the feelings involved with trauma (including recent activity such as being reprogrammed the night before, or attending a ritual two days ago) from intruding into the conscious awareness of the presentation. They act as emotionless guards, and do their jobs literally on pain of death, of self or of loved ones. Buffers have undergone extensive trauma to reach this state of feeling nothing, described by some as “blankness” or a state of “nothingness”.

The presentations will often be seated within various brainwave states. These include:

  • alpha (color-coded red): this is a relaxed state, and often includes parts with sexual programming
  • beta (color-coded blue): this is a slightly more alert wave state, and is where military and assassin programming may be located
  • gamma (color-coded green): this is a high-energy wavestate, and may be where loyalty to cult programming and to the group is located.
  • epsilon (color-coded grey-white): this is often where pain programming and buffer systems (split from the parts that learned to hold pain) is located.
  • theta (color-coded black): This is a low-energy brainwave state, and psychic ability is often seated in this state
  • delta (color codes may vary, with silver blue common): this is the brainwave state that came first, and which the other parts of the presentation are split from. Delta system is the controller for the other presentation parts and brainwave states, and will often hold memory files (coded based upon security level, and access to them guarded by delta) as well as internal programming and punishment files for the presentations.

 

 

Mother Programming

Because occultic and mind control groups manipulate attachment needs, they will allow the infant to bond to a mother figure. This mother figure is nurturing, caring, and may be the only “real mother” love the infant and child has experienced. The goal is to create an association in the young child’s mind between love for a mother, and loyalty to the group (e.g. “loving the mother means loving the group”, etc.)

This aspect of programming is well known among governmental agencies as well. For instance, Russia’s Spetz will have the infants bond to “Mother Russia”; France will have the infant bond to “Liberte”; and the CIA will allow the infant to bond with Liberty as a maternal figure, and the current president as a father figure. These bonds will be in addition to the bonding to their primary trainer  or handler (often known as “Daddy” or “papa” or a variation).

The Jesuits have their own version. The infants raised within their order are bonded to “Mother Rome” (Materna Roma). She is often portrayed on highly confidential seals(not seen publicly) seated on a throne, with two wolves at her feet (representing Romulus and Remus, the founders of Rome). This maternal figure holds the infant, nurses it, rocks and soothes the infant, and is invariably loving and kind during early childhood. This is the only real mother figure the infant is allowed to bond to, and in fact, numerous setups are done when a female caretaker allows the infant to bond, and then breaks the bond by eventually abusing the infant. The mothers in the families the child will be hosted with will also reject the child, and not allow bonding. “Mother Rome” becomes the only mother figure in the child’s life he or she really trusts.

This mother allows the child to talk about their hopes, concerns, and fears, and does not attempt to overtly control or program the child, as the trainers do in other settings. Instead, she will listen sympathetically, acknowledge that what the child has experienced is difficult, and tells the child how proud she is that he or she is a “son of Rome” who will help to make the world a better place. The child is told that they are one of a long line of descendants from the original founders of Rome, and will be used to bring in the “Pax Romana” or “Roman Peace” when the New World Order is ushered in.

All children want and need the love of a mother, and the groups that use mind control, including the Jesuits, understand this, and will manipulate it to ensure the loyalty and even love of their agents. The only true bond  is to the “mother” and to see her, the child must return to “home” (the cult training facility). When the individual tries to leave the group they were raised within, one of the conflicts they will often experience is the fear of losing their “mother’s” love.

The mother figure, who is a cult member acting the role, may show great distress, or cry tears of sorrow, if the child ever questions obeying the group leaders. She will act emotionally wounded, and try to help the child understand the need for the tasks and abuse the child is undergoing. In setups during early childhood, the “mother” shows the child the results of a world without her influence (chaos, barbarianism, etc.), and the wisdom of listening to her (peace, order, prosperity and joy ensue).

Time with the mother figure is one of the biggest rewards for an individual who has undergone this type of attachment manipulation. It can be distressing when the individual breaking free from mind control begins to realize that they were tricked by another cult member playing a role for programming purposes; and to sort through the feelings of love and attachment (which were real feelings), from the manipulation and control, and the messages that go against what the survivor wants (freedom from coercion and manipulation).

The survivor may greatly fear the loss of this “mother love”, since the attachment is deep and begun very early in life. It can help to understand that healing does not mean negating what was good (the experience of being loved and nurtured), which can be retained while looking at the whole picture, and realizing that the survivor no longer needs to agree with the group’s agenda or to obey its directives.

 

Growing Up International Part Four: Ages Six to Twelve

I am writing these autobiographical articles to help others understand how some international occultic societies program their members. The information in the articles is specific to the group I was raised in, but many of the methods described are used by other groups.

Trigger Warning: this article contains graphic descriptions of trauma and programming setups

At age six, the members of the top class (‘top’ is decided by the trainers according to the child’s performance in the previous 5 years) within the Jesuits enter the Vatican school. Classes have both boys and girls – trainers assign children to classes not according to gender but by performance.  Other schools for training Jesuit children exist besides the Vatican one, and in all schools, the training will continue until graduation at age 12 -13 (when the individual becomes a full Father in a special ceremony). Military training continues until late teens, with yearly “boot camps” the members of the Jesuit army attend.  Over time, the number of students diminishes (due to deaths during military exercises, or during programming) and by the time the children are 12, fewer children remain than began classes at age 6.

The Vatican School

The Jesuits like to tell their children they are receiving the “best education in the world”. In some respects, it could be called “well rounded”, but it has terrible aspects as well.  A typical day would be as follows:

  • Wake up at 5 am. The school is divided by age into classes of 12 each, separated by age: the six-year-olds are in one class, the seven-year-olds in another, etc. Each class sleeps in rows of beds in the same room, with the class leader taking the position by the door (to answer if anyone comes, and protect the class from any possible threats). Normally, the leader’s “second” and “third” in command will sleep near him or her. I was the class leader for my class, so I slept closest to the door. The signal for waking up is a voice over speakers within the room saying “Today is an opportunity to do great things for the Order; you are blessed to have this chance”.
  • Quick cleanup at the communal bathroom (5-minute showers done together in a large area); dress quickly (easy, since the brown acolyte robes are hung up the day before; this is what the children wear until they receive a Father’s black robes at age 12 or 13, except when they are being hosted in outside families, when they wear “normal” clothes for that country). The children rush downstairs to the communal dining room, where a nutritious breakfast is served. They are allowed 8 minutes to eat (to this day, I eat extremely quickly and never understood why, until I remembered the short times allowed to eat). There may be assigned tasks before chapel that are relevant to the children’s training, such as checking supplies for the military exercises, or cleaning up the lab areas, including the areas where animals are kept, such as primates, for experiments and teaching.
  • After chores, the children go to chapel. This is a time of singing and devotion (to Satan). The children sing beautifully, sounding like a professional choir, but the lyrics are quite different from Christian hymns. The older children and teens at times create and write new songs, if they have musical talent.
  • After chapel, classes begin. The first classes are “gym” with physical training exercises, including martial arts, hand-to-hand combat, and learning to climb ropes, etc. After this, the morning classes are devoted to typical school subjects, only much more advanced since the children are genetically modified for strength and intelligence). Children have already learned to read, write, do math, think and ask questions in a logical manner and so on, before the age of 6, preparing them to begin the more advanced studies in the Vatican school. Classes consist of learning various languages, world and civilization history, politics, economics,  the history of various religions, advanced math, reading classics from every culture (in the original languages as the children get older).
  • At noon, there is a quick break and meal (15 minutes).
  • In the afternoon, there are “anatomy and physiology” classes where subjects (usually, homeless people or those purchased from refugee camps) are used to teach topics such as how to torture (including skinning alive; paralysis points, pain points, how to use knives and other instruments to inflict pain, including heated needles and rods). These classes also include demonstrations of various techniques for killing a human being, from suffocation, to poisons (the children are taught how to administer, and see the effects), to knives, and other methods. The children are given a living human being to “dissect” and learn anatomy from, since this knowledge is essential when torturing or programming others. In some of these classes, a live demonstration of the various areas of the brain is conducted, with one of the trainers using a probe to show the response to various areas being touched; and the children are taught to read brain monitors with real-time brain scans (much more advanced than the most advanced PET scans today), to read emotional and cognitive responses to stimuli. Practical “on-hands” classes in how to do programming are done in the afternoon as well.
  • There is a half hour break in mid-afternoon, when the children are free to play soccer in an outdoor courtyard, or other active games.
  • Around 5 pm is a short dinner break.
  • In the evening (and, at times, in the afternoons) are the mage and witchcraft classes. This is when the children are taught spells, rituals, how to sacrifice animals and humans (using techniques taught in the afternoon classes), and how to read and write the ancient magical manuscripts.
  • There is a short evening chapel afterwards, with a short talk about current world events and announcements of special events.
  • Bedtime comes at around 9 pm; although the children may be woken during the night during special holidays or seasons to participate in the associated rituals and/or festivities.

The above is a generic schedule. School runs year round, in 4-6 week intervals, with a short“ summer break” although training still continues. There is a short military camp at the end of each interval, and a special longer military camp. The children are also rotated through their host families, making coordinating scheduling quite complex (there are individuals who do this scheduling of children and host families to ensure that they are together at the same time). A typical child may spend a week in the UK with a host family, then complete 5 weeks of school; then, a brief military camp. After this, the child might be hosted in Germany for a week or two with their German family (mother, father, brothers, sisters), then return to the school for 4 weeks and military camp. After this, the child may spend 1 week in Russia, and 1 week in the US, then 1 week in Israel, then returns to Rome for more schooling.

While the child loves the host families in each presentation, they never fully bond to them; they know their real home is in Rome – with their brothers and sisters in their class, and with the Fathers they love.

The school years are very busy and full.  There is very little time for “recreation” or free time, other than the daily break in the middle of the afternoon.  In addition to the above schedule, the child will undergo regular programming, and will also be learning to program others (a training class which teaches the children how to install and reinforce programming is part of the core curriculum).  Under the supervision of the older trainers, the children are mentored until by age 12 they are full trainers, able to do all that the adults do in this area. Some children with specialized skills are given special mentorship, and become head trainers when they are older.

Leadership skills are honed. A class leader is chosen for their ability to inspire the love and loyalty of the other class members, their own strength and skills, and the ability to make decisions for the good of the entire class and think quickly. Each child in the class is ranked according to ability, and the leader will have a “second” (who takes over if the leader is ill) and a “third” who helps back them up. Learning to work together, help one another, and overcome obstacles together is an important part of the training. The children compete against one another in a friendly fashion, and the daily scores (individual and class) are posted on a digital bulletin board for comparison (test scores, athletic scores, awards, special achievements, etc.). The goal is to instill excellence, and the competition is fierce at times, but typically within bounds (cheating and sabotage is frowned upon).

As the child matures, they are mentored in going on missions (including assassinations, and intelligence gathering), and assessed for the ability to think quickly and strategically under pressure. They are also mentored spiritually, and learn increasingly complex mage and witchcraft/sorcery skills. The child is continually assessed for their areas of greatest ability and performance, and are often given advanced training in subjects or skills they excel in (such as martial arts, ancient languages, military strategy, politics, etc.)

The child learns to perform surgery, both normal surgery (for healing), and specialized surgery such as performing placental transplants (this technology has been available for years, and is now part of the prenatal programming done; the fetus is transplanted into another birth mother, and is told that the first one “did not want” the fetus; this creates a huge rejection wound and bonds the fetus even more strongly to its trainers and the demonic. The child also learns various neurosurgery skills, and may receive advanced training if they show ability.

During these years, the children go to other schools (often within a monastery) for a semester, and the children at the other schools will come and spend a semester at the Vatican school. This allows for greater cross-training, and helps the children learn how things are done at various places.

As the child becomes older, they become skilled agents in every area: gathering intelligence; following and getting rid of “targets” while staying invisible and untrackable; training others; advanced mages. By age 12 or 13, if they have survived the previous 6 years of training and missions, will have the equivalent of a medical degree, a law degree, an advanced degree in political science and languages, and are equipped to “fit in” within almost any culture and strata of society. They are advanced mages and sorcerers. The child is now ready to undergo the ceremony to become a full Father, and receive their black robes.

God in the Labs

Trigger warning: discusses Christian faith and prenatal abuse

When Christians talk about the “enemy” and doing warfare, they are referring to Satan and demons.  What many Christians may not realize is that those involved in occultic groups do the same; but to them, the “enemy” is the Christian God, and the “warfare” is against encounters with God.

Over time, as I recovered my own memories, and broke vows and agreements made to never remember encounters with the Christian God (made by my cult parts), I started to remember things that made me realize that even in the darkest situations, God shows up.

An example: I have mentioned the prenatal labs, where the birth mothers and the fetuses are tortured, with the intent of programming the fetus in the womb to hate God. This is the time when the cult loyal parts that hate God with a vengeance are created and tortured to fuel this hate.

But what I also remembered is the fact that not infrequently, in response to the fetal cries to God (fetuses do this instinctively, especially during the first three months in the womb), an angel would appear to stop the trainers; to prevent further torture. I remember one encounter when I walked into the lab, and saw an angel bend over the abdomen of a pregnant mother, and kiss her swollen belly (and the baby within). The angel had an incredibly loving look on its face.  I stared; the angel gave me a look of great sorrow (as in “how could you do this?”) and left. I was a bit shaken, but these things happened from time to time.  I had a very hard heart towards God at this point, and chose to ignore what I had seen.

It is not at all uncommon in the first few months of a fetus’s life, for equipment “malfunctions” to occur (e.g. equipment used to cause torture suddenly stops working for no reason; it later passes all checks). These are considered normal oddities, because the programmers know and realize that the one they consider the “enemy” (the Christian God) is interfering because of the fetus’s cries of distress.

I now realize that God encounters such as these were not at all uncommon. Most trainers are taught to explain them away; to ignore them, and to harden their hearts and continue doing the work in spite of seeing  divine intervention.  The True God was giving a witness to His power and mercy in one of the darkest places of oppression possible, and I had no excuse for my choice at the time to turn away, other than my own lifetime of programming.

I now realize that the Christian God is good, He is merciful, and He answers the cries of those who cry out to Him.  He never forsakes or abandons those who ask His help. It was due in part to encounters such as the ones I described above that I began to question what I was doing, and to wonder who the real “enemy” was: the One trying to stop what I and the other programmers were doing, or the one who commanded us to hurt others (e.g., satan). I came to realize that I was on the wrong side, and chose to switch camps, and join the side characterized by love.

My prayer is that all who see heaven invade into the darkest places (and I do realize they are dark indeed), will choose to take the hand of the True God who loves His creation.

 

 

Dealing with Recanting Faith

(trigger warning: discusses Christian faith and graphic descriptions of abuse)

One of the most difficult issues I have personally dealt with in my healing journey has been remembering the times I recanted my faith. I want to share from my own experiences, in the hope that this may be helpful to others.

Not every group uses the methods I describe, and not every survivor will undergo this. But some groups do, and some survivors of occultic abuse will. The amount and degree of effort will vary. The group I was from – the Jesuits – is one of the most extreme.

When I was 14, I became a Christian – a real one – in my American presentation. My life was transformed completely. For 3 months (which is unusual, I believe God protected me) I experienced the joy, love, peace of knowing the real Jesus and His forgiveness. Because I was already in a leadership position in the order, this could not be tolerated (they were Satanists, after all), and so after this initial 3 months, I went through terrible experiences to cause me to give up my faith and recant (these experiences went on for 6 weeks, culminating in watching the deaths one by one on crosses of my Vatican class of 12, who I considered closer than any brothers or sisters in my presentations). After the sixth was tortured in front of me, I recanted. I gave up, and denied Christ to save them.

At that point, I created a split based upon the despair and utter horror, who became “Christian 2”, the new presenter. This part agreed never to pray to the real Jesus, and lived a form of Christianity without its power. To seal the programming, I was sent on several missions to infiltrate Christian ministries in Europe and Asia, and was forced to other deeds, such as cursing the Holy Spirit,  and telling an effigy of “Jesus” that I hated Him, and other things.

For years, I struggled in my faith, and wondered where all the love, joy and peace I had experienced when I first came to know Jesus went.  All I felt when I prayed was tremendous guilt, shame and fear, without knowing why. I wanted to be Christian, but found it impossible. But eventually, as I went to Church, prayed, read the Bible, against all odds, Christian 2 became a Christian. Other parts deeper in did as well. In 1995, when I left the order the first time and fled to Texas, I began working on deprogramming. For several years, I was on “sabbatical” while they tried to determine what to do to me (during this time, my American children came to live with me as well). Then, in 2003, I went through a terrible time of reprogramming, when I was forced to recant again. The cruelty of what was done cannot be described (loved ones tortured to death in front of me, etc.).  This time it lasted 3 months. At the end of this time, I was in despair, weary and could no longer hold onto my faith in God, and so I recanted again, and denied my faith (choosing Satan) to “save” the lives of those I loved.

I also at that time swore my love and loyalty to “he who has come” who was a young child, agreeing to be his servant.

Over the next few years, I struggled with intense panic, the belief that I was “doomed to hell” and loss of faith. Prayer was painful. But while they were able to program me against hearing Scripture, or prayer, and to promote a false Kristianity, they could not program out the Holy Spirit. Over the next few years, I continued to pray in spite of the pain, and in 2007 left the order.

As the memories of my own recanting several times came up, it was tremendously difficult emotionally, and caused a faith crisis. I wondered if I had “crossed the line” where God could never forgive me. I wondered if all the verses in Revelation (about taking the “mark of the beast”) applied to me. I was in despair, believing that God would never be able to forgive someone who had recanted and denied Him not just once, but several times, and who had kissed the ring of the one who will be his enemy on earth.

As I have prayed and talked these issues out with others, I have come to believe that the true God is merciful, and He sees the difference between a reaction that is created out of fatigue, trauma and being pushed beyond physical and emotional endurance, and a true freewill choice.  I am not a theologian or minister, and I freely admit that I do not have all the answers to the questions these events raise (one day, I will ask Him face to face). But I do believe that I am forgiven: that the true God has heard my heart’s cry for forgiveness for these acts.

One thing that has helped has been to read books by Christians, such as Richard Wurmbrandt (who was tortured and in jail for years for his faith). Wurmbrandt describes pastors and others who recanted their faith in jail, and later came back to their faith: this means that if a person at a later date is no longer being traumatized, they can ask and receive forgiveness.

Another story that helped me was reading a story told by the early Christian historians (I believe Eusebius), about the apostle John. Apparently, when John was in his later years, he commissioned a young Christian adolescent into the care of the church leader there. John had to leave, and did not return for several years. During this time, the young man fell away from his faith, becoming friends with local rough men. He became the leader of a gang of robbers, and even murdered men. Years later, John came back to this church, and asked the leader what had happened to the young man. Upon hearing what had happened, John risked his life by going to the den these violent young men lived at, asking for the leader by name. Upon seeing John, and hearing his words of love and forgiveness, the robber leader fell to his knees, asked forgiveness, and was restored to the church. He eventually became a church leader.

This young man wasn’t tortured beyond endurance; did not see loved ones die to make him leave the faith. Yet when he asked forgiveness, he was completely restored.

I believe that God, in His love and mercy and goodness, will do the same and more for ANYONE who asks, regardless of ANYTHING they have done (I am an example of this). I believe that the true God can and does forgive those who recant, including the terrible things they are often asked to do to “prove” their change of heart (such as killing Christians, leading pastors and church leaders sexually astray, etc.)

Basically, I believe that the true God is greater than any programming or setup that an individual can be put through. He is merciful beyond our wildest imaginings or hopes, loves us, and can restore even the most wounded. I am grateful for this love, and my hope is that sharing this will help others who may struggle with this or similar issues.