Healing is a process

Was I Illuminati or Jesuit? Healing is a Process

Since I started my blog, I have received several emails asking why there appear to be several differences between the personal history related in my newer articles, and the ones I wrote several years ago (available at this site). This post will explain why.

Healing dissociation is a process. Often, memories come in ‘layers’ or ‘stages’, filling in previously missing gaps in the story, or shedding new light on an old story. In a way, it is like the process of completing a jigsaw puzzle: small portions of the puzzle are filled in initially, but the ability to view the “whole picture” only occurs as more pieces come together. It is a natural part of the process of healing from dissociation and mind control, to progressively learn more about one’s history and self, as one’s faith grows and different parts (including the host) increasingly experiences the blessings of internal cooperation and healing. In this post, I will describe two major ‘stages’ of discovering my life history: knowing that I was working for the Illuminati, and knowing that I was in the Jesuit order.

One of the most outstanding differences between my first set of svali posts (written roughly twenty years ago) and my posts from the last two years is this: I had written back then that I was a member of the Illuminati; in many of my more recent posts (2017-2019), I write that I was a member of the Jesuit order, and have described in no less detail various aspects of a childhood and adulthood in the order.

Both sets of posts describe my life history. They are not mutually exclusive experiences. I worked in the Illuminati in the US, and was also a part of the Jesuit order. When I first began my healing, my first layer of cult-related memories was of being an Illuminati programmer in the United States. I was in my American system of parts, and was mainly learning about the traumas and cult activities that I had been involved in within the US.  The process of addressing the dissociation and healing from the memories that were coming was very difficult. Having to decide what to do and how to move forward with God as I realized that I was not just ‘making it all up’ was very difficult. As difficult as it already was, I assumed (wrongly) without exploring further that the Illuminati memories already represented all of my cult-related life history. My posts from twenty years ago reflect this perspective.

While I did not realize at that point that significant portions of my personal history were still dissociated, I was aware that I had not fully healed yet. I had several responsibilities during that time (including raising my children after I received custody and working 2-3 jobs to make ends meet). During this time, I stopped writing my svali posts online for a period of time. Finally, in 2006, I  had the opportunity to spend two years fulltime on healing (I went completely offline at this time).

During this two years, I journaled intensely, often up to 8 hours a day. This was when more of my life history came forward, as parts deeper within began to share. I discovered that the work for the Illuminati in America was only part of my life, and I actually was part of the Jesuit order. I learned that I had not only been a programmer for the Illuminati, but had been one for the Jesuit order. I also discovered the cult had constructed identities and life histories, ‘presentations’, for other parts of me in other nations, with other names and families. I learned that my very name, family and life in America was also a ‘constructed identity’ by the cult and that I had been assigned to work with the Illuminati in the US for the Jesuits since I was a child. My American mother was one of my main trainers in America, I first met her as a very young child at the Jesuit training facility in Rome (She was not my only trainer, I had several others).  She, along with Dr. Timothy Brogan and others, had helped program my American system of parts to only remember life in America and to completely believe that she, my stepfather and my sister were my only family.

This new set of memories overseas was no less heartbreaking and shocking for me to uncover. Again, my sense of who I was and my history as I had understood it, was shaken. On many days, it felt like I had to process my life story all over. A couple of supportive friends who were crucial to my healing during that time, and what I had learned during the earlier phase of healing about God’s faithfulness, comfort, ability to bring truth, dealing with denial and so on truly helped me through this extremely painful phases of my journey. The fact that before 2006 – 2008 I did not remember this portion of my history does not invalidate what I wrote in my earlier articles; I just didn’t have this part of the story yet when I wrote them. Healing is a process, and memories may be held by several layers of parts. It does not invalidate the memories of one part, if they are unaware of the history of the others. The fuller picture unfolds as the person progresses in healing.

It has not been easy learning why I had not remembered my Jesuit memories earlier in my healing journey: I had deep attachments with the fathers who had raised (and programmed) me. While much of what I had with the fathers were in fact ‘trauma-bonds’ (they had traumatized then rescued me to create dependence), there was also love and affection – they had been my world, and I lived to please them since early childhood. As a very young child, I had promised them that I would never betray them. ‘Not betraying’ and remaining loyal to them meant that I could never remember the Order if I tried to heal, and that I would never address my deeper programming and break the mind control that they had installed. It had been ‘easier’ for me to address my Illuminati memories as I did not have the same depth of investment in protecting them or being loyal to them as I did the Jesuits. As a child and adult serving the Jesuits, my life in the Illuminati in the US was one of my ‘jobs’/‘assignments’, but the Jesuits were who I then felt were my ‘real’ family and home.

I started to know and process these memories as God helped me to realize to a deeper level that healing and rejecting the group’s programming to not remember was not a betrayal (that was a deception introduced when I was very young in order to control me), and that it did not mean that I did not care. Wanting my mind to be free did not mean that I was hurting the fathers. I started to learn more about my Jesuit history after growth in several areas of my life: knowing that God cared about people in the Order and wanted them to know the truth too; knowing that God loved me enough to hold me through the grief and anguish that would come as discovered my Jesuit memories; knowing that God could protect my heart, mind and body as I addressed the deeper programming and parts related to this aspect of my life history; knowing that God could help me to know truth and cut through all the confusion and pain. Basically, increased faith and understanding of God’s love and power enabled me to start remembering and processing my Jesuit memories; earlier in the journey, I did not have the capacity to do so. This stage of my healing came too as my system of parts grew utterly tired of being mind controlled to keep secrets, being only partially healed and vulnerable to the cult, and decided to ‘risk’ trusting God to heal.

My memories of having been programmed in a facility overseas, and being part of the Jesuit order with large parts of my life being in Vatican, have been consistent since 2007. I have been blessed with direct validation for some of my memories as well. I have also noted that my statistics for site visitors have often shown more visitors from Italy to my site, than any other country. There are several possible reasons for this: what I write may resonate with Italian survivors; there could be a deep desire to learn about dissociation and deprogramming within this country; or other reasons. I pray that my posts bless those who read them, including those in Italy.

I do hope that explaining the healing journey will be helpful in promoting understanding of the process a bit more.

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Chart for Working on Internal Programs

Recently a survivor whose work I respect shared with me a chart they developed when working on dismantling their internal programming. With this individual’s permission (they wish to remain anonymous) I am sharing this chart on my blog. It makes a nice way to organize some of the internal work that is done when taking down internal programming.

Chart for profiling programs – the  main purpose of  this chart is to track what is coming  conscious, and to make a tangible record that the person is progressing in working with parts and the important bits of his/her history that are impacting the individual today.

Normally, a person will not be able to fill this in all at once; the information often comes in bits and pieces. At times, it may be hard, especially at first, to know which “category” to file something under.

Description of program:
Instructions (do/think/feel what, in what combination)  
Reasons program was ‘accepted ’ (such as threat to self, threat to a loved one, love bond to individual asking, etc.)  
Parts involved  
Main emotions involved  
Programming scenarios

(trauma and reward aspects)

 
Reasons program is still intact (this may include beliefs regarding what will happen if the program stops working)  
Other programs that get triggered when I work on this/Other programs associated with this program  
Observations when working on this program (physical sensations, thoughts, emotional responses,

impulses, etc).

Input from God, supporters, parts:
Positive changes, truths that parts want to see with regard to the instructions, emotions, beliefs, etc. as they heal:

 

Processing Mind Control Trauma

The following post was taken from an early draft of Prayer Warrior 2, a book with information about issues related to mind control and programming, and prayers related to these issues. The information was posted with permission from the author.

One of the foundations of mind control is unresolved memories of traumatic events. During the programming sessions, in which traumas such as torture occur, false beliefs are introduced which exert a powerful influence over the survivor until the memories are processed. Survivors can resist programming even before the traumas are processed, but it usually gets a lot easier when the memories are processed. This is because of how traumatic memories are stored in a dissociative survivor: the traumatic experience remains in the sensory and emotional processing areas of the brain which gives a visceral, emotional ‘punch’ to whatever instructions or beliefs the survivor was indoctrinated with during the trauma. This unconscious emotional drive remains until the traumatic event is processed and moves through these areas of the brain through the hippocampus into the cerebral cortex and becomes stored as conscious recall memory.

Also, during trauma, the desynchrony between the more primal areas of the brain dedicated to risk assessment and survival and the higher components of the brain dedicated to moral and rational thought creates a state in which the person will do ‘anything’ to stop the pain or threat. Until the memory is processed as the person is able to realize in the present that the threat felt in the trauma state is over, the individual will struggle with the emotions and beliefs that were present during the event. Once the memory is brought into conscious awareness and processed, the moral and rational centers of the mind will enable the person to evaluate the traumatic event and make meaning of it according to his or her paradigms and values , i.e. the person then has the ability to reject the messages given during the traumatic event and find new ones.

For instance, while processing a memory, a survivor who was told that his/her (forced) participation in a ritual event meant that he/she was evil can reject the lie that he/she was evil and see instead that he/she never wanted to do it and his/her heart was never evil; he/she would have never participated if given a choice. Instead of disowning this part of him/herself, the survivor can receive this part and the truth that he/she was never evil, only coerced beyond endurance at the time.

Programmers will try to prevent such memory processing so they can continue to exploit the trauma to control the survivor. To do so, they may deliberately ‘distribute’ the memory of an event into different parts of a survivor.  Different parts may hold the different sections of the narrative, the emotions, the physical sensations, the sense of time, the sense of self, the thoughts, the actions taken, the instructions given, etc. Fully processing the memory will involve putting together all these different components of the memory, with the help and cooperation of the different parts involved in the memory.

In order to process the memory, the survivor will need skills (which can be learned). These include: knowing how to allow God to lead and help in the process, noticing that it is safe enough in the present to start processing memories, commitment to the process, knowing how to process emotions (these come up when processing memories!), knowing how to regulate and pace the memory process; communicating with parts, resolving conflicts, identifying and understanding ‘blocks’ to the memory work (e.g., denial in the host), containing partially processed memories so he/she can return to them at a later time, managing daily life, sleep, etc. .

Fully processing and healing the memories of traumatic events not only involves ‘putting the different parts of the memory back together’, but it also involves connecting with God, the one who truly cares, in the memory and event itself. God never abandons anyone, especially traumatized children, though the survivor may feel this way as the memory and emotional pain come forward. God is able to reveal Himself in the places the memory has been encoded in the brain, bringing His comfort into the present within the memory and intervening directly where the pain and hurt is stored. His perspective of the event will be the most and only truthful version of the event: the cult will use the trauma to ‘enforce’ all kinds of lies about the survivor, about God, about the cult, such as: “If God/your parents loved you, you won’t be going through this,” “You’re being punished because you are evil,” “The cult can read your mind so never ever even think about disobeying”, “Nobody loves you,” etc. God’s presence and perspective will remove the sting and impact of the trauma on the survivor’s mind and life, as parts connect with His truth about what happened to them, and what those events really meant about themselves.

The process of processing and healing memories can be slow, confusing at times, often difficult and painful but it does bring healing. It deepens the survivor’s awareness of his/her own value, of how he/she fought to retain her own humanity and how his/her heart survived, despite whatever actions he/she may have been coerced into. It deepens the survivor’s relationship with God as she/he understands more and more that He never left him/her and can redeem anything done to the individual, and anything he/she has has done. It opens the survivor up to life, peace, joy and new relationships, as the mind control over his/her choices break. It is a process that is completely worth the effort, and God is close to the survivor every step of the way.

 

 

Dealing with Recanting Faith

(trigger warning: discusses Christian faith and graphic descriptions of abuse)

One of the most difficult issues I have personally dealt with in my healing journey has been remembering the times I recanted my faith. I want to share from my own experiences, in the hope that this may be helpful to others.

Not every group uses the methods I describe, and not every survivor will undergo this. But some groups do, and some survivors of occultic abuse will. The amount and degree of effort will vary. The group I was from – the Jesuits – is one of the most extreme.

When I was 14, I became a Christian – a real one – in my American presentation. My life was transformed completely. For 3 months (which is unusual, I believe God protected me) I experienced the joy, love, peace of knowing the real Jesus and His forgiveness. Because I was already in a leadership position in the order, this could not be tolerated (they were Satanists, after all), and so after this initial 3 months, I went through terrible experiences to cause me to give up my faith and recant (these experiences went on for 6 weeks, culminating in watching the deaths one by one on crosses of my Vatican class of 12, who I considered closer than any brothers or sisters in my presentations). After the sixth was tortured in front of me, I recanted. I gave up, and denied Christ to save them.

At that point, I created a split based upon the despair and utter horror, who became “Christian 2”, the new presenter. This part agreed never to pray to the real Jesus, and lived a form of Christianity without its power. To seal the programming, I was sent on several missions to infiltrate Christian ministries in Europe and Asia, and was forced to other deeds, such as cursing the Holy Spirit,  and telling an effigy of “Jesus” that I hated Him, and other things.

For years, I struggled in my faith, and wondered where all the love, joy and peace I had experienced when I first came to know Jesus went.  All I felt when I prayed was tremendous guilt, shame and fear, without knowing why. I wanted to be Christian, but found it impossible. But eventually, as I went to Church, prayed, read the Bible, against all odds, Christian 2 became a Christian. Other parts deeper in did as well. In 1995, when I left the order the first time and fled to Texas, I began working on deprogramming. For several years, I was on “sabbatical” while they tried to determine what to do to me (during this time, my American children came to live with me as well). Then, in 2003, I went through a terrible time of reprogramming, when I was forced to recant again. The cruelty of what was done cannot be described (loved ones tortured to death in front of me, etc.).  This time it lasted 3 months. At the end of this time, I was in despair, weary and could no longer hold onto my faith in God, and so I recanted again, and denied my faith (choosing Satan) to “save” the lives of those I loved.

I also at that time swore my love and loyalty to “he who has come” who was a young child, agreeing to be his servant.

Over the next few years, I struggled with intense panic, the belief that I was “doomed to hell” and loss of faith. Prayer was painful. But while they were able to program me against hearing Scripture, or prayer, and to promote a false Kristianity, they could not program out the Holy Spirit. Over the next few years, I continued to pray in spite of the pain, and in 2007 left the order.

As the memories of my own recanting several times came up, it was tremendously difficult emotionally, and caused a faith crisis. I wondered if I had “crossed the line” where God could never forgive me. I wondered if all the verses in Revelation (about taking the “mark of the beast”) applied to me. I was in despair, believing that God would never be able to forgive someone who had recanted and denied Him not just once, but several times, and who had kissed the ring of the one who will be his enemy on earth.

As I have prayed and talked these issues out with others, I have come to believe that the true God is merciful, and He sees the difference between a reaction that is created out of fatigue, trauma and being pushed beyond physical and emotional endurance, and a true freewill choice.  I am not a theologian or minister, and I freely admit that I do not have all the answers to the questions these events raise (one day, I will ask Him face to face). But I do believe that I am forgiven: that the true God has heard my heart’s cry for forgiveness for these acts.

One thing that has helped has been to read books by Christians, such as Richard Wurmbrandt (who was tortured and in jail for years for his faith). Wurmbrandt describes pastors and others who recanted their faith in jail, and later came back to their faith: this means that if a person at a later date is no longer being traumatized, they can ask and receive forgiveness.

Another story that helped me was reading a story told by the early Christian historians (I believe Eusebius), about the apostle John. Apparently, when John was in his later years, he commissioned a young Christian adolescent into the care of the church leader there. John had to leave, and did not return for several years. During this time, the young man fell away from his faith, becoming friends with local rough men. He became the leader of a gang of robbers, and even murdered men. Years later, John came back to this church, and asked the leader what had happened to the young man. Upon hearing what had happened, John risked his life by going to the den these violent young men lived at, asking for the leader by name. Upon seeing John, and hearing his words of love and forgiveness, the robber leader fell to his knees, asked forgiveness, and was restored to the church. He eventually became a church leader.

This young man wasn’t tortured beyond endurance; did not see loved ones die to make him leave the faith. Yet when he asked forgiveness, he was completely restored.

I believe that God, in His love and mercy and goodness, will do the same and more for ANYONE who asks, regardless of ANYTHING they have done (I am an example of this). I believe that the true God can and does forgive those who recant, including the terrible things they are often asked to do to “prove” their change of heart (such as killing Christians, leading pastors and church leaders sexually astray, etc.)

Basically, I believe that the true God is greater than any programming or setup that an individual can be put through. He is merciful beyond our wildest imaginings or hopes, loves us, and can restore even the most wounded. I am grateful for this love, and my hope is that sharing this will help others who may struggle with this or similar issues.

 

What My Healing Journey Has Been Like

I thought it might be helpful to share a bit about what healing has looked like, for the past few years, as I have worked on memories. I realize that the articles I have posted (in hopes of helping therapists and those who support survivors understand more about programming done, and the issues that survivors face) sound very organized, calm and logical. This is in large part because they have been written after some of the hardest part of a very difficult journey has been completed.

In 2007, I had gone through a very difficult time in my life. I was in a very abusive marriage, and had moved back to Texas after leaving the state for a year. A former friend saw me, was concerned about how I looked, and asked me “Are you okay?” I asked her if we could talk; and shared with her my concerns about my safety and my life in my current situation. She then told me that I could come and stay with her.
I went home; packed up my clothes (my husband was working), grabbed my dog, and fled. I literally had one bag of clothes, and almost nothing else. My friend, who had another friend living with her as well, became part of a difficult and highly emotional journey for me.

Journaling, collaging and self therapy

I began journaling daily, for hours. Parts were sharing their thoughts, concerns and fears on page after page, which included drawings of internal parts with “thought balloons” like cartoons, where they shared their thoughts with me. As the parts shared what they looked like, and their terror/panic/anger and shame, a picture started taking shape; one that horrified me as I saw what had really been going on, and the history of my life.
I filled three boxes full of journals over the course of the next two years. I created numerous collages, as parts put on paper their histories. At one point, I bought a cheap set of dolls of different ages, and hand-sewed costumes that included white lab coats, dark robes and other costumes, as younger parts did “play therapy” and showed me with the dolls what had happened to them.

The emotions

Some days, I would shake with fear, as parts shared about the programming traumas they had undergone. Other days, I would cry for hours, as I recalled losses; and as parts grieved what they had done in their past. I remember feeling suicidal as retaliation programming would be set off after parts disclosed high security memories, wondering if I would make it through the day. I decided to take life one hour, or even one minute at a time, and to choose to believe I would make it.

The despair would hit, and I would want to curl up into a ball and never get up. And still the memories came, and the journals filled up. I learned to find things that brought me joy, such as listening to songs my littles like (“Nala the Chihuahua” was a top favorite, as well as the gummy bear song in French, and the theme song from “The Titanic” in German). I would color, and finger paint, and play with clay. I took walks every day (with a friend, for safety). I found out to my amazement that I could dance; some ways that were joyful and fun; other ways that saddened me. I sang and played guitar, and made up songs to encourage my parts. I gave inside parts medals of commendation for courage and bravery, as they shared their stories, and helped others in the sharing. I played with my dog and hugged her.

I learned about the families I had grown up with in other countries, and felt disoriented and dislocated, as I realized that the life history I had always believed was a cult fabrication. I then felt deep anger at myself, for having “bought the lie” and at my perpetrators for controlling my life to this degree.

I dealt with rage, taking a sledge hammer and breaking rocks (which helped my friend, who was building a rock foundation and fence on part of her property). I was depressed and felt horrendous betrayal as I remembered my children accessing me, and taking me to be hurt; and realizing that it would not be safe to have contact with them.

The Toughest Times

Some days, I wondered if I would ever heal. I wondered if anyone heals. I wanted to know somebody who HAD healed, who could tell me it was possible to do it.

I got angry at God, yelling at Him, and telling Him I wanted nothing to do with a God who created a world where the types of abuse I was remembering were possible. I then felt His love and concern, and patience, in spite of my pain and hurt.

It was a difficult, hard and lonely process. My friends were supportive, but they had no background to understand the types of programming I was dealing with. I remembered being put in negative sound rooms, and isolation tanks; going through tech torture using Tesla waves, harmonics and machine brain entrainment, and while they cared, they could not really relate.

I missed my loved ones in the group, terribly, and cried as I worked at breaking the bonds. I drew pictures of them. I made pictures of perpetrators, and cut them up with scissors in rage; then would remember that I had also deeply loved these same people. I battled the inside shame and grief of realizing I attached to the very people whose abuse I despised.

I found parts inside who were just like them, both the good and the bad; and struggled to see both sides of them at once. I created an internal healing team of the healthiest parts inside whose job was to hold, love and nurture the young parts who felt scared about all we were remembering; and to help them through the anguish of missing the people they were bonded to.

I didn’t know anyone else who had gone through this, because I didn’t have any contact with any other survivors during this time. But I did have one thing I am very thankful for: when I asked my friend if I could ever heal, ever make it, during the worst times, this friend said “Yes”. When I said “I don’t know anyone else who has been through this type of stuff who has completely healed” my friend said “then you be the first. Show your kids and the people you miss that people really do get out – and stay out.”

I divorced my husband. I made new friends (and was very selective about who they were). I literally started my whole life over, at a time when most people my age were watching their children graduate from college.

It has been a difficult and emotional journey over the years. But it is so worth it. I now know my life history; the gaps are filled in. I remember my loved ones, with a mixture of joy for the love I knew, and sadness over the abuse we all endured, and perpetrated. I enjoy living a life now where people are no longer hurt; where “performance” is not the measure of a person’s worth. I am learning to forgive myself for the things I did that were wrong; and to forgive others who taught me to do those things.

This blog is in a sense part of my restitution, just as my earlier articles were. If sharing my journey is helpful to even one other in their journey, it will be well worth it.

Working with internal pantheons

Note: this article describes how one group programs internal systems and is not meant to comprehensively describe programming in all groups; survivors from other groups may have internal leadership structures that very from this.

In the occultic group I was raised in, leadership in various systems was ranked in various ways. One ruling group in each presentation was a pantheon, or “council of the gods” that oversaw various functions and roles within the system.

For the white, or presentation systems, this pantheon was a Greek pantheon, with numerous gods from Greek mythology represented; in the black, or cult presentation, a Roman pantheon oversaw executive functions. For instance, in this system:

  • Jupiter(Zeus) oversaw the meting out of punishment and rewards and oversaw overall system integrity
  • Hera oversaw witchcraft
  • Poseidon oversaw amnesia (with a spear that would spear fetal and infant parts if the amnesia broke)
  • Aphrodite (Venus) oversaw sexual programs
  • Minerva oversaw internal “justice” and gave counsel to parts and system controllers on how to best act within situations to avoid punishment
  • Nemesis oversaw vengeance and psychic killing, with the help of Thantos and Phobos (terror programs)
  • Chaos brought internal confusion to prevent the degradation of programs, and external confusion to help promote agendas during missions
  • Morpheus oversaw dream programs (installed in delta state), including those sequences used for reprogramming at night
  • Hypnos oversaw suggestibility and believing everything the cult programmers told parts
  • Prometheus (Vulcan) oversaw punishment protocols that linked back to the core
  • Saturn oversaw reprogramming systems
  • Pan oversaw keeping the internal children happy and engaged in Neverland, to prevent their coming out unexpectedly or without authorization

Beneath each of these parts were various controllers who reported to them. These parts lived within internal “temples” dedicated to each, where internal daily sacrifices were conducted (on a rotating basis, starting at 2 am), to keep the spiritual power that drove the programming at a high level.

The pantheons were programmed to believe that they were a wise leadership council whose responsibility was to lead the systems into ascension, and to prevent the degradation of programming (and so, prevent resulting punishment).  These parts were internalized first prenatally, with actors talking to the birth mother and fetus, and sharing who they were. During infancy, the programming was installed further, with the programmers dressing in a costume representing the part coming to the infant’s bedside, talking kindly to the infant and sharing who they were, and what they did. They would each bond to the part that had been created (through severe trauma), and would tie a golden cord between themselves and the infant, saying “you are me, and I am you”, as they spoke the scripts accorded to the part.

Behind these pantheons is a third pantheon, consisting of the “ancients” and “those who existed before time”.  These “beings of light” were part of the core system, and were first installed prenatally by shining a bright light on the abdomen of the birth mother. The fetus then heard the words “I am a god, and have come to bring you light and enlightenment” and other scripts. This “council of light” internalized was very unemotional, was programmed to believe that it represented “universal consciousness” and would “bring the child into her destiny.”  These light beings spoke “prophecies” over the fetus, and later, over the infant, and over time, were internalized.

They sounded quite benevolent, logical and empathetic.  They were considered “guides” that the child was to listen to and receive direction from; and they consistently rewarded obedience to the Order (called the path to ascension) and punished instantly any disobedience to group directives (considered the path to descension, which would end in “utter darkness”).

Over early childhood, the programs for all three pantheons were installed more robustly, with re-enactments of Greek, Roman and ancient festivals, and with being dressed in the appropriate robes or dresses depending upon the role being played. By late childhood, I was able to play the role for other infants in the facility, and help with their programming, just as I had been programmed. When in the role, the internal part would rotate out, and I actually believed I was that god; it was no “act” but instead, allowing an external dramatization of the internal reality.

Healing of the pantheons has involved getting to know the histories of each one, including the traumas that created them, and how they were programmed. It has meant accepting each, valuing the gifts and abilities they bring to the system, and helping them to see that the old roles are no longer needed; but there are new and better options for them.  Each one has had specific conflicts and concerns about giving up their old roles, and healing has meant allowing them to journal, create art, and verbally process their feelings and memories.  It can take time to choose to give up or change an important job or role inside, and it is important to offer safe alternatives.

It has meant trying to accept without judgment or criticism what the parts have shared, especially when it conflicts with what the presentation system believes.  With time and healing, these parts have added great stability to help to the whole.

Healing has involved healing the infants that these parts came from.  Often, high controllers such as these will have a small infant attached to or near them (who during reprogramming, are retraumatized with the original traumas by VR to keep the programming intact).  Developing trust with these parts, helping these infants come into present reality, and finding internal safe parts willing to help hold and nurture these infants, has helped to promote intra-system cooperation and mutual caring.

 

 

 

Interview with Jo Getzinger of CARE, INC. Part 1: For Those Helping Survivors

Jo Getzinger, MSW is the President of CARE, Inc., a nonprofit organization dedicated to helping survivors of ritual abuse, complex trauma and human trafficking, and to helping educate those who support survivors.  She has more than 30 years of experience in working with complex trauma and graciously granted an interview.

svali: Jo, could you share some initial thoughts on healing?

Jo: When society typically thinks of healing, they look at things like functionality. Some survivors have had a hard time functioning in life, or managing a job; and initially, they will work on these issues. But I can think of many individuals who have worked on these issues, and are able to hold a job, but aren’t very healed, because what can occur is pseudo-maturity: they look functional, but the problems aren’t resolved and show up in their intimate and family relationships.

In order for there to be healing, there needs to be good intact relationships for the survivor. When an individual is able to maintain good relationships, and maintain a coherent identity, that’s what we consider a healed survivor.  Many individuals have had much better success at this over time as we have focused on the relational and belonging needs of survivors.

svali: What are some things you think might be helpful for therapists and those who are new to working with survivors?

Jo: First, I would like to address the question regarding how long the healing journey takes, since this is asked so frequently. It can take years for someone with complex trauma, particularly ritual abuse, to heal.  These individuals often have abuse backgrounds that involve family dysfunction and outside perpetrators as well, with a childhood history of a great amount of abuse, characterized by broken relationships. It takes a while to actually heal from this amount of trauma, because the answer is that healing actually occurs through relationship. Because it takes time for the survivor to build trust, healing won’t be a “quick fix”.  It can’t just be goal oriented with tasks assigned; helping involves a relational healing journey between the therapist and the individual.

svali: What I hear you saying is that when working with survivors, be prepared for the journey, and not just a few quick sessions or a couple of prayers?

Jo: Yes.  I think it’s important that the helper is able to look at their own wounds; everyone is wounded from some trauma in their life at some point.  It’s important that therapists have a good handle on their own issues, and that they are healed to the extent they are able to “go the distance” with the survivor. Survivors have wounded backgrounds, and all types of problems will surface over the course of the healing journey. When working with someone who is so wounded, anything in your own life that needs attention and to be worked on will be pointed out by survivors.  For instance, if you struggle with shame yourself and you are working with someone who struggles with shame, or any of the other difficult emotions, the survivor will find that emotion and bring it up in you, often through testing the relationship. If you don’t know how to handle emotions in a healthy way for yourself, it’s going to be difficult to help them resolve those feelings.

svali: Sometimes, supporters raise the question of not being a trained person, and the concern that they might do harm due to not knowing what to do?

Jo:  That’s why I believe it’s important that the group of supporters that develops around the survivor works with the therapist, who must take the time to train the support system. Creating a support team was one of the single most helpful things that we began to do here at CARE. In the past when I tried to do this type of work with only one hour a week in an office setting, it simply wasn’t enough.  The hourly session was kind of a contrived relationship, not something that helped the survivor live in a practical way outside the office so they could actually experience safety, or the modeling of good relationships. In the traditional office model, it was impossible for them to develop a give and receive relationship in a way that modeled healthy and safe attachments.

svali: It sounds like you are describing the fact that not only survivors need support and teaching in the therapeutic relationship, but supporters , or the support team also need help learning what’s helpful and what’s not helpful.

Jo: that’s right. Because if helpers don’t have any training, as they try to help, they are going to be tested in the relationship. Typically, helpers aren’t used to being tested or dealing with the fear that is introduced into the relationship by the survivor. If you think about it, a survivor has often lived with a lot of hurt and betrayal, abuse and pain, where nothing is ever safe; that’s all they have experienced in life. Suddenly someone comes along and says “I want you to trust me, and I’m going to love you,” and survivors can’t receive from the helper, because they’ve only experienced pain in relationships, and they’re fearful. They will have to test the supporter. Testing is a process of making a relationship. The motivation behind the testing are concerns like these:  “If I don’t do things perfectly, or if I blow it, or if I show fear, or anger, will you still care for me?”  Survivors will try to push the supporter away because of thoughts like this: “I’m afraid that if I let you get close to me, you’ll do something to hurt me, or drop me.” It‘s a normal process of push away and pull close, until that person learns that the other is going to remain consisten and constant through the testing process.

svali: What has personally helped you in your over 30 years of helping survivors?

Jo:  I would say my faith is the most important, because that’s what’s kept me going during the times when it felt like nothing was going well; when I got tested and when I got the push/pull from survivors. It was especially difficult when it felt like there wasn’t a lot of support from others. As my own healing and maturity issues came up in my face,  it’s really the faith I had and the LORD’s encouragement to keep going, and that He was working out things in me that helped most. After 30 years I can look back and say that I gained a lot personally from the work, with a lot of refining and burning off the “dross” in me. This is true for anyone who continues in this important work. It’s a matter of being willing to persevere and trust that no matter what happens, God is going to work it out for good; that He will do this in me, and in the survivor.

svali:  I’ve heard some supporters and churches mention their fear of warfare (spiritual attack) when they work with survivors.  Anything you found helpful?

Jo:  Well, from my own experience I have encountered warfare when working with survivors. This is an issue because there are spiritual strongholds that the survivor will bring with them because of the type of abuse they’ve been in, and part of healing is working out these issues. When I encountered this, what I found is that God had to get bigger in my life. The bigger He became, the less fearful I became of any warfare that would come at me.  The scripture that has really guided me in this process is that “suffering produces perseverance, perseverance produces  good character,  and character produces hope, and hope does not disappoint,” and I have really experienced that as true. God really does take everything evil and turns it around for good, so we don’t have to fear; and even when I don’t know why warfare is occurring or what might be the result of this warfare, I trust that He will bring the breakthrough and He always does.

svali: What are the characteristics of a good prayer minister or therapist in the context of working with ritual abuse/mind control survivors?

Jo: I think the characteristic of a good therapist or prayer minister is someone who is able to love; again, the Christian principle that “love never fails.”  You can be intelligent, or skilled, but if you don’t have love, you are basically a clanging cymbal (1 Cor. 13).  I think the most important thing is that the person you are working with senses that you do deeply care about them.  Even if you’re a brand new therapist, and you don’t know very much, “Love covers a multitude of sins”.  If the person knows that you care about them, they will understand that the therapist can make mistakes, and if you’re willing to be humble and apologize, and listen to that person, then they will understand that you are doing your best; especially if you remain teachable.

svali: Wait, you’re saying teachable, that the therapist can learn from the survivor? That’s a shift from the normal therapeutic paradigm.

Jo:  If you can remain humble and teachable, and a good listener, you will be able to hear what the person needs. I think that faith is important, too. If the survivor sees that you have a strong faith, they will be attracted to who your God is, because your faith will be tested in this relationship. If your God is big, they will see that, and that is what they need to have hope for themselves.

It can’t just be the therapist that brings strength and support to the survivor; it has to be the One they are introduced to by the therapist. You become a bridge for that client to God, and the client’s relationship with God can be repaired as well. This is especially true if the survivor’s background is ritual  ritual abuse: ritual abuse targets the survivor’s relationship with God, and often severely damages it.  Who they believe God is, because of the distortions created through the abuse, and who God really is, is an important thing to help the survivor examine.  The survivor can begin to repair their experience of God by the example of a good and true Christian life modeled by the helper.

Often, one of the basic questions asked by a survivor of ritual abuse is “Where was God when these things happened to me?”  This is one of the foundational problems created by the abuse: the idea that God didn’t care, or that He wasn’t powerful enough to help the survivor. If the helper can model faith while they’re relationally tested and can be patient and compassionate as the survivor experiences emotions such as hopelessness; and if  the helper can remain strong and trusting in God no matter what things look like, then the survivor can begin to see that there is something more, that might have been missed, about who God is. Survivors can begin to see that God can come through for them, too. Since the helper isn’t giving up on the survivor, maybe God hasn’t given up either.

svali: can you share more about what a healthy relationship with a therapist or supporter would look like?

Jo: It is someone who deeply cares about the survivor and puts the survivor’s needs first. The helper must maintain the ability to manage their own needs and set consistent, healthy boundaries. Survivor’s bonding experiences in the past came from abusive relationships, it’s a trauma bond, and the perpetrator makes it all about what they need; and all bonds that are formed are through manipulation. Trauma bonds do involve love, but most often the perpetrators  themselves are not free to demonstrate any kind of real love without manipulation and abuse involved in the bond.

svali; What I am hearing you say is that an important part of a good therapeutic relationship is offering a healthy alternative to a trauma bond to the person.

Jo: yes.  And a healthy bond would involve the client understanding that I am there for them; and that I am there to help them.  I am not interested in a manipulative, self-seeking relationship, but in one that really puts the person’s needs first, takes care of them first. That provides safety for them to actually heal.

 

Part two of this interview will discuss questions that survivors often ask